Communicating & Today's Events

In today's "Purpose Driven Life" devotional, Jon Walker writes about communication and relationships. In relationships the failure to communicate can be extremely frustrating. But, the failure to commune leads us to despair. Communication is usually about sharing information – at its most basic level, the transmitting and receiving of meanings. Communion, however, is about sharing life. It’s about knowing and being known, caring and being cared for on a deep and personal basis. Perhaps the most pressing need each of us has is to know that we are fully known and yet still deeply loved; that, despite our failures and weaknesses, regardless of our successes and strengths, we are still unconditionally loved.

How important it has been to communicate my feelings to others. To share my fears, worries, and joys. My heart has been torn and then mended. My tears have been shed and then wiped away. God has heard me as I communicate and even more as I share my life. Anyone who has read this blog has heard me and cared for me and for that I am so grateful.

Today, is just another Friday, but at the same time events may happen that will give us another piece of the puzzle of our lives. At 1:30 Eastern time today, there will be a pre-trial status conference. Nothing may happen other than a meeting; but then again we could hear that the trial is postponed, there may be talk of a plea bargain, or we may hear that we are moving ahead. It affects us in a part of our life but strangely enough it also doesn't affect us. We have no control over the events of today. But God knows and we need to hold on to that thought. Last night I spoke to my sister and to a new Pastor we have at church. I told them both that the trial itself changes nothing. Tonia is gone. She is in Heaven waiting to greet us when we come home to God for all eternity. No trial, no sentence, no waiting to hear will bring her back or change our lives. So in a way today's events really don't have anything to do with the rest of our lives as we continue to put together our "new normal". But at the same time today does affect our thoughts (and especially my stomach)as I process the idea of sitting through a trial or hearing that it has been postponed and knowing that we have to wait patiently for a new date. What a mixture of emotions. One moment I am reveling in the joy and peace I am feeling from God and then next I am in the pits of despair over my own insecurities and frustrations. My rock through everything is my faith in God and my relationship with Jesus Christ as my savior. After this life is over I know that I will be spending eternity is the loving presence of my Father in heaven with my family around me. No more worries, no more tears but the deepest joy that makes me want to run and shout and lead a conga line around the gates of Heaven. I get a glimpse of this joy and I hold onto the feeling as hard as I can.

So today, as we wait for the events to unfold, everyday life goes on. I have an appointment to get my hair cut, I am seeing some dear friends and having dinner with my son. The sun is shining and for now I rest in the moment.

I wish you a day full of hugs!

Critical Communication

My husband, Rick, and I have worked very hard at keeping the lines of communication open during the life of our marriage. When the kids were small and he was traveling we needed to keep each other informed of all of the facts of life: when Sean lost his first tooth, when Tonia was in the school chorus concert. But it went way beyond just the facts. In order for our relationship to thrive as the partnership the God designed it to be, we had to talk about us; our emotions, our needs and even our frustrations and insecurities. There is seldom a day that goes by when Rick is traveling that we don't talk at least 4-5 times in one day. We call each other to say good morning and good night. He calls when he arrives in a new city. I call to let him know what I will be doing during the day.

This habit has saved our marriage! On the day that Tonia died we went to church, had a meeting and then Rick left to catch a plane for California. I stayed at the church to run the youth group evening. It was during youth group that the phone call came into my cell phone from the Sheriff in Ohio. Devastating news: our daughter was dead, Sean was out with friends and Rick was on a plane! Communication just became the highest priority. I had to call Sean and ask him to meet me at church so I could break the news to him. I had to wait until Rick's plane landed in Denver and catch him before he left for California. Breaking the news over the phone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

As important as it had been in the past, communication became a critical factor in our lives over the next several months. Statistics say that 70% of couples who lose a child divorce within the first years after the death. I can totally understand that! As good as our habits of communication were they were NOT good enough! I have described our coping with our grief as two trains on different sets of tracks, paralleling each other but going at different speeds. We were heading in the same direction because of the habits we had formed but our journey was so different!

I needed to talk, know details, share emotions and grieve out loud. Rick needed to internalize, get actions accomplished and draw strength from God in order to be the rock for Sean and me! Early on I became so frustrated when I thought he didn't care because he was not talking, then I would get angry at him and at myself for being so needy. He tried to explain that he didn't have the need to talk but he would listen. We HAD to learn to compromise and respect the differences in each other. I learned to ask very specific questions, then he would share with me. I also learned to tell him what I needed from him. For instance, everything started becoming overwhelming at one point so I asked Rick if we could get away for a night at a hotel so we could talk and reconnect. The next thing I knew he had used points and we had a hotel room booked!

I also learned to listen to what he was telling me in the middle of other conversations. He mentioned that one of the things he does when he is on a plane is to listen to his iPod. When the song "Healing Rain" (which we played at Tonia's funeral) comes on he cries. That is huge! I heard him say that and I understood how much he hurts over the loss of Tonia! Rick knows me so well that on the way into church services he grabs tissues and puts them into his pocket because he knows I will probably cry during the songs!

We have had to learn new ways to communicate and stay connected to each other and to Sean. We have our challenges and our problems but we are willing to work at being there for each other. This is how God designed a marriage partnership to be but it is not easy but it is so worth it. My husband is my best friend and my partner. That is how we have coped during the loss of Tonia. Otherwise we would be one of the statistics!