my brother, Chris

This morning, after 3 days of being in the open heart unit at the hospital, my 27 year old half-brother, Chris, died. Chris and Tonia were only 15 months apart so they grew up together. I have pictures of them together as babies! When Sean was born I have a picture of them both sitting on the floor with him, wondering what this new baby was all about. My heart is hurting for my dad. He has lost a grand-daughter and now a son. He doesn't have a relationship with God to help him through this sorrow. Please be praying for him.

My heart is hurting so much. It is so hard to believe that these two young lives are gone. Our strength is not coming from within because I feel as if I have aged 10 years in the last 5 1/2 months. I have nothing left to give, yet God is very present. I cried with my sister, Lisa, on the phone last night and then again in the wee hours of the morning when she caalled to tell me that Chris was gone.

I have so many memories of Chris; talking about rock climbing and jumping his bike and just being a boy. I remember Christmas mornings when Todd, Chris, Tonia and Sean could hardly wait to wake us up. I remember when Chris would show me how to do stuff on the computer.

Chris leaves behind a 4 year old daughter who will need our prayers.

This Christmas will be bittersweet. We will be surrounded with family and friends but there are special people who will be missing. This Christmas will be much more about the promises of Christmas than ever before.

God is weeping with us today as I remember.....

A Fact about Grief

I learned something new this week. I am not usually someone who cries at the drop of a hat or who cries in public but this past weekend I experienced a loss that knocked me for a loop. In talking to a friend who runs a grief support group I learned something about human beings and God.

GOd wired us to survive! He created us to be able to handle the tough things in life with His strength and not our own. But because we are human we handle stress in a very unique way. My grief over our daughter, Tonia's death, has come in small bursts. GOd has protected us because He knows that we can only take so many emotions at a time. We have a very long journey ahead of us and our grief will continue to be there and we will have to revisit her death over and over. So God only gives us what we can handle.

This weekend I experienced the loss of another kind, the temporary loss of a passion and a way of life. My grief was like a torrent of water falling over my head and almost drowning me. I could not see through the pain and I could not understand this deep grief. But God in His wisdom understood that when we are going through stressful times we need to grieve with all of our passion and lean on Him for comfort. My friend said that since this is a grief that I can allow myself to feel right now that I am grieving much more than I normally would because of all of the grief I have stored up in my body. God created us to grieve, release the stress, lean on Him and survive to face another day.

So today I have weathered a storm of emotion hanging onto God and friends who have been my diligant prayer warriors. Today I am a survivor not by my strength but through God's grace and mercy.

The sun is shining and I am feeling God's comfort in my heart.

May you know the comfort, compassion and grace from our Heavenly Father.

After Thanksgiving

What a very emotional several days. We were blessed with family (my mom, dad, sister, and nephew) as well as dear friends of Tonia's. Amelia & Jeff and their children came to visit us this past Tuesday. What a joy to have these very special people in our home and in our lives. Thank you! Then on my birthday, Tonia's friend Wade came to spend the entire weekend. Wow, it was wonderful to have Wade, Sean and Rick to cook for and to just share precious memories. Wade has been a part of our family for years so I have my guys around!

We saw a great movie last night that made me cry; Ausgust Rush. It is definatley worth seeing. Today we went to the cemetery together. What a wake-up call to me. My wonderful, beautiful daughter is no longer enjoying the holidays with us but how grateful I am to know that she is in Heaven celebrating being with God! My emotions are all over the board. Happy for friends and family, sad over the loss in our life, and even angry that we have to deal with this. But through it all I will continue to trust that God is right here with us. He weeps when I weep and shares the memories and joy.

May God continue to bless you and your family during this very special season.

Holidays

Next week is my birthday and also Thanksgiving. I understand how the Holidays can be bittersweet. Tonia's high school friend, Wade, is coming to spend Thanksgiving with us which is wonderful! But the idea of Tonia not being at dinner is leaving me feeling lost, very blue and wondering how manu other people are feeling alone over the holidays.

I am thankful that we had her in our lives for 25 years. We would be starting to sing all of our favorite Thanksgiving songs by now. Christmas music would be playing on Thanksgiving Day especially Amy Grant's Christmas albums. Heirlooms was one of Tonia's favorite songs. We would sing it over and over together. Music will continue to be the link that binds my memories together.

As the holiday season begins I will remember the songs, the love and the memories and nothing will ever take those away from me. My prayer is that God will bless all of the people in our lives who have reached out to us in love.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with God's love and blessings!

Legacy

Last Friday our daughter's headstone was placed at her gravesite. I haven't been there to see it yet. It will be a reminder of how final this life is and I am not ready to see it yet. I will be going with purple carnations and some other things to mark her final resting place here on earth. But once more I am reminded that she is not there. She is in Heaven with God and she is singing and dancing and celebrating for all of eternity.

I miss her so much and even though I know that I will see her again some day I forget that she is gone. I find myself thinking that I need to tell her how her puppy Pixie is growing. How I heard a song on the radio that she would love, or I want to call her up to take a walk to see the leaves. This was our favorite time of the year. We loved going to Indiana Dunes State Park to walk among the trees and marvel at the leaves. I miss this time together. Our lives will never be the same.

God has wrapped His arms around us and I can feel His comfort and peace; otherwise I think that I would go crazy with my grief. But he comforts me as I mourn.

This season has been so hard yet I have never felt closer to God.

Tonia, I miss you sweetheart. Dance for joy and my heart will dance with you!

Waiting and Trusting

As we wait to hear about all of the legal ramifications in our daughter's death it reminds me of all of the times that God told people to wait and trust in him. Waiting seems to be God's way of telling us to trust him to be in control, to know the best possible thing that can happen in our situations. But my human side cries out to hurry up, take care of this, give me an answer and even, what is taking so long? Patience has never been one of my stronger gifts so God has really had to work on this part of my life. But amazingly something else has occured while I am waiting; I have slowed down enough to hear God's voice! His voice that tells me, "I will never leave you or forsake you" and "for I know the plans I have for you". It is His voice that gives me peace on nights that I have trouble sleeping and His voice that says I share in your tears, I will comfort you. Without God in my life I do not know where I would turn to for strength.

So as we wait, we wait with God's arms around us, holding us very close.

Do you know the God I am talking about?

Thoughts on Forgiveness

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reading about what forgiveness is and what it isn't. The Bible tells us to forgive 70 times 7 times. That is about how many times are human nature needs to be reminded to forgive. It is so true that we can get to a point where we say, I forgive you, and then something happens and the hurts flare back up and we need to remember that we have already let that one go and forgive again.

Forgiveness is:
letting go of the anger that is only tearing me up inside
it is not forgetting about what happened.

Forgiveness is:
letting go of the judgment in my heart and allowing God's judgment to stand

Forgiveness is not:
reconciliation. It takes two to reconcile but only one to forgive.

Forgiveness is not condoning an action.

Forgiveness is not taking away the consequences of the action.

In order to move on and live the life that God has planned for me I need his strength to forgive. I need his strength not to become bitter.

As I near the three month mark of Tonia's death I find myself praying to continue my journey toward forgiveness; to JC and his friends, to family members who have said bitter things, and to others who have sometimes unknowingly hurt me during their grief process.

I am missing Tonia as I look at the leaves changing and remembering our walks at the Dunes. We has so much fun kicking up the leaves and rolling down the sand dunes. Walking in the woods was always so peaceful.

God said that there is a season for everything: a time to laugh and a time to cry. I just never realized that sometimes it is the season for both at the same time. I am watching Tonia's puppy, Pixie, who has joined our home. She is ALL puppy. Knocking everything over, chewing on every bone I give her and jumping on my lap, even when my computer is there first! She makes me laugh. I will be crying and she jumps up and tries to lick off all of my tears! She tears around the house having a surge of energy and everyone gets out of her way. How can I not laugh? Tonia would have been clapping her hands and laughing hysterically at her antics.

So life goes on and I continue to pray that God comforts me, teaches me, and uses me for His purposes. The journey of forgiveness is an ongoing one but in the end I know the outcome. God wins! In Heaven my soul will be at peace and I will be dancing and singing with my Father.

May God's peace fill your heart and may you see the world through His eyes!

I Love You!

Sermon we heard the morning Tonia died: Freedom Through Forgiveness by Warren Sullivan