Lessons of Life/ God's Strength

Tonight I have been thinking about events of the last several days, months and years. I am grateful that God has been carrying me and giving me strength as I know that I cannot experience or survive life without His mighty strength and love. If you are from Pittsburgh or have seen the news, the shooting at the LA Fitness center is already known to you. A sweet lady, Betsy, that I knew from the hospital was one of the women killed. Betsy was sassy and vibrant and full of life. She will be missed by so many people in her life. When I heard her name mentioned on the news I thought it couldn't have been her. Things like this just don't happen. Not here, not now.

I became very discouraged, very hurt, very confused about why people I know keep dying in such tragic ways. So many losses, so many families forever changed. God why are these violent acts and senseless tragedies happening? Then I remembered this verse: John 16:33"....in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

God knew that we will lose friends and family members. He knew that we would experience trials of many kinds. This world was never meant to be our home. It is flawed and full of sin. I sin. I try not to but I do. There is sin in this world and because of it tragedies happen. Young adults are killed in car accidents, a friend becomes a widow too soon, friends are killed in a senseless rampage, loved ones die from diseases, and daughter's are murdered in their home. This is not my home! I will be going home to a place that is filled with love. Radiant, eternal, undeserved love!

While I am here in this temporary home I have choices to make: I can either become depressed, anxious and afraid to care or to live or I can choose to live out the moments that God gives to me. Not afraid to proclaim that I love God. Not afraid to feel emotions. Willing to dance when my spirit is filled with joy and willing to cry when my heart hurts. I will never understand why these tragedies happen but I can choose to wake up tomorrow and maybe hug someone who hasn't been hugged in a very long time! God has given me today. I accept this gift for today!

May God bless you with hugs, love, laughter and friends.

Grief Lessons

It is spring time and the trees are budding. Life is moving forward. Since starting my new job 5 weeks ago I have been so tired from everything I am learning and experiencing that I think I put all of my emotions on hold. Don't get me wrong I have felt joy and experienced sorrow. Listened to music and lifted my voice in song, had dinner with Nicole who teaches me how to walk with courage through her daily life and kept up with all of the tasks of life. But I have had nights when I could not sleep and it wasn't because I wasn't tired, I was too tired! I had forgotten that in order to continue to heal that I had to continue to express what I am feeling. My answer to everyone has been "I am doing okay". Well I was doing okay but I wasn't sharing the tension that I was feeling. Friday started my step back into God's arms. I experienced joy this weekend as Rick and I went to see "To Kill A Mockingbird" at Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School. It was done with such skill and with such sensitivity! One of "our teens", Nic, had a major role in the play and he was so good. I cried at the various parts and rejoiced at the hard lessons of life learned by the kids in play. Then on Saturday we saw "Fiddler On The Roof" at Beaver High School. Several other of "our teens" were in this play. Braden, Josh, Rachel and Megan all did a great job. Braden played Motel the Tailor and he did a fantastic job singing "Wonder of Wonders". I am so proud of all of their hard work and talent! This was the first musical I have seen since Tonia died and it was one of our favorites so I found myself crying even as I was singing along with all of the numbers. It opened up the floodgates of emotions that I have been ignoring. I have been ignoring the pain of losing Tonia to the extent that I have pushed several people away lately. I allowed the business of life to take over and instead of walking through and learning from my emotions I have been shutting them into a box. I haven't even written in my journal for a few weeks. This has been a huge mistake because yesterday I walked into church and everything came crashing down. I cried before the service, during the service and even after the service. My heart was breaking all over again. Missing Tonia, missing Danny, missing Chris, missing the youth group students, regretting the people I have pushed away lately. I fell into a chasm of grief as deep as I experienced after Tonia's funeral. The storm broke, lightening flashed, the wind roared and then...peace began to gently and slowly cover me. Rick was there handing me tissues and sending one of the students to give me a hug. Linda and I cried in each other's arms. Claudia, Jodi and Mary all came over just to love on me. The music reminded me that God was there and he was holding me up and listening to my anguish. Prayers were being said all around us as people watched and understood that I was in pain. I fell into the arms of God and once again I could see the light. After the storm passed I felt clean. I have to take the time to clean up the mess left behind once again but the air smells sweeter and the sun is peeking through the clouds! The sermon this week was entitled "For Such A Time As This". Ironic how the messages seem to come just when I need to hear them!

This morning my body has responded to all of the emotions by shutting down on me! I don't have a voice today and I slept for 8 hours. God is definitely saying TIME OUT. Rest in me today and allow me to heal your body and your heart. Stop running and start responding to me. I have things to teach you and to show you. You have been created for such a time as this. Be still and listen. Walk through the pain, I will be there.
Once again I am reminded that my joy will come in the morning for God has promised this but my sorrow will never fully go away but it will be transformed and if I respond it will change me into the person that God wants me to become! Faith, hope and trust; I will rest on these!
I know that my grief will always be a part of me but I have learned that I can't ignore it. It won't go away but what I need to do is to allow my life to be transformed by the grief into something new. Maybe even something better as I can listen with ears tuned to the pain around me and maybe respond with God's love. So today I will rest and write and praise the God who gives me a reason to keep moving forward with belief and hope.

A Fact about Grief

I learned something new this week. I am not usually someone who cries at the drop of a hat or who cries in public but this past weekend I experienced a loss that knocked me for a loop. In talking to a friend who runs a grief support group I learned something about human beings and God.

GOd wired us to survive! He created us to be able to handle the tough things in life with His strength and not our own. But because we are human we handle stress in a very unique way. My grief over our daughter, Tonia's death, has come in small bursts. GOd has protected us because He knows that we can only take so many emotions at a time. We have a very long journey ahead of us and our grief will continue to be there and we will have to revisit her death over and over. So God only gives us what we can handle.

This weekend I experienced the loss of another kind, the temporary loss of a passion and a way of life. My grief was like a torrent of water falling over my head and almost drowning me. I could not see through the pain and I could not understand this deep grief. But God in His wisdom understood that when we are going through stressful times we need to grieve with all of our passion and lean on Him for comfort. My friend said that since this is a grief that I can allow myself to feel right now that I am grieving much more than I normally would because of all of the grief I have stored up in my body. God created us to grieve, release the stress, lean on Him and survive to face another day.

So today I have weathered a storm of emotion hanging onto God and friends who have been my diligant prayer warriors. Today I am a survivor not by my strength but through God's grace and mercy.

The sun is shining and I am feeling God's comfort in my heart.

May you know the comfort, compassion and grace from our Heavenly Father.