Thoughts on Forgiveness

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reading about what forgiveness is and what it isn't. The Bible tells us to forgive 70 times 7 times. That is about how many times are human nature needs to be reminded to forgive. It is so true that we can get to a point where we say, I forgive you, and then something happens and the hurts flare back up and we need to remember that we have already let that one go and forgive again.

Forgiveness is:
letting go of the anger that is only tearing me up inside
it is not forgetting about what happened.

Forgiveness is:
letting go of the judgment in my heart and allowing God's judgment to stand

Forgiveness is not:
reconciliation. It takes two to reconcile but only one to forgive.

Forgiveness is not condoning an action.

Forgiveness is not taking away the consequences of the action.

In order to move on and live the life that God has planned for me I need his strength to forgive. I need his strength not to become bitter.

As I near the three month mark of Tonia's death I find myself praying to continue my journey toward forgiveness; to JC and his friends, to family members who have said bitter things, and to others who have sometimes unknowingly hurt me during their grief process.

I am missing Tonia as I look at the leaves changing and remembering our walks at the Dunes. We has so much fun kicking up the leaves and rolling down the sand dunes. Walking in the woods was always so peaceful.

God said that there is a season for everything: a time to laugh and a time to cry. I just never realized that sometimes it is the season for both at the same time. I am watching Tonia's puppy, Pixie, who has joined our home. She is ALL puppy. Knocking everything over, chewing on every bone I give her and jumping on my lap, even when my computer is there first! She makes me laugh. I will be crying and she jumps up and tries to lick off all of my tears! She tears around the house having a surge of energy and everyone gets out of her way. How can I not laugh? Tonia would have been clapping her hands and laughing hysterically at her antics.

So life goes on and I continue to pray that God comforts me, teaches me, and uses me for His purposes. The journey of forgiveness is an ongoing one but in the end I know the outcome. God wins! In Heaven my soul will be at peace and I will be dancing and singing with my Father.

May God's peace fill your heart and may you see the world through His eyes!

I Love You!

Sermon we heard the morning Tonia died: Freedom Through Forgiveness by Warren Sullivan

Saying Goodbye!

Over the last month and a half I have been trying to move on after the death of our daughter, Tonia Brundage Amato. I was taking care of everyone else except for me and my grief. It took having an argument with a family member to get me to finally start to unload everything I am feeling. This is the beginning of that process:A love letter to my daughter, Tonia.

Tonia,
I miss you so much. We were just beginning to heal after the tough years we went through together. We were just starting to forge a better relationship between a mother and a daughter but also as friends. We had plans to get together to make cards together. You were searching out a church home. It was fun looking at the churches on the internet and reading about their beliefs and their activities. I saw God working on your heart as you drew closer to him. I heard the wonder in your voice as you told me that you had never felt as close to God as you were that day. I will miss seeing you blossom into the beautiful women you were becoming. I will miss finding out that you will become a mother and me a grandmother. I will miss watching grandkids grow up and hearing from you when they take their first steps. I will miss shopping for maternity clothes and baby clothes. I will miss hearing your voice and singing with you.I know that you are celebrating at the feet of God; that your voice is raised in songs of worship to Him. I know you are out of the despair over JC and your marriage. I know that your pain and anguish are over. I know that God in His perfect way knew when you needed to come home to Him. His timing was perfect but it was not my timing and I need to trust Him even when I do not understand. My girl, I need to say goodbye but just for a little while. We will be together again and we will be singing together again. I cannot promise I will not cry because I do miss you but I will not ask God to bring you back to live in this world when I know you are living in His love! I will continue to pray for JC and maybe one day he can come to know the peace that only God can provide to him. I promise that I will stay very close to God and that I will seek out His will for my life and I will accept whatever plans he has for me. Be in peace my precious girl. We love you!
Mom

Friends,
When Tonia died I was given several gifts:
I was given the gift of knowing that she was gone even before I heard it from the Sheriff
I was given the gift of a church family to love, support and pray for me and over me
I was given the gift of a husband who walked by my side as we journeyed through the days together
I was given the gift of a sister who I thought I had lost forever
I was spared the knowledge of how she died until I was strong enough to hear it
I was given the knowledge that she had come to know the Lord both from her own lips and in written form
I was given the knowledge that God knew exactly what she was going through and took her at the perfect time to spare her from what is coming
I was given the Peace, that only comes through God, that I will see her again
I have been given so much and now God wants me to give to others.

I will continue to proclaim His name as the Only way to Heaven, as the merciful and gracious father, and as the comforter through all trials.

But it does take action and effort on your part. God knocks but he is not rude. He will not come into your life until he is invited in.

I Love you!