Critical Communication

My husband, Rick, and I have worked very hard at keeping the lines of communication open during the life of our marriage. When the kids were small and he was traveling we needed to keep each other informed of all of the facts of life: when Sean lost his first tooth, when Tonia was in the school chorus concert. But it went way beyond just the facts. In order for our relationship to thrive as the partnership the God designed it to be, we had to talk about us; our emotions, our needs and even our frustrations and insecurities. There is seldom a day that goes by when Rick is traveling that we don't talk at least 4-5 times in one day. We call each other to say good morning and good night. He calls when he arrives in a new city. I call to let him know what I will be doing during the day.

This habit has saved our marriage! On the day that Tonia died we went to church, had a meeting and then Rick left to catch a plane for California. I stayed at the church to run the youth group evening. It was during youth group that the phone call came into my cell phone from the Sheriff in Ohio. Devastating news: our daughter was dead, Sean was out with friends and Rick was on a plane! Communication just became the highest priority. I had to call Sean and ask him to meet me at church so I could break the news to him. I had to wait until Rick's plane landed in Denver and catch him before he left for California. Breaking the news over the phone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

As important as it had been in the past, communication became a critical factor in our lives over the next several months. Statistics say that 70% of couples who lose a child divorce within the first years after the death. I can totally understand that! As good as our habits of communication were they were NOT good enough! I have described our coping with our grief as two trains on different sets of tracks, paralleling each other but going at different speeds. We were heading in the same direction because of the habits we had formed but our journey was so different!

I needed to talk, know details, share emotions and grieve out loud. Rick needed to internalize, get actions accomplished and draw strength from God in order to be the rock for Sean and me! Early on I became so frustrated when I thought he didn't care because he was not talking, then I would get angry at him and at myself for being so needy. He tried to explain that he didn't have the need to talk but he would listen. We HAD to learn to compromise and respect the differences in each other. I learned to ask very specific questions, then he would share with me. I also learned to tell him what I needed from him. For instance, everything started becoming overwhelming at one point so I asked Rick if we could get away for a night at a hotel so we could talk and reconnect. The next thing I knew he had used points and we had a hotel room booked!

I also learned to listen to what he was telling me in the middle of other conversations. He mentioned that one of the things he does when he is on a plane is to listen to his iPod. When the song "Healing Rain" (which we played at Tonia's funeral) comes on he cries. That is huge! I heard him say that and I understood how much he hurts over the loss of Tonia! Rick knows me so well that on the way into church services he grabs tissues and puts them into his pocket because he knows I will probably cry during the songs!

We have had to learn new ways to communicate and stay connected to each other and to Sean. We have our challenges and our problems but we are willing to work at being there for each other. This is how God designed a marriage partnership to be but it is not easy but it is so worth it. My husband is my best friend and my partner. That is how we have coped during the loss of Tonia. Otherwise we would be one of the statistics!

Questions I Have for You!

I have been writing a journal since the day after Tonia died and someday I hope to have it printed to use when I speak to other families about grief and hope. I am speaking this April at our church's women's retreat for one session and next year I am the speaker for the entire weekend at another church in Pennsylvania.

I have asked some people to share their thoughts and I decided that I would post these for anyone who wants to share their experiences with me. I want different people to answer so I can understand their point of view and their thoughts. The more people I have answer these then the more examples I can have to answer questions both for others and for myself. My journal is almost 100 typed pages and it is still growing! Some of these thoughts I have shared with you in my blog but most of it I have kept to myself for now. I am in no hurry but I think this will be a great source of comfort to know how others have felt and responded to Tonia's death. I have been amazed at the stories I have already gathered from others reactions to situations in their own lives. It has been a source of comfort to know that I am not crazy in my responses! If you have a story from your own experiences I would love to hear from you!

1. How did you hear about Tonia's death? From who?
2. What was your reaction?
3. What did you notice about the people around you and how they reacted? Immediately and into the present.
4. How were you affected by Tonia's death, the funeral and the events afterward?
5. What questions did it bring up? Did you find any answers?
6. What has affected you the most?
7. Any other comments you want to share that will help me understand how you have learned to cope with the changing situation!
8. Comments and insight into or about the people around you

Please email your response to me at toniainfo@gmail.com.

Thank you for your help on this project!

Hugs,
Kathy

Sponsoring A Child

In November, Rick and I attended a conference for youth workers in Atlanta. At the conference, Compassion International, had a booth set up. During the conference I kept thinking about the daughter I had lost and about other parents in the world who struggled to meet the needs of their children. My heart kept breaking over and over. So on the last day of the conference, we stopped by the booth. We found the sweetest, saddest picture of a 4 year old little girl who lives in Brazil. She was obviously overwhelmed by the camera and she wasn't smiling. But oh how she tugged at my heart strings. Her name is Geovana. Yesterday I received our first letter and colored picture from her! What a joy to read that she loves dolls and she loves to sing! She told us about her family and her three friends. Her favorite color is pink. My heart just over flowed with joy and love for this little girl. We made such a great decision the day we stopped by that booth.

My little girl is not here right now, but maybe another mother will be able to watch her child grow up and become a little bit stronger. It is a very selfish act also because I get to tell Geovana about God's love for her and I get to hear about her cat and dolls. It is good to have another child to love! God is so good and he gives us love enough to go around and it never runs out!

Geovana's picture is on our refrigerator so I can see it every morning when I wake up. What a gift from God!