God At Work in My Life

It has been a roller coaster ride over the last few months. I have been doing a lot of soul searching about my purpose in life, why I write this blog and how God can use me. I wasn't sure I should continue writing this blog. I never wanted it to be about me. I wanted to use it so I could keep my friends informed about all of the stuff surrounding Tonia's death and about the prayer needs that we have.

I have decided that I will continue to write about what I am learning from God, about the legal details and anything else that God brings to my heart. If you read this and it touches your heart than God has used this blog to reach out to you. I will continue to pray over what I am writing and I will continue to be very honest about my feelings. This is who God has created me to be; a mess of words that need to be said! On that note:

Recently I attended a woman's retreat for our church. Janet Helms was the speaker and her topic was "Lord Make Me The Woman You Want Me To Be". It was very moving. I am still working on becoming that woman but I have figured out a few things.

I love people! If you know me then this probably isn't a surprise. I love to talk to people, I love to hug people. I come alive when I am surrounded by people. It is when I spend time alone that I become sad and tired. But I also understand that I need to have my quiet time alone with God. He uses that time to speak to me, to rebuke me and to turn my thoughts to Him. Which brings me to the next thing I have figured out.

God doesn't want me to live in the past. I miss Tonia so much and that is okay. There is a hole in my heart that will never go away. The tears and the sorrow are part of who I am and reflect the love that I have for my daughter. I think that God wants to use the hole in my heart to reach out to other people with His message of love and healing and hope! Some days this is not so easy. I get overwhelmed by all of the needs surrounding me. I want to help everyone and fix everyone. I can't help or fix anyone! Only God can do this; but I believe that I can be available for Him to use.

I also know that I have a need and desire to express myself both in my writing and in talking to others. I want to tell the world about how gracious and wonderful God has been to us during this very crazy, mixed up time. God has taken a violent tragedy and used it to create love and joy. People have been blessed by hearing His message of salvation and love. People have accepted Him as their Savior. What was meant for evil, God has used for His glory and honor!

I have and continue to have a choice to make. I can spend the rest of my life grieving and angry and living my life in the past. Or I can live out the purpose that God has in mind for me. Living, a verb, a choice, a movement forward. I can choose anger and hate and bitterness or I can choose love and joy and submission to God. One poisons; the other brings healing. I can choose to be silent or I can choose to speak out. I can allow the evil in this world to win or I can allow God's love and eternal life to win.

I choose God! I choose life. I choose healing. I choose joy, laughter and singing. I will not be silenced by the critics or skeptics. Bring it on! If my God is for me than who can be against me! I have a long way to go in my walk but I know that I am not on this journey alone. God walks with me. He carries me through the storms when they come. He picks me up when I fall. God wins: I win!

God bless you! Hugs!