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God At Work in My Life

It has been a roller coaster ride over the last few months. I have been doing a lot of soul searching about my purpose in life, why I write this blog and how God can use me. I wasn't sure I should continue writing this blog. I never wanted it to be about me. I wanted to use it so I could keep my friends informed about all of the stuff surrounding Tonia's death and about the prayer needs that we have.

I have decided that I will continue to write about what I am learning from God, about the legal details and anything else that God brings to my heart. If you read this and it touches your heart than God has used this blog to reach out to you. I will continue to pray over what I am writing and I will continue to be very honest about my feelings. This is who God has created me to be; a mess of words that need to be said! On that note:

Recently I attended a woman's retreat for our church. Janet Helms was the speaker and her topic was "Lord Make Me The Woman You Want Me To Be". It was very moving. I am still working on becoming that woman but I have figured out a few things.

I love people! If you know me then this probably isn't a surprise. I love to talk to people, I love to hug people. I come alive when I am surrounded by people. It is when I spend time alone that I become sad and tired. But I also understand that I need to have my quiet time alone with God. He uses that time to speak to me, to rebuke me and to turn my thoughts to Him. Which brings me to the next thing I have figured out.

God doesn't want me to live in the past. I miss Tonia so much and that is okay. There is a hole in my heart that will never go away. The tears and the sorrow are part of who I am and reflect the love that I have for my daughter. I think that God wants to use the hole in my heart to reach out to other people with His message of love and healing and hope! Some days this is not so easy. I get overwhelmed by all of the needs surrounding me. I want to help everyone and fix everyone. I can't help or fix anyone! Only God can do this; but I believe that I can be available for Him to use.

I also know that I have a need and desire to express myself both in my writing and in talking to others. I want to tell the world about how gracious and wonderful God has been to us during this very crazy, mixed up time. God has taken a violent tragedy and used it to create love and joy. People have been blessed by hearing His message of salvation and love. People have accepted Him as their Savior. What was meant for evil, God has used for His glory and honor!

I have and continue to have a choice to make. I can spend the rest of my life grieving and angry and living my life in the past. Or I can live out the purpose that God has in mind for me. Living, a verb, a choice, a movement forward. I can choose anger and hate and bitterness or I can choose love and joy and submission to God. One poisons; the other brings healing. I can choose to be silent or I can choose to speak out. I can allow the evil in this world to win or I can allow God's love and eternal life to win.

I choose God! I choose life. I choose healing. I choose joy, laughter and singing. I will not be silenced by the critics or skeptics. Bring it on! If my God is for me than who can be against me! I have a long way to go in my walk but I know that I am not on this journey alone. God walks with me. He carries me through the storms when they come. He picks me up when I fall. God wins: I win!

God bless you! Hugs!

UPDATE: Remembering Tonia: A Christmas Prayer concert!

The concert is a go! We would like to invite you to attend Remembering Tonia: A Christmas Prayer on Sunday, December 6 at 7:00 pm.

We will be using this concert as the kickoff for the Tonia Brundage Memorial Foundation. This is the non-profit group that we are working on establishing. I know that most of our friends can't physically be at the concert but I also know that you are all prayer warriors. Please be in prayer for the people involved, for travel and for all of the details. This is going to be a very special evening.

If you are able to attend, let me know! This will encourage all of us and also give us a chance to say hello in person!

Here are the details:

Save the date! There will be a Memorial concert held on December 6 at St. Johns United Church of Christ 183 South Broad Street, Nazareth, PA 19151. Their phone number is (610) 759-0893.

Tonia's high school friend, Karla, wanted to do something in memory of Tonia. Last summer she sang at a benefit concert for a local woman's shelter and dedicated one of the songs in Tonia's memory. She created a poster with pictures and had it there with her. This year she wanted to do more. Tonia graduated from Nazareth High School in 2000. A bunch of her friends did not learn of her death until after the funeral. Slowly we have been hearing from these friends via email, by phone and even through this blog. It has been very sweet to hear the stories about their antics during high school and see some pictures from then. That brings us back to this concert.

It will be held at Karla's church. We will be there of course: to cheer her on, to meet Tonia's friends face to face, to cry, to rejoice, to remember! What a perfect way to remember Tonia through the songs that she loved. There is no fee to get in but Karla will asking for a love donation to cover expenses. She asked us what we wanted to do with any left over donations.

After much thought and prayer we have decided to create a new non-profit organization in Tonia's name. I have been in touch with our accountant and we will be starting the process very soon. The foundation will support our desire to help other family members and friends heal after the loss of a loved one through a sudden violent death. The goal is to help others find healing through God's grace. More details will be available soon!

So if you are in the area please come out to see us, to hear some wonderful Christmas music and to share in the joy of remembering.

With anticipation and hugs! Kathy

Happy Birthday my sweet girl

Tonia,
At 4:22 am on August 29, 1981 you took your first breath and let everyone know you had arrived. Our friends Bo & Christy were in the waiting room. They had followed us to the hospital; Bo panicked and called an ambulance to meet us on the highway. We pulled into the emergency room driveway and the nurses were waiting with a wheelchair. They explained that the wheelchair was for an emergency delivery coming in so they would quickly take me into the labor and delivery room but they had to hurry back. I starting laughing between contractions and explained that my friends had called for an ambulance but that I was okay. They looked over at Bo's car as he sheepishly walked over. They grinned at me and gently helped me into the wheelchair. Just a few hours later you entered the world. I remember how overwhelmed I felt when I finally got to hold you. My heart somehow had left my body and embedded itself into yours. I didn't know I could love so intensely and be so proud to be your mom. I cherish every memory that I have: Your first smile, singing to you while making Lolly Dolly dance, taking you to Indiana Dunes State Park, watching you start to crawl and then walk.

I miss you so very much. I miss singing with you. I even miss our fights! I miss hearing you say I love you. I miss teaching you to dance. I miss watching chick flicks while your Daddy and Sean just put up with us!

Sweetheart, you will always be in my heart. I know that you are in Heaven singing with the choir and rocking the babies. No more hurts, no more tears. So I would never wish you back into this life! But I miss you so much today and I want you to hear me sing Happy Birthday. Your Aunt Leslie is singing the Beatles birthday song to you. Can't you hear her: today is your birthday, we're gonna have a good time!

Happy 28th Birthday. I hope you love the purple carnations and the butterfly that I am taking to the cemetery. They make me smile!

I love you honey!
Mom

Lessons of Life/ God's Strength

Tonight I have been thinking about events of the last several days, months and years. I am grateful that God has been carrying me and giving me strength as I know that I cannot experience or survive life without His mighty strength and love. If you are from Pittsburgh or have seen the news, the shooting at the LA Fitness center is already known to you. A sweet lady, Betsy, that I knew from the hospital was one of the women killed. Betsy was sassy and vibrant and full of life. She will be missed by so many people in her life. When I heard her name mentioned on the news I thought it couldn't have been her. Things like this just don't happen. Not here, not now.

I became very discouraged, very hurt, very confused about why people I know keep dying in such tragic ways. So many losses, so many families forever changed. God why are these violent acts and senseless tragedies happening? Then I remembered this verse: John 16:33"....in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

God knew that we will lose friends and family members. He knew that we would experience trials of many kinds. This world was never meant to be our home. It is flawed and full of sin. I sin. I try not to but I do. There is sin in this world and because of it tragedies happen. Young adults are killed in car accidents, a friend becomes a widow too soon, friends are killed in a senseless rampage, loved ones die from diseases, and daughter's are murdered in their home. This is not my home! I will be going home to a place that is filled with love. Radiant, eternal, undeserved love!

While I am here in this temporary home I have choices to make: I can either become depressed, anxious and afraid to care or to live or I can choose to live out the moments that God gives to me. Not afraid to proclaim that I love God. Not afraid to feel emotions. Willing to dance when my spirit is filled with joy and willing to cry when my heart hurts. I will never understand why these tragedies happen but I can choose to wake up tomorrow and maybe hug someone who hasn't been hugged in a very long time! God has given me today. I accept this gift for today!

May God bless you with hugs, love, laughter and friends.

Blessings

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Last weekend we had a house full of Penn State former and current students. They stayed the weekend at our home to say goodbye to their friend, Jessie, as they celebrated her life at her funeral. What a beautiful weekend. Tears amid laughter. Joy mingled with sorrow. Life mingled with death followed up by eternal life. The circle continues. As I was talking to one of the young women at our home; she reflected that they all needed the time to fellowship together and that the time after the funeral was so important for their hearts. They needed to remember Jessie. They needed to cry. They needed to be angry. They needed to laugh as they told Jessie stories. They needed to love and to be loved.

I got to be mama for the weekend to these precious young men and women. My heart was overflowing. Sean had his friends and his family around. It was good.

We had a party for Jessie since she was already partying in Heaven. We shared in the joy. We said goodbye for now. One day we will all be together celebrating at the foot of God.

How awesome is our God. Have a blessed day. Hugs!

Looking Forward to Heaven?

Looking Forward to Heaven? by Randy ALcorn
With the deaths of several celebrities on the forefront of people's minds, I want to focus this week's question and answer on Heaven. Because the reality is, as human beings, we all have a terminal disease called mortality. The current death rate is 100 percent. Unless Christ returns soon, we’re all going to die. We don’t like to think about death; yet, worldwide, 3 people die every second, 180 every minute, and nearly 11,000 every hour. If the Bible is right about what happens to us after death, it means that more than 250,000 people every day go either to Heaven or Hell.

David said, “Show me, O Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man’s life is but a breath” (Psalm 39:4-5). Picture a single breath escaping your mouth on a cold day and dissipating into the air. Such is the brevity of life here. The wise will consider what awaits us on the other side of this life that so quickly ends.

God uses suffering and impending death to unfasten us from this earth and to set our minds on what lies beyond. I’ve lost people close to me. (Actually, I haven’t lost them, because I know where they are—rather, I’ve lost contact with them.) I’ve spent a lot of time talking to people who’ve been diagnosed with terminal diseases. These people, and their loved ones, have a sudden and insatiable interest in the afterlife. Most people live unprepared for death. But those who are wise will go to a reliable source to investigate what’s on the other side. And if they discover that the choices they make during their brief stay in this world will matter in the world to come, they’ll want to adjust those choices accordingly.

Yet you may be wondering, How can I change my perspective so that I truly look forward to Heaven?

Consider these Scriptures:

Luke 6:21 says, "God blesses you who weep now, for in due time you will laugh."

Luke 15:10 says, "There is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents."

Nobody wants to leave a good party early. Christians faced with death often feel they’re leaving the party before it’s over. They have to go home early. They’re disappointed, thinking of all they’ll miss when they leave.

But the truth is, the real party is under way at home—precisely where they’re going! They’re not the ones missing the party; those of us left behind are. (Fortunately, if we know Jesus, we’ll get there eventually to join the party.)

One by one, believers will disappear from the world. Those of us who are left behind will grieve that our loved ones have left home. In reality, however, our believing loved ones aren’t leaving home; they’re going home. They’ll be home before us. We’ll be arriving at the party a little later. Laughter and rejoicing—a party awaits us. Don’t you want to join it? (If you aren’t certain you’ll be at the party, check out How Can We Know That We'll Go to Heaven?)
Yet even that party, in the present Heaven, is a preliminary celebration. To be in resurrected bodies on a resurrected Earth in resurrected friendships, enjoying the resurrected culture with the resurrected Jesus—now that will be the ultimate party! We will all be who God made us to be—and none of us will ever suffer or die again. As a Christian, the day I die will be the best day I’ve ever lived. But it won’t be the best day I ever will live. Resurrection day will be far better. And the first day on the New Earth—that will be one big step for mankind, one giant leap for God’s glory.

In Memory of Tom Lampone & Jessie (JB) Brown

This week God took two of his children home. Jessie, 22, died on Wednesday evening in an auto accident. She was a friend of Sean's. They went to a dance together in High School and the pictures are so cute. They are so young in them. Jessie was walking her faith everyday Her friend Ashley wrote this note about her:

The life story of Jessie Brown as testified by my apartment

Jessie was staying in my apartment this summer, and I happened to be on my way to the apartment when I heard the news. I was the first one to see her stuff in my apartment, and what a testimony it was. Next to her bed lay two books: "The Secrets of the Lord" and C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity." On her desk lay her prayer journal, a picture of her and her sister, and a picture of her mom. On the kitchen table lay the most recent taping of Calvary's Sunday service, and the entertainment center was covered with worship CD's. The thing that got me the most, was the verse she had written out in script and posted above the sink. It goes like this:

Job 1:21
Job responded: "Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised."

Jessie knew what this life was about, and she knew her purpose for being here. This apartment is a testimony of that. She lived her life to the fullest, and knew how to prioritize. She always had time for school, time for God, time for Eric, and time for her friends. We'll miss you, Jess. But your life reflected what God wanted. You accomplished your mission. We love you.

Our dear brother in Christ, Tom, died at 12:15 this morning on his 52nd birthday. Tom has been fighting cancer for years. His legacy will live on with everyone who knew him. His faith was like a shining beacon of hope. He was prepared to meet God but fought the good fight until the end. He told his wife that he wanted to take her to see Italy before he died and he said that at the beginning of this week! He was video taped for one of our services at church this past March. His words were about his faith in God and his desire to do His will. His wife, Patty, has been such a strong partner in his journey. Her courage and strength has been a gift from God. Every time I saw Tom and Patty or communicated with them over email they would always tell me they were praying for me! Even the midst of their fight they would reach out to others. Tom leaves a legacy with his son, Nate, his daughter, Tia, and his grandson, Thomas Michael. Tom, my brother, you will be missed but God welcomed you home by saying "Well done good and faithful servant". Heaven is throwing a party!

Tom & Jessie, we will miss you. We will see you at the party in Heaven in time. We love you!

Mercy & Grace

This past several weeks was an emotional roller coaster because of lots of "stuff" going on in our lives. Getting past the emotions of the day and stopping to hear from God was a challenge. Rick and I were talking on the phone so often that I think AT&T lost money :) I spent some time with my friend, Kathy, who is also my Christian counselor, and she gave me some wise advise. Her comment was: all of the "stuff" going on in our lives was sitting right in front of us at all times. We were on overload. So she suggested that we box everything up and lock them away in a storage unit and only deal with them one at a time as we needed to. Now that seemed rather simplistic at the time she said it; but she was absolutely right. There were things going on that I had no control over and I was reacting to because they were constantly in front of me. I had to give the problem to God, box it up and lock it away until God told me to take it out and deal with it. This was a huge reminder for me. There were several issues that I kept stressing over, giving to God then grabbing them back again. So now there are several things locked away and for now I have given the key away also!! The relief I am feeling is huge.

I also had a time this week that I really needed to share somethings going on and I knew I needed prayer right then. I called Pastor Jeff at our church and asked him to meet ASAP. I have never asked this before and he was amazing. He postponed a meeting to give me time to get there, I left work early and drove to Chippewa. We talked for awhile, he asked questions that helped me to clarify my feelings and then we prayed together. How awesome to know that when we need people in our lives they are there.

Thank you dear friends! More later! Hugs

Marriage

Yesterday was Father's Day and in honor of my husband I would like to share some very special things about him. We have been married for 23 years and we plan on renewing our vows for our 25th wedding anniversary. We did not have a relationship with God when we got married so for our 25th anniversary we wanted to have the opportunity to acknowledge God's role in our marriage. He is my best friend, my confidant, my accountability partner and my life partner.

He is a fantastic father to our children. They have driven him crazy at times as they have grown and tested the waters but he will give up sleep to take the time to talk and he will fly home suddenly when something has come up in their lives.

Rick is such a strong Godly man. He studies God's word to know the steps we need to take as a family and as a couple. He also admits when he is wrong and asks for forgiveness. He comes to me for advice whether it is about his job, his family or a matter at church. He treats other with compassion and love. There have been many times when I find him deep in conversation with someone at church as they are looking for advice or just a listening ear.

When Tonia died he was my rock. We held each other and cried. We supported each other as we had to go to the funeral home and pick out a casket. He held me as we said goodbye at her funeral. For a few months we were having some communication challenges. I have described it as two trains heading in the same direction but at different speeds and on different tracks. We had to learn a new language; a language of grief and frustration. But we worked through the issues and soon we were once again traveling together!

He has changed so much since he accepted God into his heart. He is more laid back and loose. Seeing him with a baseball hat on backwards is still a bit of a shock but it is a part of him. Watching him play ultimate Frisbee or volleyball with all of "our kids" is pure joy.

He tried so hard to be an example to our son. He tries to demonstrate how God wants a man to act toward his wife and to other people. They are so much alike that they butt heads once in a while but I quickly hear Rick's voice coming out of Sean's mouth! Their sense of humor is identical. At times I am laughing more at them then I am at the movie we are all watching.

Rick, Happy Father's Day. You continue to amaze me. I love you!

attacks & storms

Recently I have realized that Satan in trying to isolate us from other believers. I need to surround us with prayers and the fellowship of other believers, immediately! Please keep us in your prayers.

God is so amazing but sometimes I try to solve things by myself. I fail every time! Recently I have been trying to deal with several issues in our lives just by ignoring them, facing them down, talking too much, trying to solve them NOW and holding on to issues that were settled before. God takes care of all of the details in my life but in His time.

On Wednesday night God was very real and very present. I was working my usual twelve hour shift when I realized that it was getting dark and the rain had started. I checked the weather channel and realized we were under thunderstorm and tornado warnings. I checked the radar and saw that the storm was still west of us and made the decision to leave work early so I could get home. I left work at 6:40 pm. I made a really bad decision to go home via Route 65 instead of the highway. I was on 65 for about 10 minutes when the skies opened up. It was raining so hard I had a hard time seeing. Traffic slowed down and hazard lights came on. I hit one puddle after another but it was still okay.

Two cars in front of me was a low riding black car. Suddenly the rain picked up even more and I watched a wave of water come from my right. The black car was caught in the current and swept half way into the oncoming traffic lane before he could stop. The SUV in front of me made the decision to try to get around him by also heading to the left into the oncoming traffic. I was already in the water with a semi behind me. I decided to try to continue straight ahead thinking I would have more traction. The black car had water up to the bottom of his passenger door as I passed him on the right. My check engine light flickered several times before I made it through the water. There was a gas station ahead of me so I pulled over and started crying and shaking. I called Rick on my cell phone and he talked to me until I was able to calm down. 65 northbound was baked up and cars were turning around. later I found out it was closed for a short while due to water and debris. To make a long story short, Rick remembered that a friend lived just east if where I was so I drove to her house so I could get out of the car and the storm while I figured out how to get home. I stayed there for about 40 minutes. I had to head back into Pittsburgh so I could get to Highway 60 and head home. I finally made it home at 11:10 that evening.

So many things could have gone wrong but God was driving my car that night. I don't have the skills to navigate through that much water or to make the decisions that I did. He used Rick and my friend, Nancy, to get me through a very tough situation.

I was so happy to be home!

Step Into The Pain excerpt

Step Into the Pain
by Doug Clark

I was speechless.

In an airport on a trip recently, I listened to a halting voice mail message from a close friend, telling me of another friend's unexpected death. Tony had died very suddenly while working a second job. He was 44 and seemed in the peak of health. He was an athlete and a radiant believer who lived his faith as a basketball coach (his first job) and deeply loved his wife and family.

My heart ached as I considered the plight of his widow, who has been a close friend since 1973 and a part of my church's ministry on many levels. Heidi was left with three daughters. The loss is devastating.

My mind whirled as I sought a quiet place from which to call my friend. I pondered the fact that she is a counselor who can easily recite all the stages of grief. She has comforted many who have faced loss themselves. But this time the agony was hers, not someone else's. When she picked up the phone, I heard the pain and emotion in her voice and realized I had no idea what to say to her.

I mumbled and fumbled around awkwardly, letting her know how much my wife and I loved her. There was not much else that could be said at the moment. I longed to put my arms around her and share her pain, but couldn't do that from 1,000 miles away. I promised to see her when I got home and hung up.

How does someone handle that kind of loss? How do you survive when the bottom drops out?

At the risk of being simplistic, I believe one key that I've seen modeled by people who have weathered deep pain, and emerged better for it, is that they lean into the pain.

I've watched how two other close friends, Rex and Connie, have processed and grown through the loss of their young adult son – their only child – to suicide three and a half years ago. Here's what I've observed in them and others:

They stepped into their pain honestly. Sitting with Rex (we're in a small group together each week with a couple of other men), he never sugar-coated his situation, questions, or feelings. He demonstrated to our group that He has enough faith in God to tell Him straight-up what he thought of allowing his son to die. That kind of honesty can be brutal. It's messy. Rex knew he had permission to say pretty much anything with us, and still be safe. Wounds don't heal if you just cover them up.

In the Old Testament, David lived in this kind of transparency with God. Phrases like “how long, O Lord?” echo throughout his Psalms. His words were painfully honest. And yet, God called him “a man after My heart.” He wrote in Psalm 22: 1-2:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent (NIV).

It's important to remember that although these words were prophetically pointing to what Jesus said on the cross, they were first poured out of the heart of David as coming from his own experience. David leaned into his pain honestly.

They stepped into their pain in community. Rex and Connie are part of prayer groups, support groups for survivors of suicide loss, and other small groups. With believers and unbelievers who share this common thread of suicide loss or care for loved ones with mental illness, there is a safe place to practice being honest with others who understand. Sometimes friends want to love you, but simply don't “get it.” There is a unique fellowship among others who have experienced the same wounds. People heal more quickly when they are intentional about “bearing one another's burdens, and so fulfilling the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

They stepped into their pain redemptively. As they have deepened in their growing understanding of the power of God's Spirit to heal their hearts, Rex and Connie have sensitively shared that reality with others who have faced a similar loss. They are salt and a hopeful light in relationship with people who know only the salt of tears and little hope. I've thought many times how they are living examples of 1 Corinthians 1:3-7, “comforting others with the comfort with which they have been comforted.”

This article spoke volumes to my heart this morning. Recently with all of the delays over the trials, I have been trying to ignore the fact that I am still grieving. I have been trying to forget that I have a hole in my heart that is still healing. The delays in the trials make it very hard to move on with our new normal life and I have tried to go back to the time before Tonia died but with little success. Instead I have put added pressure on Rick and Sean as well as my extended family. My relationships have suffered over the last several months. I am not the same person I once was but God is shaping me to be the woman He wants me to become. But I have to listen and I have to continue to Step Into my Pain. I have cried out in the early morning hours: "Why is my daughter gone? Why is everything delayed again and again? Why am I at odds with the people in my life? Please take away the sorrow in my heart!" God usually allows me to cry in the shower and then when I turn on mu Ipod a song speaks to my heart.

I have so much more of this journey to go through. My relationship with my son, Sean, is one of my biggest stumbling blocks in my faith walk right now. I have become too clingy with him. He is a man who is living at home and trying to set his feet on a new course in his life. I want him to be my young son who I can mother and advise. It isn't going well! LOL. I have been afraid of losing him; which is not how God wants me to act. I haven't been trusting God with his life and his future. It isn't easy knowing that I only have one of my children still here alive and able dote on. So I am reading "Parenting your 20 Something Kids". I have more to learn and I need to do it now before I push him away.

We have also decided that we need to get back involved with some adults in our lives. We have been teaching Sunday school to the senior high group, we co-lead small groups for the senior high and we work with the youth group on Sunday nights. We don't have the fellowship with other adults and we need this. We have decided to step away from teaching Sunday school for now and get back involved with an adult group at church on Sunday mornings. We need the fellowship and the accountability.

God promises never to leave us, He promises to comfort us when we mourn, and He promises us to be our strength. I need to step into my pain and acknowledge once again that I can't do this alone!

“There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still.”

With much love and hugs!

Good Friday & Suffering

Last night we went to the Good Friday service at our church. This is my favorite service of the entire year. Yes even more than Easter or Christmas! It is this service that I have cherished ever since I accepted the gift of salvation through Jesus. I cry every Good Friday because I am reminded that I am a sinner and that it was only through the suffering and death of Jesus Christ that promised me an eternity with God. It has meant so much more to me now that we have been separated from Tonia, for this moment. I know that I will see her again. She accepted Christ's gift of the cross so I will be dancing with her one day.

But knowing this doesn't take away the hurt in my heart or the longing I feel to hold her again. I also hurt for our families who don't know God and who refuse to even talk about Him. My heart aches to speak the truth into their lives but every time I have tried I have been rebuffed. So we pray and pray that their ears and their hearts would be open to God's voice. I know that without God in my life I would not have survived the murder of our daughter. The horrific act of violence that took her life and even today the details that continue to be revealed to us as the trial becomes closer; tears my heart apart. But I have a God who understands my suffering. He experienced suffering. He voluntarily accepted the beatings and the death on the cross for me. I would have traded places with my daughter and I would lay down my life for my son but I could not give up my life for you! But Jesus did!

Jesus knows my suffering intimately. He understands my tears. He loves me. He promises that one day he will wipe away every tear from my eyes (Revelation 7:17). So Good Friday is a reminder that it is my sins that were nailed to the cross, that Jesus died for me and that one day I will again walk in Heaven with my daughter. That promise gives me an opportunity today to pray for our friends and family and for their acceptance of this gift!

Here is a devotional that touched my heart. I love you!



The Significance of Suffering from today's Our Daily Bread devotional:

“Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:3

Let’s be honest, most of us would have to admit that we have a natural aversion to suffering. It may not bother us so much when “bad” people suffer, but we often get bent out of shape when suffering happens to “good” people—especially to us! We think that life owes us happiness, comfort, wealth, and a bit of prosperity. So when life deals us a blow, it’s no wonder we are prone to “grow weary and lose heart.”

Thankfully the writer of Hebrews helps put things into perspective by instructing us to “consider” the suffering of Jesus. When we fully grasp the terrible suffering that Jesus Christ—the only perfect person to walk this planet—endured on our behalf, it makes all the difference.

It’s significant to note that Jesus knew exactly what was coming. The night before His death, He told His disciples, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer” (Luke 22:15, italics mine). I have often thought that it would have been a lot easier for Him to die a different way—something more sudden and less violent. Why was such deep agony required?

Jesus knew that suffering is part and parcel of Satan’s grip on our lives. Satan loves to bring it on, because he believes the more suffering he can throw at us, the more we will become defeated, discouraged, and disengaged from God. That’s his plan. And so the enemy threw the book at Jesus. Satan entered the heart of Judas, which meant that Jesus would suffer the bitter betrayal of a trusted friend. The kangaroo courts and crowds declared Jesus to be a criminal, beat and mocked Him, and inflicted terrible agony on Him. He stumbled up the cobblestone steps carrying His own cross, felt the stab of the sword in His side, the nails in His hands and feet, the thorns on His brow. He tasted suffering for us, and all the while Satan said, “Take that!”

What Satan did not know was that behind the scenes, God was working to use Jesus’ experience of suffering to turn the tables on Satan and defeat him through the suffering. The suffering of Jesus was a prelude to the ultimate defeat of sin, death, and hell. Because He died on the cross and suffered for us, we too can be assured that in the depths of suffering there is the reality that victory will be God’s end game for us. So, when Satan heaps suffering on your life, you can be certain that God, who works all things together for good (Romans 8:28), is ready to turn the tables on Satan to bring victory out of defeat for you.

I don’t know about you, but I’m really thankful that Jesus was not only willing to die, but to defeat the stronghold of suffering in the process. He willingly walked into the arena of suffering in order to achieve complete, final victory over the ravaging effects of sin. And what’s more, He proved that there’s life beyond the grave.

So don’t miss the significance in your time of suffering! When Satan throws his best stuff at you, because of Jesus you can believe that God is both able and ready to turn the tables on him—and to bring you out with hands held high in victory!

We all Need.....

This past weekend was a good weekend as well as a draining weekend. Rick and I had the chance to hang out on Saturday morning and just talk and cuddle. We needed the down time together. We have been on the run for so many weeks that our batteries were going dead. So we drank coffee slowly, we talked, we went out to brunch. Sweet day.

This weekend I was honored to have a part in many conversations both face to face and online. As I woke up praying for these people and there situations one thing became very clear. They all needed one thing... Love. No matter what the issue was underneath it all they were all crying out for someone to love them and hug them and listen to them. Isn't that what we all need? Someone to hold us in their arms and say I am here, I care, tell me about your troubles.

God is there for us 24/7 but sometimes we also need a physical touch to connect us. God has put us here on earth to love one another. Isn't that what Jesus said the 2nd greatest commandment is ....love your neighbor as yourself....

I know that I need love and hugs and someone to say I am here for you. Whether it is a friend struggling with marriage issues, a teenager who is fighting against knowing God, a teenager worried about their life and family or a pastor who is learning how to fit into and serve a congregation; we all want to be loved.

I know that God has given be the gift of hugs and it is a honor to be able to share this with as many people as I can. Maybe you need a hug today?

Grief Lessons

Well it had been an interesting week. After being very busy over the last two weekends and then having a disagreement with a family member, I crashed. I haven't slept well and I was feeling very discouraged and blue and once again I was questioning why!

Why do I feel this way?
Why has our life taken this path?
Why do I have to fight my attitude about going to work?
Why am I fighting with people I love?
Why is my daughter gone?
Why is God asking us to change more of our life and start new tasks and ministries?
Why am I so resentful?
Why, why, why, why?

The questions don't have answers that make sense right now. The only thing I know is that that my heart hurts. I know that I have so many friends who care about me and who pray for me. For now I will hold on to those prayers.

It seems that every time we have a really good day or a really good weekend then I crash. I invest so much of myself in the day to day living and caring and trying to reach out to others and I forget that I need to refresh myself and I need to lean on God's strength and not my own. I can't reach out and love others if I don't first fill up on God's word and God's love!

So tonight I am going to go to sleep early, wake up and spend time with God and then go to work. And somewhere in the mix have a really good, cleansing cry!

May God bless you! Hugs!

Family Fitness Retreats

This past weekend Rick and I had the opportunity to lead a marriage retreat weekend called Family Fitness Retreats. This weekend was wonderful but so emotionally draining.

We were hosted by Ed & Annie Knotts who own a home on Darlington Lake. They host weddings, receptions, rehearsal dinners, graduation parties and have the bed and breakfast aspect also. It is a beautiful home and all of the couples felt so welcomed and loved.

The weekend was about making your marriage and your family more fit to serve God. It is a wonderful time to learn, to reflect both individually and as a couple and to set some new goals for the family. We were so honored to be asked to lead this group.

Marriages and families are under attack and anything that we can do to help the family to grow stronger and closer to God then it is worth our time and passion.

God has really held us up over the last two weekends but now I am crashing and I need to recharge my battery, Today I will reflax and work on pictures and listen to what God has taught us.

Thank you for your prayers!

Emmanuel Bible Fellowship ladies

This weekend I had the great honor to speak at a church retreat in Sunbury, PA. It was such a wonderful weekend. God was there and he gave me so much strength. I have made some new friends and I have seen the family of God reach out to a stranger and love her all weekend. My friend, Kathy, drove in from Philly to be at the retreat. This was the first time we have ever met face to face. What a delightful woman and she is evidently following God and allowing him to help her heal and grow. We will come and have dinner when we are in Philly! The Clark sisters: Joy, Ruth, Dori and Kathy, sang all weekend. They were 4 beautiful women who were using their gifts to glorify God! Don't forget to call me when you get to Pittsburgh! Shari and her daughter, Morgan, were so much fun to get to know. Morgan wants to be a doctor in the mission field and I believe that she can reach this goal. She is a very insightful young lady. Can't wait to see you when you visit Seth at Geneva. Gloria and Pastor Chuck are a delightful godly couple. I enjoyed the conversations I had with Gloria. Thank you for your prayers! Julie, Katie and Dennis: what can I say? Thank you for your hospitality, especially for Katie giving up your room! Thank you for your friendship. Friday night's chat session was so precious to us. We were sharing our hearts and lives. Julie you are a sister of my heart!

The ladies reached out to love us and lift us up and I can't say thank you enough. As we were driving away I said to Rick that we had just made some new friends. He agreed with me and said that we needed to keep in touch. God was so good to me. I had the strength to speak and my voice never gave out until we started driving home. I got in the car and it was as if the plug had been pulled. I was exhausted and my voice was sore and I became hoarse. But before this I was fine. God is amazing.

I will keep all of you in my prayers. I love you! I am sending a BIG HUG to all of you!

Prayers for Retreat

This weekend I will be speaking at Emmanuel Bible Fellowship Church in Sunbury, Pennsylvania. The theme for the weekend is Healing and Hope for the Journey.

I would appreciate your prayers as I speak this weekend. My goal is to share my testimony and the story of how God has worked in our lives after the death of Tonia. I hope that God will use our story to reach out to other women and families who are struggling with storms in their lives.

My prayer is that I would honor God in everything I say and do. I am also honoring my daughter's memory. I am nervous and excited about the weekend.

Please prayer for the ladies putting this weekend together as well as the ladies attending.

Love & hugs!

Can You Sleep When The Wind Blows?

This is from my friend and pastor's blog. Matt is a wonderful man and his insights always help me to remember where my strength comes from and the lessons I can learn! I thought I would pass this on. I forget that if I am prepared that I too "can sleep when the wind blows". Often I am worried and fretful. I needed this reminder.


Can You Sleep When The Wind Blows?

Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him. "Well , I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows." Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.