The Presence of God

As we wait for another chapter in our lives to unfold in the near future, I am surrounded by the grace and mercy of God. Just when I feel that I can't handle any other emotions or any other changes, God gives me a sense of peace that gets me through that rough moment. I read somewhere that the strongest prayer is not asking for an earthly need but a prayer asking to be brought into the presence of God. Letting go of the control and need to know and instead asking God to dwell within me has been one of the greatest gifts. I only feel God's presence when I truly let go of me and embrace Him. When I struggle to maintain control then I am hurt. My struggle is within me and it even creates problems within my family. We fight over seeing things in a different light and then we have to work our way back to the unity we usually have.

Tonia is with God. Our lives here on this earth are forever changed, a new normal is here to stay. We have had choices to make: to be bitter and angry or to accept what is and find out how we can be used while we are still alive. We can choose to be victims or we can choose to be survivors. We can choose to seek revenge or we can choose to forgive. We can allow the horror to make us cynical and mistrusting or we can choose to believe in the goodness deep within every human being.

I choose to survive, thrive, and to live in the blessing of now! I choose forgiveness, I choose belief in people and I choose LIFE!

I know I will need to read this over and over as circumstances become overwhelming but I will continue to remember that God is merciful and that He is my strength. The light penetrates the darkness every time!

Thank you Abba Father for today and for the promise of eternity.

27th Birthday

Tonia would have turned 27 today! It hurts to know we will never celebrate another year with her but I don't want to forget the wonderful years that we had her with us so this is a photo collection through the years! Happy Birthday my sweet girl! We love you and miss you!

Little Things that Make Me Smile

I love bears. I have statues of bears, I have stuffed bears. I even have some kitchen towels that have bears on them. Today I have a new Build-A-Bear. My first build-a-bear was given to me by my husband for Christmas after our son went off to college. He has a Penn State t-shirt and it was just a comfort to have him around. After Tonia died we went into her home trying to salvage a few mementos. I was really looking for a doll that I had made Tonia when she was 3 years old. Her name was Patty Ann. We looked all over until I couldn't take being in the house anymore and we never found her. I knew that Tonia had her because she had just come to our house to get her a few months before she died. I was so disappointed. When my sister came out to visit shortly after this; we each decided to make a favorite animal as a sweet remembrance of Tonia. She made a purple Hippo and called it by a nickname of Tonia's. I made a bear, of course, and named it Patty Ann. She sits in my dining room and it is just a sweet reminder of when Tonia was small.

So today I finally have a purple bear. I have wanted one but didn't want to spend the money and I didn't want to give in to the reason I wanted a new bear. Since I can no longer have any other children (not that I was planning to!); I decided I wanted a bear with a name that I had picked out years ago if we had anymore kids. Danielle Rae or Danny Rae for short. So yes, I am silly, sentimental and goofy but when my package came in the mail; I smiled and hugged a new friend. She is just a reminder to me that I can enjoy life. That it is okay to have fun and be silly and that God provides a rainbow even in the middle of a storm. So on the nights when I am lonely or just need to cuddle something, I have Danny Rae. Simple Things: a hug, a smile and a bear make my day a little bit brighter. God provides just when we need a bit of sunshine! Hugs and Love to you today!

In Memory of Maria Chapman

I wanted to share this link after hearing how the Chapman family are responding to losing Maria. They are grieving but their faith is in God and knowing that they will one day be reunited with their daughter. It is only through our faith in God and a saving relationship with Jesus Christ that we can all know for certain that we will be forever in eternity with our children and other loved ones. My prayers are with the Chapman family and with any family who has gone through the hardship of losing a loved one. No matter how we have lost a loved one, whether through an illness, an accident or through being killed by someone else we are all in need of hope and prayers. We hurt, we mourn, we cry when our arms are empty. God understands and shares our tears. But he also holds out hope for the future. To everyone who has lost anyone in your life: I share your pain, I lift you up in prayer. I pray that if you don't know Jesus Christ as your savior that you would ask questions!

To the Chapman family: Prayers and love are all I can offer.


In memory of Maria, Jim Houser, Steven Curtis’ manager, set up a blog. Visitors can watch a video of her and Steven and send condolences to the family. Houser said, “Your prayers are needed for all in the Chapman family. This is a family who has so generously loved and given to so many. Just hours before, this close-knit family was celebrating the engagement of the oldest daughter, Emily Chapman, and were just hours away from a graduation party marking Caleb Chapman’s completion of high school. Now, they are preparing to bury a child who blew out five candles on a birthday cake less than 10 days ago. And yet we trust in a God who was not surprised by this, and because of Jesus I am certain through faith in Him we will see Maria again.”

The Chapmans request any gifts be directed to Shaohannah’s Hope in lieu of flowers.

Mother's Day

Today we celebrated Mother's Day. Rick and Sean gave me beautiful cards and yesterday we planted some beautiful hydrangea bushes that I have been wanting for my prayer garden. Today we had lunch with a couple I consider our spiritual parents. It was a very nice day and it was very special to be with the people I love.

Of course it was also bittersweet as I was missing Tonia so very much. It made me very aware of people around me who were not celebrating today with their entire hearts. Mothers who are not in touch with their children because of problems in the family, mothers who have lost children even before they were born, women who have lost their mothers and women who have never had their own children. This day is a beautiful occasion to honor the women in our lives who have loved us and nurtured us. But it can also be a day when tears are very close to the surface and life doesn't seem quite fair or normal. I get this for the very first time in my life.

So today I would like to send a hug to women every where; just because you are a very special child of God. Women have a very special place in God's plan for this world. So today I want to say Happy Mother's Day but I also want to say I am glad to know all of the women in my life and I thank you for being a part of my life.

Grief Lessons

It is spring time and the trees are budding. Life is moving forward. Since starting my new job 5 weeks ago I have been so tired from everything I am learning and experiencing that I think I put all of my emotions on hold. Don't get me wrong I have felt joy and experienced sorrow. Listened to music and lifted my voice in song, had dinner with Nicole who teaches me how to walk with courage through her daily life and kept up with all of the tasks of life. But I have had nights when I could not sleep and it wasn't because I wasn't tired, I was too tired! I had forgotten that in order to continue to heal that I had to continue to express what I am feeling. My answer to everyone has been "I am doing okay". Well I was doing okay but I wasn't sharing the tension that I was feeling. Friday started my step back into God's arms. I experienced joy this weekend as Rick and I went to see "To Kill A Mockingbird" at Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School. It was done with such skill and with such sensitivity! One of "our teens", Nic, had a major role in the play and he was so good. I cried at the various parts and rejoiced at the hard lessons of life learned by the kids in play. Then on Saturday we saw "Fiddler On The Roof" at Beaver High School. Several other of "our teens" were in this play. Braden, Josh, Rachel and Megan all did a great job. Braden played Motel the Tailor and he did a fantastic job singing "Wonder of Wonders". I am so proud of all of their hard work and talent! This was the first musical I have seen since Tonia died and it was one of our favorites so I found myself crying even as I was singing along with all of the numbers. It opened up the floodgates of emotions that I have been ignoring. I have been ignoring the pain of losing Tonia to the extent that I have pushed several people away lately. I allowed the business of life to take over and instead of walking through and learning from my emotions I have been shutting them into a box. I haven't even written in my journal for a few weeks. This has been a huge mistake because yesterday I walked into church and everything came crashing down. I cried before the service, during the service and even after the service. My heart was breaking all over again. Missing Tonia, missing Danny, missing Chris, missing the youth group students, regretting the people I have pushed away lately. I fell into a chasm of grief as deep as I experienced after Tonia's funeral. The storm broke, lightening flashed, the wind roared and then...peace began to gently and slowly cover me. Rick was there handing me tissues and sending one of the students to give me a hug. Linda and I cried in each other's arms. Claudia, Jodi and Mary all came over just to love on me. The music reminded me that God was there and he was holding me up and listening to my anguish. Prayers were being said all around us as people watched and understood that I was in pain. I fell into the arms of God and once again I could see the light. After the storm passed I felt clean. I have to take the time to clean up the mess left behind once again but the air smells sweeter and the sun is peeking through the clouds! The sermon this week was entitled "For Such A Time As This". Ironic how the messages seem to come just when I need to hear them!

This morning my body has responded to all of the emotions by shutting down on me! I don't have a voice today and I slept for 8 hours. God is definitely saying TIME OUT. Rest in me today and allow me to heal your body and your heart. Stop running and start responding to me. I have things to teach you and to show you. You have been created for such a time as this. Be still and listen. Walk through the pain, I will be there.
Once again I am reminded that my joy will come in the morning for God has promised this but my sorrow will never fully go away but it will be transformed and if I respond it will change me into the person that God wants me to become! Faith, hope and trust; I will rest on these!
I know that my grief will always be a part of me but I have learned that I can't ignore it. It won't go away but what I need to do is to allow my life to be transformed by the grief into something new. Maybe even something better as I can listen with ears tuned to the pain around me and maybe respond with God's love. So today I will rest and write and praise the God who gives me a reason to keep moving forward with belief and hope.

Women's Retreat

Yesterday I spoke at my church's annual women's retreat. I shared part of our story with a very special group of ladies. On Thursday night before the retreat I was feeling very nervous and very insecure. I had doubts about my ability to share God's glory and I even started getting sick to my stomach. Who am I that anyone would want to hear from me? What can I say to show how God's grace has worked in my life? I was full of self doubt.

Then later on Thursday evening I got an email from a friend of mine who was directly involved in the night I found out about Tonia's death. She wrote to me about how she had found out about Tonia's death and her reaction to having to figure out how to let me know. God's hand was very evident in her email and what she told me had happened the day Tonia died! It gave me the strength to trust God; at least long enough to get to the retreat and hear from everyone that they were praying for me :) By the time I spoke on Saturday morning I was much calmer and much more at peace. On Friday evening, Susan Reichert from Pine Valley Bible Camp and her daughter Hannah spoke. Their testimony about how God led them through the valley and into their ministry at Pine Valley was awesome. It was truly a testimony to God's work in their life. They are doing amazing things working with inner city youth every summer at camp.

On Saturday morning I was able to get through my story with out breaking down. I had to cut a bunch of it out because of the time limitations but I think that I did okay. I wanted to let the ladies know how many gifts we had been given by God and to testify to how I will continue praise him through this time even while we are walking through the valley.

Once I was through speaking and sat down, I broke down into tears. I was exhausted and I had a huge headache. But God had given me the strength to speak and it was okay that I finally hit the wall. I will continue to speak as long as God brings the opportunities to me. It was a very special weekend filled with songs and prayers and hugs!

Thank you to my special friends who have been praying for us. Your prayers have been felt!

I Love you!