Critical Communication

My husband, Rick, and I have worked very hard at keeping the lines of communication open during the life of our marriage. When the kids were small and he was traveling we needed to keep each other informed of all of the facts of life: when Sean lost his first tooth, when Tonia was in the school chorus concert. But it went way beyond just the facts. In order for our relationship to thrive as the partnership the God designed it to be, we had to talk about us; our emotions, our needs and even our frustrations and insecurities. There is seldom a day that goes by when Rick is traveling that we don't talk at least 4-5 times in one day. We call each other to say good morning and good night. He calls when he arrives in a new city. I call to let him know what I will be doing during the day.

This habit has saved our marriage! On the day that Tonia died we went to church, had a meeting and then Rick left to catch a plane for California. I stayed at the church to run the youth group evening. It was during youth group that the phone call came into my cell phone from the Sheriff in Ohio. Devastating news: our daughter was dead, Sean was out with friends and Rick was on a plane! Communication just became the highest priority. I had to call Sean and ask him to meet me at church so I could break the news to him. I had to wait until Rick's plane landed in Denver and catch him before he left for California. Breaking the news over the phone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

As important as it had been in the past, communication became a critical factor in our lives over the next several months. Statistics say that 70% of couples who lose a child divorce within the first years after the death. I can totally understand that! As good as our habits of communication were they were NOT good enough! I have described our coping with our grief as two trains on different sets of tracks, paralleling each other but going at different speeds. We were heading in the same direction because of the habits we had formed but our journey was so different!

I needed to talk, know details, share emotions and grieve out loud. Rick needed to internalize, get actions accomplished and draw strength from God in order to be the rock for Sean and me! Early on I became so frustrated when I thought he didn't care because he was not talking, then I would get angry at him and at myself for being so needy. He tried to explain that he didn't have the need to talk but he would listen. We HAD to learn to compromise and respect the differences in each other. I learned to ask very specific questions, then he would share with me. I also learned to tell him what I needed from him. For instance, everything started becoming overwhelming at one point so I asked Rick if we could get away for a night at a hotel so we could talk and reconnect. The next thing I knew he had used points and we had a hotel room booked!

I also learned to listen to what he was telling me in the middle of other conversations. He mentioned that one of the things he does when he is on a plane is to listen to his iPod. When the song "Healing Rain" (which we played at Tonia's funeral) comes on he cries. That is huge! I heard him say that and I understood how much he hurts over the loss of Tonia! Rick knows me so well that on the way into church services he grabs tissues and puts them into his pocket because he knows I will probably cry during the songs!

We have had to learn new ways to communicate and stay connected to each other and to Sean. We have our challenges and our problems but we are willing to work at being there for each other. This is how God designed a marriage partnership to be but it is not easy but it is so worth it. My husband is my best friend and my partner. That is how we have coped during the loss of Tonia. Otherwise we would be one of the statistics!

Questions I Have for You!

I have been writing a journal since the day after Tonia died and someday I hope to have it printed to use when I speak to other families about grief and hope. I am speaking this April at our church's women's retreat for one session and next year I am the speaker for the entire weekend at another church in Pennsylvania.

I have asked some people to share their thoughts and I decided that I would post these for anyone who wants to share their experiences with me. I want different people to answer so I can understand their point of view and their thoughts. The more people I have answer these then the more examples I can have to answer questions both for others and for myself. My journal is almost 100 typed pages and it is still growing! Some of these thoughts I have shared with you in my blog but most of it I have kept to myself for now. I am in no hurry but I think this will be a great source of comfort to know how others have felt and responded to Tonia's death. I have been amazed at the stories I have already gathered from others reactions to situations in their own lives. It has been a source of comfort to know that I am not crazy in my responses! If you have a story from your own experiences I would love to hear from you!

1. How did you hear about Tonia's death? From who?
2. What was your reaction?
3. What did you notice about the people around you and how they reacted? Immediately and into the present.
4. How were you affected by Tonia's death, the funeral and the events afterward?
5. What questions did it bring up? Did you find any answers?
6. What has affected you the most?
7. Any other comments you want to share that will help me understand how you have learned to cope with the changing situation!
8. Comments and insight into or about the people around you

Please email your response to me at toniainfo@gmail.com.

Thank you for your help on this project!

Hugs,
Kathy

Sponsoring A Child

In November, Rick and I attended a conference for youth workers in Atlanta. At the conference, Compassion International, had a booth set up. During the conference I kept thinking about the daughter I had lost and about other parents in the world who struggled to meet the needs of their children. My heart kept breaking over and over. So on the last day of the conference, we stopped by the booth. We found the sweetest, saddest picture of a 4 year old little girl who lives in Brazil. She was obviously overwhelmed by the camera and she wasn't smiling. But oh how she tugged at my heart strings. Her name is Geovana. Yesterday I received our first letter and colored picture from her! What a joy to read that she loves dolls and she loves to sing! She told us about her family and her three friends. Her favorite color is pink. My heart just over flowed with joy and love for this little girl. We made such a great decision the day we stopped by that booth.

My little girl is not here right now, but maybe another mother will be able to watch her child grow up and become a little bit stronger. It is a very selfish act also because I get to tell Geovana about God's love for her and I get to hear about her cat and dolls. It is good to have another child to love! God is so good and he gives us love enough to go around and it never runs out!

Geovana's picture is on our refrigerator so I can see it every morning when I wake up. What a gift from God!

Joy

Yesterday our son turned 21! Wow. The years have slipped by so quickly. He is turning out to be a great young man and I am so proud of how he is responding to all of the challenges in our life. I love you sweetheart!

Yesterday, God also gave me a glimpse into a familiar place. I was at church for a meeting yesterday afternoon and I found myself running to get some tasks accomplished and then dancing to a song going in the background. I found a piece of joy that I have dearly missed. Someone looked at me and said "Kathy you are dancing!" I responded by saying that I feel that a part of me has come back. I have know other moments of joy in the last 7 months but yesterday it felt very spontaneous and freeing and right! The heavens were praising God and I was joining in the celebration. God has been, is right now and will continue to be worthy of all of my praise and adoration. He has given me strength and peace and prayer warriors who have bathed us in prayer. Thank you Father.

Rick & I had the opportunity to go out to dinner last night with 3 other couples from our church. It was a sweet time of fellowship and fun. The subject of Tonia's death eventually came up and I was able to share with them without breaking down into tears. I was shaky but able to share. This is a victory only because I know that I will be sharing with others and I need to know I can communicate without falling apart.

So yesterday was a testament to God's grace to us once again. It was a good day! Joy and peace are gifts from God and I will cherish them!

In God's Time

This morning I have been thinking about everything that has happened over the last 6+ months. God has been teaching me so much about myself and some of it has been very hard to learn. In this time of waiting he has been refining me to depend only on Him, everything else has faded away. My life used to be so structured and full of stuff to get done and stuff to do. The stuff I used to define my life around are no longer available but God is! So we become very dependent and very vulnerable. I have been looking for a new job and when I started I thought, I can find a job in a heartbeat, well it has been a month and a half and 22 applications later and still nothing. It is frustrating to wait but God has something very special in mind. We are also waiting for all the legal stuff to begin. Not knowing when the other shoe will drop and try to pull us into the whirlpool has driven the control freak in me absolutely crazy. Once again I hear God saying, do you trust me to provide the strength you need? All I can do is to open up my hands and release everything to Him.

The hardest times for me are the mornings because I wake up and I want everything to be back to "normal". I want to be able to pick up the phone and call Tonia and JC to see if they are okay and are we going to make plans to get together. Tonia and I were supposed to start getting together once or twice a month to make cards. I have bought all of the stamping sets and we had talked about this being our mom - daughter time together. We set a date to get together on Wednesdays. I have made a bunch of cards since she died but for now the passion has been dampened. I have all of my supplies waiting because one day I am going to wake up and want to make cards again. But once again God has said, take time to rest in me. This is a time to become more of who I want you to be. Trust Me!

So this morning as I have been reading my devotional and talking to God, I am quietly resting, waiting and trusting. I know I do not understand but I have a relationship with God that I can depend upon. So this morning I open my heart, my ears and my hands and I release the impatience, the doubts and the frustrations. God, they are yours! Thank you for being my Abba Father who cares so much for me that you would carry me through this time of sorrow and confusion.

Asking Questions and Talking

I have been asked by a friend, who was concerned about "saying the wrong thing", how she can support us and what not to do or say.

After thinking about it, here are my thoughts:
Don't be afraid to ask questions, if I don't want to answer I will tell you
Don't "tip-toe" around me, I may cry but I won't break and I won't scream, but I may ask you to go away for the moment :)
Ask me if I want to talk about Tonia, most of the time the answer will be yes
Don't tell me it was God's will, I know that but hearing it from someone else hurts
Don't tell me it was for the best, even if I believe that it doesn't take the hurt away
Ask me if I want company on specific days (birthdays, anniversary of her death, the day the trial starts, etc) I may want company or I may want to be alone. I usually don't know until I am asked!
Ask to see pictures or any memorabilia that I have, they have a very special place in my heart
Ask Rick about Rick and Sean, they are hurting and coping in very different ways and their silence doesn't mean they don't need your support.
Tell me that you are still remembering us in your prayers, they are our lifeline to God!

But the absolute best thing you can do is offer to give me a hug (I will take it)!

Understand that I will cry and I don't know what will start me crying. It could be happy tears because of a song that the worship team is singing, joyful tears because I can feel God's arms around me, or sad tears because a baby cried and it reminded me that Tonia was once my baby.

But it is okay for me to cry at times. Not crying just makes me cranky and causes a bunch of stress! You don't want to see me cranky :)

Love me, pray for me and just be there. I love you!

Trusting God & Renewing My Spirit

I was talking to a dear friend the other day and she asked me if I had ever felt that God has abandoned me. I honestly can say no! Even with everything that has happened I have known God’s presence all around me. It is through God’s grace and the power of prayer. Through the death of Tonia, the loss of my brother Chris and everything else that has happened, prayer has strengthened me, comforted me and held me close to God. The prayer session we had at church the night after Tonia died gave Rick and I the peace to be interviewed by the reporter, the peace to let go of our daughter and the peace to continue to trust God with the future. During the most painful moments I can look at all of the cards we have received and remember the prayers that others are saying on our behalf. Without prayer we would be alone, unprotected and without hope. Prayer has been and will continue to be the cord that ties us to God.

This conversation has started me thinking about my relationship with God and the future. I do not know what will happen in the next hours, days or months but I do know that I have a choice. Either I try to handle everything by myself or I trust God and allow him to take care of the future. I am a control freak but I understand that I am human, fragile and weak. God is ever present, all knowing and powerful; I choose to trust Him. But that means also admitting to myself that life will feel like a roller coaster at times because I am not in control and I do not understand. I also have to recognize that there will be times of very strong emotions, strong grief but equally strong joy. That is who I am and how God has wired me and that is okay! I am learning more about myself and who I am in my weaknesses and in my strengths. My prayer is that I can continue to be used by God in whatever way he has planned and that I can get out of the way!

On that note: I have been asked to speak at various events. I am praying about the opportunities. It has never been a goal to speak to anyone but I enjoy sharing my life story. If God can use any part of our life to bring someone closer to him then I am willing. I am praying that God makes it very clear to me that this is something I can do. My concern is that I am agreeing to share our story for the right reasons. The only reason to tell anyone about what we have been through is to allow God to use me for His kingdom. I will continue to pray for guidance.

I am changing slowly. I am starting to wake up feeling a sense of anticipation again. I had lost that for a time. I am healing in my heart and in my soul. God has given me time to slow down and talk to Him. It is good.

I see a rainbow that has formed through the storm. It is a sign of hope that God has provided and will continue to provide. Thank you, Abba Father!