I have been asked to speak at a woman's retreat this spring. I am so delighted yet also scared to take this step of faith. I will be speaking at Emmanuel Bible Fellowship Church in Sunbury, Pennsylvania on March 13 and 14, 2009. The theme for the weekend is Healing and Hope for the Journey. The contact person is Julie Powell and she can be contacted at 570-286-6475. The retreat will cost $50,00 for the weekend. This does not include a place to stay.
I would appreciate your prayers as I prepare my talks for the weekend. My goal is to share my testimony and the story of how God has worked in our lives after the death of Tonia. I hope that God will use our story to reach out to other women and families who are struggling with issues in their lives. I would like to encourage everyone to lean on God and to share their needs with their friends and families.
If you would like to attend you can call Julie. Thank you for your support and prayers!
I Love you! Hugs!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Grace and a Southern Version of the 10 Commandments
From my favorite devotional, "Strength For the Journey" by Joe Stowell. Paul in Romans says that as Christians our lives should be marked by “reliable grace” toward others.
What do we mean by reliable grace? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a definition: “Reliable grace is the predictable action of abundant kindness, regardless. . . even to the most undeserving offender.” It means that people can count on you to pour out grace—active, predictable kindness—into their lives. It is unconditional and available even to the most undeserving of offenders. Anybody have an undeserving offender in your life? More than a bumper sticker, more than a fish or a cross on your car, more than a T-shirt or a WWJD bracelet, we demonstrate our loyalty to Jesus by extending His reliable grace to others.
My life has been filled by the grace of God and of others. I can only hope that I too can respond to others with God's grace.
On a lighter, sillier note: I wanted to share with you this version of the 10 Commandments. I am going to print this and post it by my front door! It is priceless!
Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language..... no joke, (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN)
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10)Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple. Y 'all have a nice day.
What do we mean by reliable grace? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a definition: “Reliable grace is the predictable action of abundant kindness, regardless. . . even to the most undeserving offender.” It means that people can count on you to pour out grace—active, predictable kindness—into their lives. It is unconditional and available even to the most undeserving of offenders. Anybody have an undeserving offender in your life? More than a bumper sticker, more than a fish or a cross on your car, more than a T-shirt or a WWJD bracelet, we demonstrate our loyalty to Jesus by extending His reliable grace to others.
My life has been filled by the grace of God and of others. I can only hope that I too can respond to others with God's grace.
On a lighter, sillier note: I wanted to share with you this version of the 10 Commandments. I am going to print this and post it by my front door! It is priceless!
Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language..... no joke, (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN)
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10)Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple. Y 'all have a nice day.
Encouragement
Yesterday as I wrote my latest note I was very tired, very discouraged and hurt by events that have happened. Today I was reading a Purpose Driven Life devotional and found so much comfort and reminders about who is ultimately in charge. I thought I would share the devotion. I get overwhelmed by my emotions at times, especially as the holidays are getting closer. I forget that this world is only temporary and one day eternity will be filled with joy and exuberance. But today can also be filled with the blessings around me! Thank you for walking on this journey with us!
“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)
*** *** *** ***
In today’s passage, God is talking to King Jehoshaphat and the Israelites. They’re about to be attacked by three enemies: the Moabites, the Ammonites, and the Meunites.
Jehoshaphat had to be worried about how his people could defend themselves in such a battle, but God knew exactly what Jehoshaphat was thinking. He said, “You will not have to fight in this battle.” Now, that’s the kind of battle I like!
What God tells Jehoshaphat in this passage, and what he would remind us today, is this: “The battle is not yours; it’s mine. You don’t have to fight in it.”
In other words, it’s God’s problem. Let him solve it.
The fact is if you are God’s child, then your problems are his problems. And he’s much better at fighting your battles and solving your problems than you will ever be. Your job is to trust him to work it all out. Perhaps the reason we have so many tired, fatigued, and discouraged Christians is because we think, “It all depends on me.”
The day you resign as General Manager of the Universe, you’re going to find that it doesn’t fall apart. You can relax in faith, trusting that God is able to run things without your help.
Twice in this passage it says, “Don’t be afraid,” and “Don’t be discouraged.” When you face a seemingly impossible situation, don’t be afraid and don’t be discouraged. Has God ever lost a battle? No. He doesn’t lose battles.
There’s an important phrase in verse 17. God tells Jehoshaphat, “Take your positions and stand firm.” What does it mean to stand firm? It means to have a mental attitude of quiet confidence. It is never God’s will for you to run from a difficult situation. I’ve discovered that when I run from a difficult situation, inevitably God always brings it back around and gives me another chance. Why?
Because God wants us to learn – and he wants to teach us through experience – that in every situation he is sufficient. He is competent and capable and he will meet our needs in that situation. Don’t be afraid; fear is the opposite of faith.
You stand firm on two things:
* The character of God – He’s faithful. He does not bring us this far just to let us down. He doesn’t bring you out on a limb and then cut off the limb. Have faith in the nature andcharacter of God.
* The truth of his Word – God’s Word is faithful. You can count on the promises found in the Bible.
Stand still. Remember Who the battle belongs to. Trust that he is able to deliver you. And then watch him do it!
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life.
“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)
*** *** *** ***
In today’s passage, God is talking to King Jehoshaphat and the Israelites. They’re about to be attacked by three enemies: the Moabites, the Ammonites, and the Meunites.
Jehoshaphat had to be worried about how his people could defend themselves in such a battle, but God knew exactly what Jehoshaphat was thinking. He said, “You will not have to fight in this battle.” Now, that’s the kind of battle I like!
What God tells Jehoshaphat in this passage, and what he would remind us today, is this: “The battle is not yours; it’s mine. You don’t have to fight in it.”
In other words, it’s God’s problem. Let him solve it.
The fact is if you are God’s child, then your problems are his problems. And he’s much better at fighting your battles and solving your problems than you will ever be. Your job is to trust him to work it all out. Perhaps the reason we have so many tired, fatigued, and discouraged Christians is because we think, “It all depends on me.”
The day you resign as General Manager of the Universe, you’re going to find that it doesn’t fall apart. You can relax in faith, trusting that God is able to run things without your help.
Twice in this passage it says, “Don’t be afraid,” and “Don’t be discouraged.” When you face a seemingly impossible situation, don’t be afraid and don’t be discouraged. Has God ever lost a battle? No. He doesn’t lose battles.
There’s an important phrase in verse 17. God tells Jehoshaphat, “Take your positions and stand firm.” What does it mean to stand firm? It means to have a mental attitude of quiet confidence. It is never God’s will for you to run from a difficult situation. I’ve discovered that when I run from a difficult situation, inevitably God always brings it back around and gives me another chance. Why?
Because God wants us to learn – and he wants to teach us through experience – that in every situation he is sufficient. He is competent and capable and he will meet our needs in that situation. Don’t be afraid; fear is the opposite of faith.
You stand firm on two things:
* The character of God – He’s faithful. He does not bring us this far just to let us down. He doesn’t bring you out on a limb and then cut off the limb. Have faith in the nature andcharacter of God.
* The truth of his Word – God’s Word is faithful. You can count on the promises found in the Bible.
Stand still. Remember Who the battle belongs to. Trust that he is able to deliver you. And then watch him do it!
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving Blessings
Today was an exceptional day. I had Thanksgiving dinner with my two favorite guys and I was able to remember how blessed I truly am. Rick, Sean & I had a very quiet afternoon at home and they are having a post dinner nap! Dessert will be served soon and they will wake up for that!!
This morning I was at the church's outreach dinner and instead of blessing others as was my intention I was blessed by God. Rick and I went and picked up a very nice lady who needed a ride to the church. We had a wonderful conversation at the table but my seat was needed by others so they could eat.
I went walking around the room just saying hello, looking for a chance to help out and wishing everyone Happy Thanksgiving. As I was walking around I noticed a man sitting at a full table. He was pushing his food around on his plate and he was slightly hunched over and not talking at all. He looked up and as I caught his eye, I was blown away by the depth of the hurt I saw. I walked up to him and asked him if he was enjoying his dinner (even though I already knew the answer). He responded with, I am trying. I commented that he appeared to be troubled about something and could I pray for him. He said that he was worried about his health and that he wasn't doing to well. I knelt by his side and held out my hand asking him if I could pray right then. His eyes started tearing up and he said yes. "Father you are our great provider and healer. Please give my brother peace over his health. If it is your will heal his body and give him peace. Let him know that you are there for him and that you love him....In Jesus name we pray. Amen".
He started to cry and jokingly said that he hadn't come there to cry. I told him that God caught all of our tears in his hand and that one day He would wipe away every tear from our eyes, our bodies would be healed and we would be celebrating in Heaven. He asked if I truly believed that. "Yes, I know Christ as my Savior and he has promised that we will spend eternity in Heaven with him. Our hurts will be gone and our tears will be wiped away". He again started to cry and said that he needed to be assured of that fact. I hugged him as he said that he was ready to eat his dinner now. God is so good! I needed to be reminded of my blessings and what the holidays truly mean. My heart has not been ready for Christmas shopping and decorating and putting up a tree. I had forgotten that we are celebrating the freedom we have here on Earth but even more we will soon be celebrating the birth of the Savior who died for my sins. Amazing Grace....I once was blind but now I see!
May God bless you and your family on this beautiful Thanksgiving. May the Advent season remind you of the gift that God has offered to all of us.
Hugs!
This morning I was at the church's outreach dinner and instead of blessing others as was my intention I was blessed by God. Rick and I went and picked up a very nice lady who needed a ride to the church. We had a wonderful conversation at the table but my seat was needed by others so they could eat.
I went walking around the room just saying hello, looking for a chance to help out and wishing everyone Happy Thanksgiving. As I was walking around I noticed a man sitting at a full table. He was pushing his food around on his plate and he was slightly hunched over and not talking at all. He looked up and as I caught his eye, I was blown away by the depth of the hurt I saw. I walked up to him and asked him if he was enjoying his dinner (even though I already knew the answer). He responded with, I am trying. I commented that he appeared to be troubled about something and could I pray for him. He said that he was worried about his health and that he wasn't doing to well. I knelt by his side and held out my hand asking him if I could pray right then. His eyes started tearing up and he said yes. "Father you are our great provider and healer. Please give my brother peace over his health. If it is your will heal his body and give him peace. Let him know that you are there for him and that you love him....In Jesus name we pray. Amen".
He started to cry and jokingly said that he hadn't come there to cry. I told him that God caught all of our tears in his hand and that one day He would wipe away every tear from our eyes, our bodies would be healed and we would be celebrating in Heaven. He asked if I truly believed that. "Yes, I know Christ as my Savior and he has promised that we will spend eternity in Heaven with him. Our hurts will be gone and our tears will be wiped away". He again started to cry and said that he needed to be assured of that fact. I hugged him as he said that he was ready to eat his dinner now. God is so good! I needed to be reminded of my blessings and what the holidays truly mean. My heart has not been ready for Christmas shopping and decorating and putting up a tree. I had forgotten that we are celebrating the freedom we have here on Earth but even more we will soon be celebrating the birth of the Savior who died for my sins. Amazing Grace....I once was blind but now I see!
May God bless you and your family on this beautiful Thanksgiving. May the Advent season remind you of the gift that God has offered to all of us.
Hugs!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
God and the people in my life!
I have been thinking about life today and what God wants from me. My first love is my relationship with God. Nothing else is as important is that relationship. Nothing that happens is without God knowing and being my strength to hang on to. My trust is knowing that He is my rock. My next love is my best friend, my husband and partner, Rick. He is the gift that God brought into my life. We have fought, cried, loved, hurt, made up, had fun and grown closer over the years. We are never done learning more about each other and growing closer to each other as we grow closer to God. He is our center.
I have my wonderful son. I so love getting to know him and watching him grow and change and become a man of God. He is a gift in my life. I have a beautiful daughter waiting to welcome me into heaven. She is my girl who will welcome me home into eternity. I can't wait for that blessed day. In God's time not mine!
Then we have our friends and family.
How do you define family? I have almost 100 kids! I have so many sisters that I can reach out to and love. These are not family only by birth but by adoption. Some are family by being adopted into God's family, by birth and by marriage. But the "family" that I am talking about is also those relationships that have happened when we adopted each other into our hearts and lives. What would I do without these sweet relationships. They sustain me, lift me up and energize me. God has blessed me with a large family of my heart that I have always wanted.
We all need each other. We need to know we are loved, needed and missed. We all need to hear "you matter". We all need to pray for each other. God created a hole in our heart that only he can fill. He also created a need in our soul for relationships.
Thank you for being my family! I Love you!
hugs! (Happiness under God's smile)
I have my wonderful son. I so love getting to know him and watching him grow and change and become a man of God. He is a gift in my life. I have a beautiful daughter waiting to welcome me into heaven. She is my girl who will welcome me home into eternity. I can't wait for that blessed day. In God's time not mine!
Then we have our friends and family.
How do you define family? I have almost 100 kids! I have so many sisters that I can reach out to and love. These are not family only by birth but by adoption. Some are family by being adopted into God's family, by birth and by marriage. But the "family" that I am talking about is also those relationships that have happened when we adopted each other into our hearts and lives. What would I do without these sweet relationships. They sustain me, lift me up and energize me. God has blessed me with a large family of my heart that I have always wanted.
We all need each other. We need to know we are loved, needed and missed. We all need to hear "you matter". We all need to pray for each other. God created a hole in our heart that only he can fill. He also created a need in our soul for relationships.
Thank you for being my family! I Love you!
hugs! (Happiness under God's smile)
Friday, September 5, 2008
Communicating & Today's Events
In today's "Purpose Driven Life" devotional, Jon Walker writes about communication and relationships. In relationships the failure to communicate can be extremely frustrating. But, the failure to commune leads us to despair. Communication is usually about sharing information – at its most basic level, the transmitting and receiving of meanings. Communion, however, is about sharing life. It’s about knowing and being known, caring and being cared for on a deep and personal basis. Perhaps the most pressing need each of us has is to know that we are fully known and yet still deeply loved; that, despite our failures and weaknesses, regardless of our successes and strengths, we are still unconditionally loved.
How important it has been to communicate my feelings to others. To share my fears, worries, and joys. My heart has been torn and then mended. My tears have been shed and then wiped away. God has heard me as I communicate and even more as I share my life. Anyone who has read this blog has heard me and cared for me and for that I am so grateful.
Today, is just another Friday, but at the same time events may happen that will give us another piece of the puzzle of our lives. At 1:30 Eastern time today, there will be a pre-trial status conference. Nothing may happen other than a meeting; but then again we could hear that the trial is postponed, there may be talk of a plea bargain, or we may hear that we are moving ahead. It affects us in a part of our life but strangely enough it also doesn't affect us. We have no control over the events of today. But God knows and we need to hold on to that thought. Last night I spoke to my sister and to a new Pastor we have at church. I told them both that the trial itself changes nothing. Tonia is gone. She is in Heaven waiting to greet us when we come home to God for all eternity. No trial, no sentence, no waiting to hear will bring her back or change our lives. So in a way today's events really don't have anything to do with the rest of our lives as we continue to put together our "new normal". But at the same time today does affect our thoughts (and especially my stomach)as I process the idea of sitting through a trial or hearing that it has been postponed and knowing that we have to wait patiently for a new date. What a mixture of emotions. One moment I am reveling in the joy and peace I am feeling from God and then next I am in the pits of despair over my own insecurities and frustrations. My rock through everything is my faith in God and my relationship with Jesus Christ as my savior. After this life is over I know that I will be spending eternity is the loving presence of my Father in heaven with my family around me. No more worries, no more tears but the deepest joy that makes me want to run and shout and lead a conga line around the gates of Heaven. I get a glimpse of this joy and I hold onto the feeling as hard as I can.
So today, as we wait for the events to unfold, everyday life goes on. I have an appointment to get my hair cut, I am seeing some dear friends and having dinner with my son. The sun is shining and for now I rest in the moment.
I wish you a day full of hugs!
How important it has been to communicate my feelings to others. To share my fears, worries, and joys. My heart has been torn and then mended. My tears have been shed and then wiped away. God has heard me as I communicate and even more as I share my life. Anyone who has read this blog has heard me and cared for me and for that I am so grateful.
Today, is just another Friday, but at the same time events may happen that will give us another piece of the puzzle of our lives. At 1:30 Eastern time today, there will be a pre-trial status conference. Nothing may happen other than a meeting; but then again we could hear that the trial is postponed, there may be talk of a plea bargain, or we may hear that we are moving ahead. It affects us in a part of our life but strangely enough it also doesn't affect us. We have no control over the events of today. But God knows and we need to hold on to that thought. Last night I spoke to my sister and to a new Pastor we have at church. I told them both that the trial itself changes nothing. Tonia is gone. She is in Heaven waiting to greet us when we come home to God for all eternity. No trial, no sentence, no waiting to hear will bring her back or change our lives. So in a way today's events really don't have anything to do with the rest of our lives as we continue to put together our "new normal". But at the same time today does affect our thoughts (and especially my stomach)as I process the idea of sitting through a trial or hearing that it has been postponed and knowing that we have to wait patiently for a new date. What a mixture of emotions. One moment I am reveling in the joy and peace I am feeling from God and then next I am in the pits of despair over my own insecurities and frustrations. My rock through everything is my faith in God and my relationship with Jesus Christ as my savior. After this life is over I know that I will be spending eternity is the loving presence of my Father in heaven with my family around me. No more worries, no more tears but the deepest joy that makes me want to run and shout and lead a conga line around the gates of Heaven. I get a glimpse of this joy and I hold onto the feeling as hard as I can.
So today, as we wait for the events to unfold, everyday life goes on. I have an appointment to get my hair cut, I am seeing some dear friends and having dinner with my son. The sun is shining and for now I rest in the moment.
I wish you a day full of hugs!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The Presence of God
As we wait for another chapter in our lives to unfold in the near future, I am surrounded by the grace and mercy of God. Just when I feel that I can't handle any other emotions or any other changes, God gives me a sense of peace that gets me through that rough moment. I read somewhere that the strongest prayer is not asking for an earthly need but a prayer asking to be brought into the presence of God. Letting go of the control and need to know and instead asking God to dwell within me has been one of the greatest gifts. I only feel God's presence when I truly let go of me and embrace Him. When I struggle to maintain control then I am hurt. My struggle is within me and it even creates problems within my family. We fight over seeing things in a different light and then we have to work our way back to the unity we usually have.
Tonia is with God. Our lives here on this earth are forever changed, a new normal is here to stay. We have had choices to make: to be bitter and angry or to accept what is and find out how we can be used while we are still alive. We can choose to be victims or we can choose to be survivors. We can choose to seek revenge or we can choose to forgive. We can allow the horror to make us cynical and mistrusting or we can choose to believe in the goodness deep within every human being.
I choose to survive, thrive, and to live in the blessing of now! I choose forgiveness, I choose belief in people and I choose LIFE!
I know I will need to read this over and over as circumstances become overwhelming but I will continue to remember that God is merciful and that He is my strength. The light penetrates the darkness every time!
Thank you Abba Father for today and for the promise of eternity.
Tonia is with God. Our lives here on this earth are forever changed, a new normal is here to stay. We have had choices to make: to be bitter and angry or to accept what is and find out how we can be used while we are still alive. We can choose to be victims or we can choose to be survivors. We can choose to seek revenge or we can choose to forgive. We can allow the horror to make us cynical and mistrusting or we can choose to believe in the goodness deep within every human being.
I choose to survive, thrive, and to live in the blessing of now! I choose forgiveness, I choose belief in people and I choose LIFE!
I know I will need to read this over and over as circumstances become overwhelming but I will continue to remember that God is merciful and that He is my strength. The light penetrates the darkness every time!
Thank you Abba Father for today and for the promise of eternity.
Friday, August 29, 2008
27th Birthday
Tonia would have turned 27 today! It hurts to know we will never celebrate another year with her but I don't want to forget the wonderful years that we had her with us so this is a photo collection through the years! Happy Birthday my sweet girl! We love you and miss you!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Little Things that Make Me Smile
I love bears. I have statues of bears, I have stuffed bears. I even have some kitchen towels that have bears on them. Today I have a new Build-A-Bear. My first build-a-bear was given to me by my husband for Christmas after our son went off to college. He has a Penn State t-shirt and it was just a comfort to have him around. After Tonia died we went into her home trying to salvage a few mementos. I was really looking for a doll that I had made Tonia when she was 3 years old. Her name was Patty Ann. We looked all over until I couldn't take being in the house anymore and we never found her. I knew that Tonia had her because she had just come to our house to get her a few months before she died. I was so disappointed. When my sister came out to visit shortly after this; we each decided to make a favorite animal as a sweet remembrance of Tonia. She made a purple Hippo and called it by a nickname of Tonia's. I made a bear, of course, and named it Patty Ann. She sits in my dining room and it is just a sweet reminder of when Tonia was small.
So today I finally have a purple bear. I have wanted one but didn't want to spend the money and I didn't want to give in to the reason I wanted a new bear. Since I can no longer have any other children (not that I was planning to!); I decided I wanted a bear with a name that I had picked out years ago if we had anymore kids. Danielle Rae or Danny Rae for short. So yes, I am silly, sentimental and goofy but when my package came in the mail; I smiled and hugged a new friend. She is just a reminder to me that I can enjoy life. That it is okay to have fun and be silly and that God provides a rainbow even in the middle of a storm. So on the nights when I am lonely or just need to cuddle something, I have Danny Rae. Simple Things: a hug, a smile and a bear make my day a little bit brighter. God provides just when we need a bit of sunshine! Hugs and Love to you today!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
In Memory of Maria Chapman
I wanted to share this link after hearing how the Chapman family are responding to losing Maria. They are grieving but their faith is in God and knowing that they will one day be reunited with their daughter. It is only through our faith in God and a saving relationship with Jesus Christ that we can all know for certain that we will be forever in eternity with our children and other loved ones. My prayers are with the Chapman family and with any family who has gone through the hardship of losing a loved one. No matter how we have lost a loved one, whether through an illness, an accident or through being killed by someone else we are all in need of hope and prayers. We hurt, we mourn, we cry when our arms are empty. God understands and shares our tears. But he also holds out hope for the future. To everyone who has lost anyone in your life: I share your pain, I lift you up in prayer. I pray that if you don't know Jesus Christ as your savior that you would ask questions!
To the Chapman family: Prayers and love are all I can offer.
In memory of Maria, Jim Houser, Steven Curtis’ manager, set up a blog. Visitors can watch a video of her and Steven and send condolences to the family. Houser said, “Your prayers are needed for all in the Chapman family. This is a family who has so generously loved and given to so many. Just hours before, this close-knit family was celebrating the engagement of the oldest daughter, Emily Chapman, and were just hours away from a graduation party marking Caleb Chapman’s completion of high school. Now, they are preparing to bury a child who blew out five candles on a birthday cake less than 10 days ago. And yet we trust in a God who was not surprised by this, and because of Jesus I am certain through faith in Him we will see Maria again.”
The Chapmans request any gifts be directed to Shaohannah’s Hope in lieu of flowers.
To the Chapman family: Prayers and love are all I can offer.
In memory of Maria, Jim Houser, Steven Curtis’ manager, set up a blog. Visitors can watch a video of her and Steven and send condolences to the family. Houser said, “Your prayers are needed for all in the Chapman family. This is a family who has so generously loved and given to so many. Just hours before, this close-knit family was celebrating the engagement of the oldest daughter, Emily Chapman, and were just hours away from a graduation party marking Caleb Chapman’s completion of high school. Now, they are preparing to bury a child who blew out five candles on a birthday cake less than 10 days ago. And yet we trust in a God who was not surprised by this, and because of Jesus I am certain through faith in Him we will see Maria again.”
The Chapmans request any gifts be directed to Shaohannah’s Hope in lieu of flowers.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mother's Day
Today we celebrated Mother's Day. Rick and Sean gave me beautiful cards and yesterday we planted some beautiful hydrangea bushes that I have been wanting for my prayer garden. Today we had lunch with a couple I consider our spiritual parents. It was a very nice day and it was very special to be with the people I love.
Of course it was also bittersweet as I was missing Tonia so very much. It made me very aware of people around me who were not celebrating today with their entire hearts. Mothers who are not in touch with their children because of problems in the family, mothers who have lost children even before they were born, women who have lost their mothers and women who have never had their own children. This day is a beautiful occasion to honor the women in our lives who have loved us and nurtured us. But it can also be a day when tears are very close to the surface and life doesn't seem quite fair or normal. I get this for the very first time in my life.
So today I would like to send a hug to women every where; just because you are a very special child of God. Women have a very special place in God's plan for this world. So today I want to say Happy Mother's Day but I also want to say I am glad to know all of the women in my life and I thank you for being a part of my life.
Of course it was also bittersweet as I was missing Tonia so very much. It made me very aware of people around me who were not celebrating today with their entire hearts. Mothers who are not in touch with their children because of problems in the family, mothers who have lost children even before they were born, women who have lost their mothers and women who have never had their own children. This day is a beautiful occasion to honor the women in our lives who have loved us and nurtured us. But it can also be a day when tears are very close to the surface and life doesn't seem quite fair or normal. I get this for the very first time in my life.
So today I would like to send a hug to women every where; just because you are a very special child of God. Women have a very special place in God's plan for this world. So today I want to say Happy Mother's Day but I also want to say I am glad to know all of the women in my life and I thank you for being a part of my life.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Grief Lessons
It is spring time and the trees are budding. Life is moving forward. Since starting my new job 5 weeks ago I have been so tired from everything I am learning and experiencing that I think I put all of my emotions on hold. Don't get me wrong I have felt joy and experienced sorrow. Listened to music and lifted my voice in song, had dinner with Nicole who teaches me how to walk with courage through her daily life and kept up with all of the tasks of life. But I have had nights when I could not sleep and it wasn't because I wasn't tired, I was too tired! I had forgotten that in order to continue to heal that I had to continue to express what I am feeling. My answer to everyone has been "I am doing okay". Well I was doing okay but I wasn't sharing the tension that I was feeling. Friday started my step back into God's arms. I experienced joy this weekend as Rick and I went to see "To Kill A Mockingbird" at Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School. It was done with such skill and with such sensitivity! One of "our teens", Nic, had a major role in the play and he was so good. I cried at the various parts and rejoiced at the hard lessons of life learned by the kids in play. Then on Saturday we saw "Fiddler On The Roof" at Beaver High School. Several other of "our teens" were in this play. Braden, Josh, Rachel and Megan all did a great job. Braden played Motel the Tailor and he did a fantastic job singing "Wonder of Wonders". I am so proud of all of their hard work and talent! This was the first musical I have seen since Tonia died and it was one of our favorites so I found myself crying even as I was singing along with all of the numbers. It opened up the floodgates of emotions that I have been ignoring. I have been ignoring the pain of losing Tonia to the extent that I have pushed several people away lately. I allowed the business of life to take over and instead of walking through and learning from my emotions I have been shutting them into a box. I haven't even written in my journal for a few weeks. This has been a huge mistake because yesterday I walked into church and everything came crashing down. I cried before the service, during the service and even after the service. My heart was breaking all over again. Missing Tonia, missing Danny, missing Chris, missing the youth group students, regretting the people I have pushed away lately. I fell into a chasm of grief as deep as I experienced after Tonia's funeral. The storm broke, lightening flashed, the wind roared and then...peace began to gently and slowly cover me. Rick was there handing me tissues and sending one of the students to give me a hug. Linda and I cried in each other's arms. Claudia, Jodi and Mary all came over just to love on me. The music reminded me that God was there and he was holding me up and listening to my anguish. Prayers were being said all around us as people watched and understood that I was in pain. I fell into the arms of God and once again I could see the light. After the storm passed I felt clean. I have to take the time to clean up the mess left behind once again but the air smells sweeter and the sun is peeking through the clouds! The sermon this week was entitled "For Such A Time As This". Ironic how the messages seem to come just when I need to hear them!
This morning my body has responded to all of the emotions by shutting down on me! I don't have a voice today and I slept for 8 hours. God is definitely saying TIME OUT. Rest in me today and allow me to heal your body and your heart. Stop running and start responding to me. I have things to teach you and to show you. You have been created for such a time as this. Be still and listen. Walk through the pain, I will be there.
Once again I am reminded that my joy will come in the morning for God has promised this but my sorrow will never fully go away but it will be transformed and if I respond it will change me into the person that God wants me to become! Faith, hope and trust; I will rest on these!
I know that my grief will always be a part of me but I have learned that I can't ignore it. It won't go away but what I need to do is to allow my life to be transformed by the grief into something new. Maybe even something better as I can listen with ears tuned to the pain around me and maybe respond with God's love. So today I will rest and write and praise the God who gives me a reason to keep moving forward with belief and hope.
This morning my body has responded to all of the emotions by shutting down on me! I don't have a voice today and I slept for 8 hours. God is definitely saying TIME OUT. Rest in me today and allow me to heal your body and your heart. Stop running and start responding to me. I have things to teach you and to show you. You have been created for such a time as this. Be still and listen. Walk through the pain, I will be there.
Once again I am reminded that my joy will come in the morning for God has promised this but my sorrow will never fully go away but it will be transformed and if I respond it will change me into the person that God wants me to become! Faith, hope and trust; I will rest on these!
I know that my grief will always be a part of me but I have learned that I can't ignore it. It won't go away but what I need to do is to allow my life to be transformed by the grief into something new. Maybe even something better as I can listen with ears tuned to the pain around me and maybe respond with God's love. So today I will rest and write and praise the God who gives me a reason to keep moving forward with belief and hope.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Women's Retreat
Yesterday I spoke at my church's annual women's retreat. I shared part of our story with a very special group of ladies. On Thursday night before the retreat I was feeling very nervous and very insecure. I had doubts about my ability to share God's glory and I even started getting sick to my stomach. Who am I that anyone would want to hear from me? What can I say to show how God's grace has worked in my life? I was full of self doubt.
Then later on Thursday evening I got an email from a friend of mine who was directly involved in the night I found out about Tonia's death. She wrote to me about how she had found out about Tonia's death and her reaction to having to figure out how to let me know. God's hand was very evident in her email and what she told me had happened the day Tonia died! It gave me the strength to trust God; at least long enough to get to the retreat and hear from everyone that they were praying for me :) By the time I spoke on Saturday morning I was much calmer and much more at peace. On Friday evening, Susan Reichert from Pine Valley Bible Camp and her daughter Hannah spoke. Their testimony about how God led them through the valley and into their ministry at Pine Valley was awesome. It was truly a testimony to God's work in their life. They are doing amazing things working with inner city youth every summer at camp.
On Saturday morning I was able to get through my story with out breaking down. I had to cut a bunch of it out because of the time limitations but I think that I did okay. I wanted to let the ladies know how many gifts we had been given by God and to testify to how I will continue praise him through this time even while we are walking through the valley.
Once I was through speaking and sat down, I broke down into tears. I was exhausted and I had a huge headache. But God had given me the strength to speak and it was okay that I finally hit the wall. I will continue to speak as long as God brings the opportunities to me. It was a very special weekend filled with songs and prayers and hugs!
Thank you to my special friends who have been praying for us. Your prayers have been felt!
I Love you!
Then later on Thursday evening I got an email from a friend of mine who was directly involved in the night I found out about Tonia's death. She wrote to me about how she had found out about Tonia's death and her reaction to having to figure out how to let me know. God's hand was very evident in her email and what she told me had happened the day Tonia died! It gave me the strength to trust God; at least long enough to get to the retreat and hear from everyone that they were praying for me :) By the time I spoke on Saturday morning I was much calmer and much more at peace. On Friday evening, Susan Reichert from Pine Valley Bible Camp and her daughter Hannah spoke. Their testimony about how God led them through the valley and into their ministry at Pine Valley was awesome. It was truly a testimony to God's work in their life. They are doing amazing things working with inner city youth every summer at camp.
On Saturday morning I was able to get through my story with out breaking down. I had to cut a bunch of it out because of the time limitations but I think that I did okay. I wanted to let the ladies know how many gifts we had been given by God and to testify to how I will continue praise him through this time even while we are walking through the valley.
Once I was through speaking and sat down, I broke down into tears. I was exhausted and I had a huge headache. But God had given me the strength to speak and it was okay that I finally hit the wall. I will continue to speak as long as God brings the opportunities to me. It was a very special weekend filled with songs and prayers and hugs!
Thank you to my special friends who have been praying for us. Your prayers have been felt!
I Love you!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Easter thoughts
It has been a very long couple of weeks. God has opened another door in our lives. Last week I started a new job at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. It has been very tiring, very rewarding and very frustrating. Last year at this time our life looked so very different than it does right now. So many things have changed and I don't think they are done yet. What I have learned is that I am not in control. My job is to continue to walk in faith one day and sometimes one moment at a time. Working at Children's Hospital reminds me of Tonia because she spent time at Children's Hospital of Chicago when she was 7 years old. The atmosphere was wonderful. Everyone there wanted to be on the kids' sides against disease and death. I have seen kids who are so sick yet they walk around the hospital with their IV poles, playing and laughing. It is an amazing sight. God is very present. He is in the faces of the teams of people who are fighting disease and death. He is present in the joy on the kids faces as they see the hospital dogs walking around with bunny ears on this week. He is present when a family says goodbye to their child. The people are an amazing team. I am blessed!
So after going to the Good Friday service last night I have some thoughts about our lives over the last nine months. We have been in mourning over the death of Tonia and we will continue to mourn her loss for a very long time. But we are not mourning without hope.
This weekend has already affected me in ways that I never expected. Last nights service was so powerful. I bawled like a baby. Jesus understands my pain and my mourning. Jesus was mourning over the very people who placed him on the cross; The pharisees, the guards and even his own disciples. They abandoned him at the time of his greatest need. At such a time as this the verse "Jesus wept" is so true and so humbling. He is crying out to God asking, why have you forsaken me, even as he is asking God to forgive them, for they know not what they do. He is mourning the sins of the world, taking them upon Himself and crying out to God. The Good Firday scene ends when he is placed in the tomb. But remember that our joy comes in the morning. God wipes away every tear from our eyes and that promise is seen when the tomb is found empty on Easter morning!
Jesus wept, cried out, asked forgiveness, died and prepared the way for the day when our tears, our suffering will be wiped away. On the day we accepted Christ as our Savior we wept and cried out to God to save us and he wiped away the sins of the past and promised that one day he will wipe away all of the tears and the burdens that we carry on earth!
He is a God that turns mourning into joy. Easter is coming! The promise is kept. Our hope for the future is written in the empty tomb. God is truly amazing and I am humbled by His sacrifice for me.
God has called Tonia home just as he called His own son home. But without the mourning that Jesus did on the cross for us, Tonia would not be celebrating Easter in Heaven. Jesus prepared the way for her and for me. So today I weep over the loss in my heart and in our lives. I cry out to God "why can't I have my girl with me here today" but I also celebrate with eyes and arms wide open; letting Tonia go for this time, this moment but knowing that she is waiting right next to Jesus to welcome me home one day! One day all of my tears will be wiped from my eyes!
May this weekend your hearts be filled with the joy and the peace and the promise of Easter!
I love you all!
Kathy
So after going to the Good Friday service last night I have some thoughts about our lives over the last nine months. We have been in mourning over the death of Tonia and we will continue to mourn her loss for a very long time. But we are not mourning without hope.
This weekend has already affected me in ways that I never expected. Last nights service was so powerful. I bawled like a baby. Jesus understands my pain and my mourning. Jesus was mourning over the very people who placed him on the cross; The pharisees, the guards and even his own disciples. They abandoned him at the time of his greatest need. At such a time as this the verse "Jesus wept" is so true and so humbling. He is crying out to God asking, why have you forsaken me, even as he is asking God to forgive them, for they know not what they do. He is mourning the sins of the world, taking them upon Himself and crying out to God. The Good Firday scene ends when he is placed in the tomb. But remember that our joy comes in the morning. God wipes away every tear from our eyes and that promise is seen when the tomb is found empty on Easter morning!
Jesus wept, cried out, asked forgiveness, died and prepared the way for the day when our tears, our suffering will be wiped away. On the day we accepted Christ as our Savior we wept and cried out to God to save us and he wiped away the sins of the past and promised that one day he will wipe away all of the tears and the burdens that we carry on earth!
He is a God that turns mourning into joy. Easter is coming! The promise is kept. Our hope for the future is written in the empty tomb. God is truly amazing and I am humbled by His sacrifice for me.
God has called Tonia home just as he called His own son home. But without the mourning that Jesus did on the cross for us, Tonia would not be celebrating Easter in Heaven. Jesus prepared the way for her and for me. So today I weep over the loss in my heart and in our lives. I cry out to God "why can't I have my girl with me here today" but I also celebrate with eyes and arms wide open; letting Tonia go for this time, this moment but knowing that she is waiting right next to Jesus to welcome me home one day! One day all of my tears will be wiped from my eyes!
May this weekend your hearts be filled with the joy and the peace and the promise of Easter!
I love you all!
Kathy
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Critical Communication
My husband, Rick, and I have worked very hard at keeping the lines of communication open during the life of our marriage. When the kids were small and he was traveling we needed to keep each other informed of all of the facts of life: when Sean lost his first tooth, when Tonia was in the school chorus concert. But it went way beyond just the facts. In order for our relationship to thrive as the partnership the God designed it to be, we had to talk about us; our emotions, our needs and even our frustrations and insecurities. There is seldom a day that goes by when Rick is traveling that we don't talk at least 4-5 times in one day. We call each other to say good morning and good night. He calls when he arrives in a new city. I call to let him know what I will be doing during the day.
This habit has saved our marriage! On the day that Tonia died we went to church, had a meeting and then Rick left to catch a plane for California. I stayed at the church to run the youth group evening. It was during youth group that the phone call came into my cell phone from the Sheriff in Ohio. Devastating news: our daughter was dead, Sean was out with friends and Rick was on a plane! Communication just became the highest priority. I had to call Sean and ask him to meet me at church so I could break the news to him. I had to wait until Rick's plane landed in Denver and catch him before he left for California. Breaking the news over the phone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
As important as it had been in the past, communication became a critical factor in our lives over the next several months. Statistics say that 70% of couples who lose a child divorce within the first years after the death. I can totally understand that! As good as our habits of communication were they were NOT good enough! I have described our coping with our grief as two trains on different sets of tracks, paralleling each other but going at different speeds. We were heading in the same direction because of the habits we had formed but our journey was so different!
I needed to talk, know details, share emotions and grieve out loud. Rick needed to internalize, get actions accomplished and draw strength from God in order to be the rock for Sean and me! Early on I became so frustrated when I thought he didn't care because he was not talking, then I would get angry at him and at myself for being so needy. He tried to explain that he didn't have the need to talk but he would listen. We HAD to learn to compromise and respect the differences in each other. I learned to ask very specific questions, then he would share with me. I also learned to tell him what I needed from him. For instance, everything started becoming overwhelming at one point so I asked Rick if we could get away for a night at a hotel so we could talk and reconnect. The next thing I knew he had used points and we had a hotel room booked!
I also learned to listen to what he was telling me in the middle of other conversations. He mentioned that one of the things he does when he is on a plane is to listen to his iPod. When the song "Healing Rain" (which we played at Tonia's funeral) comes on he cries. That is huge! I heard him say that and I understood how much he hurts over the loss of Tonia! Rick knows me so well that on the way into church services he grabs tissues and puts them into his pocket because he knows I will probably cry during the songs!
We have had to learn new ways to communicate and stay connected to each other and to Sean. We have our challenges and our problems but we are willing to work at being there for each other. This is how God designed a marriage partnership to be but it is not easy but it is so worth it. My husband is my best friend and my partner. That is how we have coped during the loss of Tonia. Otherwise we would be one of the statistics!
This habit has saved our marriage! On the day that Tonia died we went to church, had a meeting and then Rick left to catch a plane for California. I stayed at the church to run the youth group evening. It was during youth group that the phone call came into my cell phone from the Sheriff in Ohio. Devastating news: our daughter was dead, Sean was out with friends and Rick was on a plane! Communication just became the highest priority. I had to call Sean and ask him to meet me at church so I could break the news to him. I had to wait until Rick's plane landed in Denver and catch him before he left for California. Breaking the news over the phone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
As important as it had been in the past, communication became a critical factor in our lives over the next several months. Statistics say that 70% of couples who lose a child divorce within the first years after the death. I can totally understand that! As good as our habits of communication were they were NOT good enough! I have described our coping with our grief as two trains on different sets of tracks, paralleling each other but going at different speeds. We were heading in the same direction because of the habits we had formed but our journey was so different!
I needed to talk, know details, share emotions and grieve out loud. Rick needed to internalize, get actions accomplished and draw strength from God in order to be the rock for Sean and me! Early on I became so frustrated when I thought he didn't care because he was not talking, then I would get angry at him and at myself for being so needy. He tried to explain that he didn't have the need to talk but he would listen. We HAD to learn to compromise and respect the differences in each other. I learned to ask very specific questions, then he would share with me. I also learned to tell him what I needed from him. For instance, everything started becoming overwhelming at one point so I asked Rick if we could get away for a night at a hotel so we could talk and reconnect. The next thing I knew he had used points and we had a hotel room booked!
I also learned to listen to what he was telling me in the middle of other conversations. He mentioned that one of the things he does when he is on a plane is to listen to his iPod. When the song "Healing Rain" (which we played at Tonia's funeral) comes on he cries. That is huge! I heard him say that and I understood how much he hurts over the loss of Tonia! Rick knows me so well that on the way into church services he grabs tissues and puts them into his pocket because he knows I will probably cry during the songs!
We have had to learn new ways to communicate and stay connected to each other and to Sean. We have our challenges and our problems but we are willing to work at being there for each other. This is how God designed a marriage partnership to be but it is not easy but it is so worth it. My husband is my best friend and my partner. That is how we have coped during the loss of Tonia. Otherwise we would be one of the statistics!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Questions I Have for You!
I have been writing a journal since the day after Tonia died and someday I hope to have it printed to use when I speak to other families about grief and hope. I am speaking this April at our church's women's retreat for one session and next year I am the speaker for the entire weekend at another church in Pennsylvania.
I have asked some people to share their thoughts and I decided that I would post these for anyone who wants to share their experiences with me. I want different people to answer so I can understand their point of view and their thoughts. The more people I have answer these then the more examples I can have to answer questions both for others and for myself. My journal is almost 100 typed pages and it is still growing! Some of these thoughts I have shared with you in my blog but most of it I have kept to myself for now. I am in no hurry but I think this will be a great source of comfort to know how others have felt and responded to Tonia's death. I have been amazed at the stories I have already gathered from others reactions to situations in their own lives. It has been a source of comfort to know that I am not crazy in my responses! If you have a story from your own experiences I would love to hear from you!
- How did you hear about Tonia's death? From who?
- What was your reaction?
- What did you notice about the people around you and how they reacted? Immediately and into the present.
- How were you affected by Tonia's death, the funeral and the events afterward?
- What questions did it bring up? Did you find any answers?
- What has affected you the most?
- Any other comments you want to share that will help me understand how you have learned to cope with the changing situation!
- Comments and insight into or about the people around you
Thank you for your help on this project!
Hugs,
Kathy
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Sponsoring A Child
In November, Rick and I attended a conference for youth workers in Atlanta. At the conference, Compassion International, had a booth set up. During the conference I kept thinking about the daughter I had lost and about other parents in the world who struggled to meet the needs of their children. My heart kept breaking over and over. So on the last day of the conference, we stopped by the booth. We found the sweetest, saddest picture of a 4 year old little girl who lives in Brazil. She was obviously overwhelmed by the camera and she wasn't smiling. But oh how she tugged at my heart strings. Her name is Geovana. Yesterday I received our first letter and colored picture from her! What a joy to read that she loves dolls and she loves to sing! She told us about her family and her three friends. Her favorite color is pink. My heart just over flowed with joy and love for this little girl. We made such a great decision the day we stopped by that booth.
My little girl is not here right now, but maybe another mother will be able to watch her child grow up and become a little bit stronger. It is a very selfish act also because I get to tell Geovana about God's love for her and I get to hear about her cat and dolls. It is good to have another child to love! God is so good and he gives us love enough to go around and it never runs out!
Geovana's picture is on our refrigerator so I can see it every morning when I wake up. What a gift from God!
My little girl is not here right now, but maybe another mother will be able to watch her child grow up and become a little bit stronger. It is a very selfish act also because I get to tell Geovana about God's love for her and I get to hear about her cat and dolls. It is good to have another child to love! God is so good and he gives us love enough to go around and it never runs out!
Geovana's picture is on our refrigerator so I can see it every morning when I wake up. What a gift from God!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Joy
Yesterday our son turned 21! Wow. The years have slipped by so quickly. He is turning out to be a great young man and I am so proud of how he is responding to all of the challenges in our life. I love you sweetheart!
Yesterday, God also gave me a glimpse into a familiar place. I was at church for a meeting yesterday afternoon and I found myself running to get some tasks accomplished and then dancing to a song going in the background. I found a piece of joy that I have dearly missed. Someone looked at me and said "Kathy you are dancing!" I responded by saying that I feel that a part of me has come back. I have know other moments of joy in the last 7 months but yesterday it felt very spontaneous and freeing and right! The heavens were praising God and I was joining in the celebration. God has been, is right now and will continue to be worthy of all of my praise and adoration. He has given me strength and peace and prayer warriors who have bathed us in prayer. Thank you Father.
Rick & I had the opportunity to go out to dinner last night with 3 other couples from our church. It was a sweet time of fellowship and fun. The subject of Tonia's death eventually came up and I was able to share with them without breaking down into tears. I was shaky but able to share. This is a victory only because I know that I will be sharing with others and I need to know I can communicate without falling apart.
So yesterday was a testament to God's grace to us once again. It was a good day! Joy and peace are gifts from God and I will cherish them!
Yesterday, God also gave me a glimpse into a familiar place. I was at church for a meeting yesterday afternoon and I found myself running to get some tasks accomplished and then dancing to a song going in the background. I found a piece of joy that I have dearly missed. Someone looked at me and said "Kathy you are dancing!" I responded by saying that I feel that a part of me has come back. I have know other moments of joy in the last 7 months but yesterday it felt very spontaneous and freeing and right! The heavens were praising God and I was joining in the celebration. God has been, is right now and will continue to be worthy of all of my praise and adoration. He has given me strength and peace and prayer warriors who have bathed us in prayer. Thank you Father.
Rick & I had the opportunity to go out to dinner last night with 3 other couples from our church. It was a sweet time of fellowship and fun. The subject of Tonia's death eventually came up and I was able to share with them without breaking down into tears. I was shaky but able to share. This is a victory only because I know that I will be sharing with others and I need to know I can communicate without falling apart.
So yesterday was a testament to God's grace to us once again. It was a good day! Joy and peace are gifts from God and I will cherish them!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
In God's Time
This morning I have been thinking about everything that has happened over the last 6+ months. God has been teaching me so much about myself and some of it has been very hard to learn. In this time of waiting he has been refining me to depend only on Him, everything else has faded away. My life used to be so structured and full of stuff to get done and stuff to do. The stuff I used to define my life around are no longer available but God is! So we become very dependent and very vulnerable. I have been looking for a new job and when I started I thought, I can find a job in a heartbeat, well it has been a month and a half and 22 applications later and still nothing. It is frustrating to wait but God has something very special in mind. We are also waiting for all the legal stuff to begin. Not knowing when the other shoe will drop and try to pull us into the whirlpool has driven the control freak in me absolutely crazy. Once again I hear God saying, do you trust me to provide the strength you need? All I can do is to open up my hands and release everything to Him.
The hardest times for me are the mornings because I wake up and I want everything to be back to "normal". I want to be able to pick up the phone and call Tonia and JC to see if they are okay and are we going to make plans to get together. Tonia and I were supposed to start getting together once or twice a month to make cards. I have bought all of the stamping sets and we had talked about this being our mom - daughter time together. We set a date to get together on Wednesdays. I have made a bunch of cards since she died but for now the passion has been dampened. I have all of my supplies waiting because one day I am going to wake up and want to make cards again. But once again God has said, take time to rest in me. This is a time to become more of who I want you to be. Trust Me!
So this morning as I have been reading my devotional and talking to God, I am quietly resting, waiting and trusting. I know I do not understand but I have a relationship with God that I can depend upon. So this morning I open my heart, my ears and my hands and I release the impatience, the doubts and the frustrations. God, they are yours! Thank you for being my Abba Father who cares so much for me that you would carry me through this time of sorrow and confusion.
The hardest times for me are the mornings because I wake up and I want everything to be back to "normal". I want to be able to pick up the phone and call Tonia and JC to see if they are okay and are we going to make plans to get together. Tonia and I were supposed to start getting together once or twice a month to make cards. I have bought all of the stamping sets and we had talked about this being our mom - daughter time together. We set a date to get together on Wednesdays. I have made a bunch of cards since she died but for now the passion has been dampened. I have all of my supplies waiting because one day I am going to wake up and want to make cards again. But once again God has said, take time to rest in me. This is a time to become more of who I want you to be. Trust Me!
So this morning as I have been reading my devotional and talking to God, I am quietly resting, waiting and trusting. I know I do not understand but I have a relationship with God that I can depend upon. So this morning I open my heart, my ears and my hands and I release the impatience, the doubts and the frustrations. God, they are yours! Thank you for being my Abba Father who cares so much for me that you would carry me through this time of sorrow and confusion.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Asking Questions and Talking
I have been asked by a friend, who was concerned about "saying the wrong thing", how she can support us and what not to do or say.
After thinking about it, here are my thoughts:
Don't be afraid to ask questions, if I don't want to answer I will tell you
Don't "tip-toe" around me, I may cry but I won't break and I won't scream, but I may ask you to go away for the moment :)
Ask me if I want to talk about Tonia, most of the time the answer will be yes
Don't tell me it was God's will, I know that but hearing it from someone else hurts
Don't tell me it was for the best, even if I believe that it doesn't take the hurt away
Ask me if I want company on specific days (birthdays, anniversary of her death, the day the trial starts, etc) I may want company or I may want to be alone. I usually don't know until I am asked!
Ask to see pictures or any memorabilia that I have, they have a very special place in my heart
Ask Rick about Rick and Sean, they are hurting and coping in very different ways and their silence doesn't mean they don't need your support.
Tell me that you are still remembering us in your prayers, they are our lifeline to God!
But the absolute best thing you can do is offer to give me a hug (I will take it)!
Understand that I will cry and I don't know what will start me crying. It could be happy tears because of a song that the worship team is singing, joyful tears because I can feel God's arms around me, or sad tears because a baby cried and it reminded me that Tonia was once my baby.
But it is okay for me to cry at times. Not crying just makes me cranky and causes a bunch of stress! You don't want to see me cranky :)
Love me, pray for me and just be there. I love you!
After thinking about it, here are my thoughts:
Don't be afraid to ask questions, if I don't want to answer I will tell you
Don't "tip-toe" around me, I may cry but I won't break and I won't scream, but I may ask you to go away for the moment :)
Ask me if I want to talk about Tonia, most of the time the answer will be yes
Don't tell me it was God's will, I know that but hearing it from someone else hurts
Don't tell me it was for the best, even if I believe that it doesn't take the hurt away
Ask me if I want company on specific days (birthdays, anniversary of her death, the day the trial starts, etc) I may want company or I may want to be alone. I usually don't know until I am asked!
Ask to see pictures or any memorabilia that I have, they have a very special place in my heart
Ask Rick about Rick and Sean, they are hurting and coping in very different ways and their silence doesn't mean they don't need your support.
Tell me that you are still remembering us in your prayers, they are our lifeline to God!
But the absolute best thing you can do is offer to give me a hug (I will take it)!
Understand that I will cry and I don't know what will start me crying. It could be happy tears because of a song that the worship team is singing, joyful tears because I can feel God's arms around me, or sad tears because a baby cried and it reminded me that Tonia was once my baby.
But it is okay for me to cry at times. Not crying just makes me cranky and causes a bunch of stress! You don't want to see me cranky :)
Love me, pray for me and just be there. I love you!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Trusting God & Renewing My Spirit
I was talking to a dear friend the other day and she asked me if I had ever felt that God has abandoned me. I honestly can say no! Even with everything that has happened I have known God’s presence all around me. It is through God’s grace and the power of prayer. Through the death of Tonia, the loss of my brother Chris and everything else that has happened, prayer has strengthened me, comforted me and held me close to God. The prayer session we had at church the night after Tonia died gave Rick and I the peace to be interviewed by the reporter, the peace to let go of our daughter and the peace to continue to trust God with the future. During the most painful moments I can look at all of the cards we have received and remember the prayers that others are saying on our behalf. Without prayer we would be alone, unprotected and without hope. Prayer has been and will continue to be the cord that ties us to God.
This conversation has started me thinking about my relationship with God and the future. I do not know what will happen in the next hours, days or months but I do know that I have a choice. Either I try to handle everything by myself or I trust God and allow him to take care of the future. I am a control freak but I understand that I am human, fragile and weak. God is ever present, all knowing and powerful; I choose to trust Him. But that means also admitting to myself that life will feel like a roller coaster at times because I am not in control and I do not understand. I also have to recognize that there will be times of very strong emotions, strong grief but equally strong joy. That is who I am and how God has wired me and that is okay! I am learning more about myself and who I am in my weaknesses and in my strengths. My prayer is that I can continue to be used by God in whatever way he has planned and that I can get out of the way!
On that note: I have been asked to speak at various events. I am praying about the opportunities. It has never been a goal to speak to anyone but I enjoy sharing my life story. If God can use any part of our life to bring someone closer to him then I am willing. I am praying that God makes it very clear to me that this is something I can do. My concern is that I am agreeing to share our story for the right reasons. The only reason to tell anyone about what we have been through is to allow God to use me for His kingdom. I will continue to pray for guidance.
I am changing slowly. I am starting to wake up feeling a sense of anticipation again. I had lost that for a time. I am healing in my heart and in my soul. God has given me time to slow down and talk to Him. It is good.
I see a rainbow that has formed through the storm. It is a sign of hope that God has provided and will continue to provide. Thank you, Abba Father!
This conversation has started me thinking about my relationship with God and the future. I do not know what will happen in the next hours, days or months but I do know that I have a choice. Either I try to handle everything by myself or I trust God and allow him to take care of the future. I am a control freak but I understand that I am human, fragile and weak. God is ever present, all knowing and powerful; I choose to trust Him. But that means also admitting to myself that life will feel like a roller coaster at times because I am not in control and I do not understand. I also have to recognize that there will be times of very strong emotions, strong grief but equally strong joy. That is who I am and how God has wired me and that is okay! I am learning more about myself and who I am in my weaknesses and in my strengths. My prayer is that I can continue to be used by God in whatever way he has planned and that I can get out of the way!
On that note: I have been asked to speak at various events. I am praying about the opportunities. It has never been a goal to speak to anyone but I enjoy sharing my life story. If God can use any part of our life to bring someone closer to him then I am willing. I am praying that God makes it very clear to me that this is something I can do. My concern is that I am agreeing to share our story for the right reasons. The only reason to tell anyone about what we have been through is to allow God to use me for His kingdom. I will continue to pray for guidance.
I am changing slowly. I am starting to wake up feeling a sense of anticipation again. I had lost that for a time. I am healing in my heart and in my soul. God has given me time to slow down and talk to Him. It is good.
I see a rainbow that has formed through the storm. It is a sign of hope that God has provided and will continue to provide. Thank you, Abba Father!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
2008
As 2008 begins, I can't help but reflect over the last year. Tonia died 6 months ago today, which seems very unreal. At times it feels as if I just picked up the phone to talk to her and at other times it feels like my heart has always been broken. The last few days have been wonderful in many ways but also very sad. On December 30, JC turned 37 and it is hard to fathom the thought that he is celebrating another birthday while we are missing Tonia. When I start thinking like this I have to remember that although I don't understand, I can trust God! Since Tonia's death we have heard from old friends of hers and it has been great to reconnect with them. We have been surrounded by the prayers of our family and friends and we have felt God's embrace around us! I do not think I could have gone through everything without the prayers of our friends.
Our prayer is that we can be used by God in 2008 in whatever way he chooses and that more of our family and friends come to know Christ as their Savior this year!
I will continue to write this blog this year as the events unfold.
With love!
Our prayer is that we can be used by God in 2008 in whatever way he chooses and that more of our family and friends come to know Christ as their Savior this year!
I will continue to write this blog this year as the events unfold.
With love!
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About Me
- Just Kathy
- Pennsylvania, United States
- Christian Mother, wife, & nurse. Love to read and love mentoring teenagers.