Blessings

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Last weekend we had a house full of Penn State former and current students. They stayed the weekend at our home to say goodbye to their friend, Jessie, as they celebrated her life at her funeral. What a beautiful weekend. Tears amid laughter. Joy mingled with sorrow. Life mingled with death followed up by eternal life. The circle continues. As I was talking to one of the young women at our home; she reflected that they all needed the time to fellowship together and that the time after the funeral was so important for their hearts. They needed to remember Jessie. They needed to cry. They needed to be angry. They needed to laugh as they told Jessie stories. They needed to love and to be loved.

I got to be mama for the weekend to these precious young men and women. My heart was overflowing. Sean had his friends and his family around. It was good.

We had a party for Jessie since she was already partying in Heaven. We shared in the joy. We said goodbye for now. One day we will all be together celebrating at the foot of God.

How awesome is our God. Have a blessed day. Hugs!

Little Things that Make Me Smile

I love bears. I have statues of bears, I have stuffed bears. I even have some kitchen towels that have bears on them. Today I have a new Build-A-Bear. My first build-a-bear was given to me by my husband for Christmas after our son went off to college. He has a Penn State t-shirt and it was just a comfort to have him around. After Tonia died we went into her home trying to salvage a few mementos. I was really looking for a doll that I had made Tonia when she was 3 years old. Her name was Patty Ann. We looked all over until I couldn't take being in the house anymore and we never found her. I knew that Tonia had her because she had just come to our house to get her a few months before she died. I was so disappointed. When my sister came out to visit shortly after this; we each decided to make a favorite animal as a sweet remembrance of Tonia. She made a purple Hippo and called it by a nickname of Tonia's. I made a bear, of course, and named it Patty Ann. She sits in my dining room and it is just a sweet reminder of when Tonia was small.

So today I finally have a purple bear. I have wanted one but didn't want to spend the money and I didn't want to give in to the reason I wanted a new bear. Since I can no longer have any other children (not that I was planning to!); I decided I wanted a bear with a name that I had picked out years ago if we had anymore kids. Danielle Rae or Danny Rae for short. So yes, I am silly, sentimental and goofy but when my package came in the mail; I smiled and hugged a new friend. She is just a reminder to me that I can enjoy life. That it is okay to have fun and be silly and that God provides a rainbow even in the middle of a storm. So on the nights when I am lonely or just need to cuddle something, I have Danny Rae. Simple Things: a hug, a smile and a bear make my day a little bit brighter. God provides just when we need a bit of sunshine! Hugs and Love to you today!

Easter thoughts

It has been a very long couple of weeks. God has opened another door in our lives. Last week I started a new job at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. It has been very tiring, very rewarding and very frustrating. Last year at this time our life looked so very different than it does right now. So many things have changed and I don't think they are done yet. What I have learned is that I am not in control. My job is to continue to walk in faith one day and sometimes one moment at a time. Working at Children's Hospital reminds me of Tonia because she spent time at Children's Hospital of Chicago when she was 7 years old. The atmosphere was wonderful. Everyone there wanted to be on the kids' sides against disease and death. I have seen kids who are so sick yet they walk around the hospital with their IV poles, playing and laughing. It is an amazing sight. God is very present. He is in the faces of the teams of people who are fighting disease and death. He is present in the joy on the kids faces as they see the hospital dogs walking around with bunny ears on this week. He is present when a family says goodbye to their child. The people are an amazing team. I am blessed!

So after going to the Good Friday service last night I have some thoughts about our lives over the last nine months. We have been in mourning over the death of Tonia and we will continue to mourn her loss for a very long time. But we are not mourning without hope.

This weekend has already affected me in ways that I never expected. Last nights service was so powerful. I bawled like a baby. Jesus understands my pain and my mourning. Jesus was mourning over the very people who placed him on the cross; The pharisees, the guards and even his own disciples. They abandoned him at the time of his greatest need. At such a time as this the verse "Jesus wept" is so true and so humbling. He is crying out to God asking, why have you forsaken me, even as he is asking God to forgive them, for they know not what they do. He is mourning the sins of the world, taking them upon Himself and crying out to God. The Good Firday scene ends when he is placed in the tomb. But remember that our joy comes in the morning. God wipes away every tear from our eyes and that promise is seen when the tomb is found empty on Easter morning!

Jesus wept, cried out, asked forgiveness, died and prepared the way for the day when our tears, our suffering will be wiped away. On the day we accepted Christ as our Savior we wept and cried out to God to save us and he wiped away the sins of the past and promised that one day he will wipe away all of the tears and the burdens that we carry on earth!

He is a God that turns mourning into joy. Easter is coming! The promise is kept. Our hope for the future is written in the empty tomb. God is truly amazing and I am humbled by His sacrifice for me.

God has called Tonia home just as he called His own son home. But without the mourning that Jesus did on the cross for us, Tonia would not be celebrating Easter in Heaven. Jesus prepared the way for her and for me. So today I weep over the loss in my heart and in our lives. I cry out to God "why can't I have my girl with me here today" but I also celebrate with eyes and arms wide open; letting Tonia go for this time, this moment but knowing that she is waiting right next to Jesus to welcome me home one day! One day all of my tears will be wiped from my eyes!

May this weekend your hearts be filled with the joy and the peace and the promise of Easter!
I love you all!
Kathy

Joy

Yesterday our son turned 21! Wow. The years have slipped by so quickly. He is turning out to be a great young man and I am so proud of how he is responding to all of the challenges in our life. I love you sweetheart!

Yesterday, God also gave me a glimpse into a familiar place. I was at church for a meeting yesterday afternoon and I found myself running to get some tasks accomplished and then dancing to a song going in the background. I found a piece of joy that I have dearly missed. Someone looked at me and said "Kathy you are dancing!" I responded by saying that I feel that a part of me has come back. I have know other moments of joy in the last 7 months but yesterday it felt very spontaneous and freeing and right! The heavens were praising God and I was joining in the celebration. God has been, is right now and will continue to be worthy of all of my praise and adoration. He has given me strength and peace and prayer warriors who have bathed us in prayer. Thank you Father.

Rick & I had the opportunity to go out to dinner last night with 3 other couples from our church. It was a sweet time of fellowship and fun. The subject of Tonia's death eventually came up and I was able to share with them without breaking down into tears. I was shaky but able to share. This is a victory only because I know that I will be sharing with others and I need to know I can communicate without falling apart.

So yesterday was a testament to God's grace to us once again. It was a good day! Joy and peace are gifts from God and I will cherish them!