In God's Time

This morning I have been thinking about everything that has happened over the last 6+ months. God has been teaching me so much about myself and some of it has been very hard to learn. In this time of waiting he has been refining me to depend only on Him, everything else has faded away. My life used to be so structured and full of stuff to get done and stuff to do. The stuff I used to define my life around are no longer available but God is! So we become very dependent and very vulnerable. I have been looking for a new job and when I started I thought, I can find a job in a heartbeat, well it has been a month and a half and 22 applications later and still nothing. It is frustrating to wait but God has something very special in mind. We are also waiting for all the legal stuff to begin. Not knowing when the other shoe will drop and try to pull us into the whirlpool has driven the control freak in me absolutely crazy. Once again I hear God saying, do you trust me to provide the strength you need? All I can do is to open up my hands and release everything to Him.

The hardest times for me are the mornings because I wake up and I want everything to be back to "normal". I want to be able to pick up the phone and call Tonia and JC to see if they are okay and are we going to make plans to get together. Tonia and I were supposed to start getting together once or twice a month to make cards. I have bought all of the stamping sets and we had talked about this being our mom - daughter time together. We set a date to get together on Wednesdays. I have made a bunch of cards since she died but for now the passion has been dampened. I have all of my supplies waiting because one day I am going to wake up and want to make cards again. But once again God has said, take time to rest in me. This is a time to become more of who I want you to be. Trust Me!

So this morning as I have been reading my devotional and talking to God, I am quietly resting, waiting and trusting. I know I do not understand but I have a relationship with God that I can depend upon. So this morning I open my heart, my ears and my hands and I release the impatience, the doubts and the frustrations. God, they are yours! Thank you for being my Abba Father who cares so much for me that you would carry me through this time of sorrow and confusion.

Asking Questions and Talking

I have been asked by a friend, who was concerned about "saying the wrong thing", how she can support us and what not to do or say.

After thinking about it, here are my thoughts:
Don't be afraid to ask questions, if I don't want to answer I will tell you
Don't "tip-toe" around me, I may cry but I won't break and I won't scream, but I may ask you to go away for the moment :)
Ask me if I want to talk about Tonia, most of the time the answer will be yes
Don't tell me it was God's will, I know that but hearing it from someone else hurts
Don't tell me it was for the best, even if I believe that it doesn't take the hurt away
Ask me if I want company on specific days (birthdays, anniversary of her death, the day the trial starts, etc) I may want company or I may want to be alone. I usually don't know until I am asked!
Ask to see pictures or any memorabilia that I have, they have a very special place in my heart
Ask Rick about Rick and Sean, they are hurting and coping in very different ways and their silence doesn't mean they don't need your support.
Tell me that you are still remembering us in your prayers, they are our lifeline to God!

But the absolute best thing you can do is offer to give me a hug (I will take it)!

Understand that I will cry and I don't know what will start me crying. It could be happy tears because of a song that the worship team is singing, joyful tears because I can feel God's arms around me, or sad tears because a baby cried and it reminded me that Tonia was once my baby.

But it is okay for me to cry at times. Not crying just makes me cranky and causes a bunch of stress! You don't want to see me cranky :)

Love me, pray for me and just be there. I love you!

Trusting God & Renewing My Spirit

I was talking to a dear friend the other day and she asked me if I had ever felt that God has abandoned me. I honestly can say no! Even with everything that has happened I have known God’s presence all around me. It is through God’s grace and the power of prayer. Through the death of Tonia, the loss of my brother Chris and everything else that has happened, prayer has strengthened me, comforted me and held me close to God. The prayer session we had at church the night after Tonia died gave Rick and I the peace to be interviewed by the reporter, the peace to let go of our daughter and the peace to continue to trust God with the future. During the most painful moments I can look at all of the cards we have received and remember the prayers that others are saying on our behalf. Without prayer we would be alone, unprotected and without hope. Prayer has been and will continue to be the cord that ties us to God.

This conversation has started me thinking about my relationship with God and the future. I do not know what will happen in the next hours, days or months but I do know that I have a choice. Either I try to handle everything by myself or I trust God and allow him to take care of the future. I am a control freak but I understand that I am human, fragile and weak. God is ever present, all knowing and powerful; I choose to trust Him. But that means also admitting to myself that life will feel like a roller coaster at times because I am not in control and I do not understand. I also have to recognize that there will be times of very strong emotions, strong grief but equally strong joy. That is who I am and how God has wired me and that is okay! I am learning more about myself and who I am in my weaknesses and in my strengths. My prayer is that I can continue to be used by God in whatever way he has planned and that I can get out of the way!

On that note: I have been asked to speak at various events. I am praying about the opportunities. It has never been a goal to speak to anyone but I enjoy sharing my life story. If God can use any part of our life to bring someone closer to him then I am willing. I am praying that God makes it very clear to me that this is something I can do. My concern is that I am agreeing to share our story for the right reasons. The only reason to tell anyone about what we have been through is to allow God to use me for His kingdom. I will continue to pray for guidance.

I am changing slowly. I am starting to wake up feeling a sense of anticipation again. I had lost that for a time. I am healing in my heart and in my soul. God has given me time to slow down and talk to Him. It is good.

I see a rainbow that has formed through the storm. It is a sign of hope that God has provided and will continue to provide. Thank you, Abba Father!

2008

As 2008 begins, I can't help but reflect over the last year. Tonia died 6 months ago today, which seems very unreal. At times it feels as if I just picked up the phone to talk to her and at other times it feels like my heart has always been broken. The last few days have been wonderful in many ways but also very sad. On December 30, JC turned 37 and it is hard to fathom the thought that he is celebrating another birthday while we are missing Tonia. When I start thinking like this I have to remember that although I don't understand, I can trust God! Since Tonia's death we have heard from old friends of hers and it has been great to reconnect with them. We have been surrounded by the prayers of our family and friends and we have felt God's embrace around us! I do not think I could have gone through everything without the prayers of our friends.

Our prayer is that we can be used by God in 2008 in whatever way he chooses and that more of our family and friends come to know Christ as their Savior this year!

I will continue to write this blog this year as the events unfold.

With love!

Christmas

This Christmas season has been so bitter sweet. We have been surrounded by family and friends. Rick's sister, Gail, and her daughter, Leslie, came out to be with us over the holidays and it was wonderful. We brought Sean home from Penn State, we cut down a Christmas tree together and decorated it, we celebrated the season and we got to have fun at the Carnegie Sports Center. What a joy it was to have them both here with us. It was a gift to us. We also have been spoiled by people with home made cookies, bread and other goodies. We spent time with our church family singing carols and celebrating the birth of our Savior. We were surrounded by God's blessings.

It was hard singing carols without Tonia. We also watched White Christmas, our traditional Christmas movie, without her to sing all of the songs with me. So I did cry and feel very blue and very sentimental. But we made it through the holiday with new traditions mixed with the old, with a smile thinking about Tonia celebrating in Heaven, and knowing that we continue to look to God for our strength and for everyone he placed in our path.

As we look forward to the New Year, I wish for you:
a new or deeper relationship with God
friends to hug you throughout the year
family to love you day in and day out
a focus on the things of eternal importance

But I especially give you my love and a hug from the bottom of my heart. It is because of your prayers and love that we have been able to move forward and begin to see that we will survive and we will even be stronger.

May God bless you and yours as we move toward 2008!

All of my love!

my brother, Chris

This morning, after 3 days of being in the open heart unit at the hospital, my 27 year old half-brother, Chris, died. Chris and Tonia were only 15 months apart so they grew up together. I have pictures of them together as babies! When Sean was born I have a picture of them both sitting on the floor with him, wondering what this new baby was all about. My heart is hurting for my dad. He has lost a grand-daughter and now a son. He doesn't have a relationship with God to help him through this sorrow. Please be praying for him.

My heart is hurting so much. It is so hard to believe that these two young lives are gone. Our strength is not coming from within because I feel as if I have aged 10 years in the last 5 1/2 months. I have nothing left to give, yet God is very present. I cried with my sister, Lisa, on the phone last night and then again in the wee hours of the morning when she caalled to tell me that Chris was gone.

I have so many memories of Chris; talking about rock climbing and jumping his bike and just being a boy. I remember Christmas mornings when Todd, Chris, Tonia and Sean could hardly wait to wake us up. I remember when Chris would show me how to do stuff on the computer.

Chris leaves behind a 4 year old daughter who will need our prayers.

This Christmas will be bittersweet. We will be surrounded with family and friends but there are special people who will be missing. This Christmas will be much more about the promises of Christmas than ever before.

God is weeping with us today as I remember.....

A Fact about Grief

I learned something new this week. I am not usually someone who cries at the drop of a hat or who cries in public but this past weekend I experienced a loss that knocked me for a loop. In talking to a friend who runs a grief support group I learned something about human beings and God.

GOd wired us to survive! He created us to be able to handle the tough things in life with His strength and not our own. But because we are human we handle stress in a very unique way. My grief over our daughter, Tonia's death, has come in small bursts. GOd has protected us because He knows that we can only take so many emotions at a time. We have a very long journey ahead of us and our grief will continue to be there and we will have to revisit her death over and over. So God only gives us what we can handle.

This weekend I experienced the loss of another kind, the temporary loss of a passion and a way of life. My grief was like a torrent of water falling over my head and almost drowning me. I could not see through the pain and I could not understand this deep grief. But God in His wisdom understood that when we are going through stressful times we need to grieve with all of our passion and lean on Him for comfort. My friend said that since this is a grief that I can allow myself to feel right now that I am grieving much more than I normally would because of all of the grief I have stored up in my body. God created us to grieve, release the stress, lean on Him and survive to face another day.

So today I have weathered a storm of emotion hanging onto God and friends who have been my diligant prayer warriors. Today I am a survivor not by my strength but through God's grace and mercy.

The sun is shining and I am feeling God's comfort in my heart.

May you know the comfort, compassion and grace from our Heavenly Father.