Joy

Yesterday our son turned 21! Wow. The years have slipped by so quickly. He is turning out to be a great young man and I am so proud of how he is responding to all of the challenges in our life. I love you sweetheart!

Yesterday, God also gave me a glimpse into a familiar place. I was at church for a meeting yesterday afternoon and I found myself running to get some tasks accomplished and then dancing to a song going in the background. I found a piece of joy that I have dearly missed. Someone looked at me and said "Kathy you are dancing!" I responded by saying that I feel that a part of me has come back. I have know other moments of joy in the last 7 months but yesterday it felt very spontaneous and freeing and right! The heavens were praising God and I was joining in the celebration. God has been, is right now and will continue to be worthy of all of my praise and adoration. He has given me strength and peace and prayer warriors who have bathed us in prayer. Thank you Father.

Rick & I had the opportunity to go out to dinner last night with 3 other couples from our church. It was a sweet time of fellowship and fun. The subject of Tonia's death eventually came up and I was able to share with them without breaking down into tears. I was shaky but able to share. This is a victory only because I know that I will be sharing with others and I need to know I can communicate without falling apart.

So yesterday was a testament to God's grace to us once again. It was a good day! Joy and peace are gifts from God and I will cherish them!

In God's Time

This morning I have been thinking about everything that has happened over the last 6+ months. God has been teaching me so much about myself and some of it has been very hard to learn. In this time of waiting he has been refining me to depend only on Him, everything else has faded away. My life used to be so structured and full of stuff to get done and stuff to do. The stuff I used to define my life around are no longer available but God is! So we become very dependent and very vulnerable. I have been looking for a new job and when I started I thought, I can find a job in a heartbeat, well it has been a month and a half and 22 applications later and still nothing. It is frustrating to wait but God has something very special in mind. We are also waiting for all the legal stuff to begin. Not knowing when the other shoe will drop and try to pull us into the whirlpool has driven the control freak in me absolutely crazy. Once again I hear God saying, do you trust me to provide the strength you need? All I can do is to open up my hands and release everything to Him.

The hardest times for me are the mornings because I wake up and I want everything to be back to "normal". I want to be able to pick up the phone and call Tonia and JC to see if they are okay and are we going to make plans to get together. Tonia and I were supposed to start getting together once or twice a month to make cards. I have bought all of the stamping sets and we had talked about this being our mom - daughter time together. We set a date to get together on Wednesdays. I have made a bunch of cards since she died but for now the passion has been dampened. I have all of my supplies waiting because one day I am going to wake up and want to make cards again. But once again God has said, take time to rest in me. This is a time to become more of who I want you to be. Trust Me!

So this morning as I have been reading my devotional and talking to God, I am quietly resting, waiting and trusting. I know I do not understand but I have a relationship with God that I can depend upon. So this morning I open my heart, my ears and my hands and I release the impatience, the doubts and the frustrations. God, they are yours! Thank you for being my Abba Father who cares so much for me that you would carry me through this time of sorrow and confusion.

Asking Questions and Talking

I have been asked by a friend, who was concerned about "saying the wrong thing", how she can support us and what not to do or say.

After thinking about it, here are my thoughts:
Don't be afraid to ask questions, if I don't want to answer I will tell you
Don't "tip-toe" around me, I may cry but I won't break and I won't scream, but I may ask you to go away for the moment :)
Ask me if I want to talk about Tonia, most of the time the answer will be yes
Don't tell me it was God's will, I know that but hearing it from someone else hurts
Don't tell me it was for the best, even if I believe that it doesn't take the hurt away
Ask me if I want company on specific days (birthdays, anniversary of her death, the day the trial starts, etc) I may want company or I may want to be alone. I usually don't know until I am asked!
Ask to see pictures or any memorabilia that I have, they have a very special place in my heart
Ask Rick about Rick and Sean, they are hurting and coping in very different ways and their silence doesn't mean they don't need your support.
Tell me that you are still remembering us in your prayers, they are our lifeline to God!

But the absolute best thing you can do is offer to give me a hug (I will take it)!

Understand that I will cry and I don't know what will start me crying. It could be happy tears because of a song that the worship team is singing, joyful tears because I can feel God's arms around me, or sad tears because a baby cried and it reminded me that Tonia was once my baby.

But it is okay for me to cry at times. Not crying just makes me cranky and causes a bunch of stress! You don't want to see me cranky :)

Love me, pray for me and just be there. I love you!

Trusting God & Renewing My Spirit

I was talking to a dear friend the other day and she asked me if I had ever felt that God has abandoned me. I honestly can say no! Even with everything that has happened I have known God’s presence all around me. It is through God’s grace and the power of prayer. Through the death of Tonia, the loss of my brother Chris and everything else that has happened, prayer has strengthened me, comforted me and held me close to God. The prayer session we had at church the night after Tonia died gave Rick and I the peace to be interviewed by the reporter, the peace to let go of our daughter and the peace to continue to trust God with the future. During the most painful moments I can look at all of the cards we have received and remember the prayers that others are saying on our behalf. Without prayer we would be alone, unprotected and without hope. Prayer has been and will continue to be the cord that ties us to God.

This conversation has started me thinking about my relationship with God and the future. I do not know what will happen in the next hours, days or months but I do know that I have a choice. Either I try to handle everything by myself or I trust God and allow him to take care of the future. I am a control freak but I understand that I am human, fragile and weak. God is ever present, all knowing and powerful; I choose to trust Him. But that means also admitting to myself that life will feel like a roller coaster at times because I am not in control and I do not understand. I also have to recognize that there will be times of very strong emotions, strong grief but equally strong joy. That is who I am and how God has wired me and that is okay! I am learning more about myself and who I am in my weaknesses and in my strengths. My prayer is that I can continue to be used by God in whatever way he has planned and that I can get out of the way!

On that note: I have been asked to speak at various events. I am praying about the opportunities. It has never been a goal to speak to anyone but I enjoy sharing my life story. If God can use any part of our life to bring someone closer to him then I am willing. I am praying that God makes it very clear to me that this is something I can do. My concern is that I am agreeing to share our story for the right reasons. The only reason to tell anyone about what we have been through is to allow God to use me for His kingdom. I will continue to pray for guidance.

I am changing slowly. I am starting to wake up feeling a sense of anticipation again. I had lost that for a time. I am healing in my heart and in my soul. God has given me time to slow down and talk to Him. It is good.

I see a rainbow that has formed through the storm. It is a sign of hope that God has provided and will continue to provide. Thank you, Abba Father!

2008

As 2008 begins, I can't help but reflect over the last year. Tonia died 6 months ago today, which seems very unreal. At times it feels as if I just picked up the phone to talk to her and at other times it feels like my heart has always been broken. The last few days have been wonderful in many ways but also very sad. On December 30, JC turned 37 and it is hard to fathom the thought that he is celebrating another birthday while we are missing Tonia. When I start thinking like this I have to remember that although I don't understand, I can trust God! Since Tonia's death we have heard from old friends of hers and it has been great to reconnect with them. We have been surrounded by the prayers of our family and friends and we have felt God's embrace around us! I do not think I could have gone through everything without the prayers of our friends.

Our prayer is that we can be used by God in 2008 in whatever way he chooses and that more of our family and friends come to know Christ as their Savior this year!

I will continue to write this blog this year as the events unfold.

With love!