Step Into The Pain excerpt

Step Into the Pain
by Doug Clark

I was speechless.

In an airport on a trip recently, I listened to a halting voice mail message from a close friend, telling me of another friend's unexpected death. Tony had died very suddenly while working a second job. He was 44 and seemed in the peak of health. He was an athlete and a radiant believer who lived his faith as a basketball coach (his first job) and deeply loved his wife and family.

My heart ached as I considered the plight of his widow, who has been a close friend since 1973 and a part of my church's ministry on many levels. Heidi was left with three daughters. The loss is devastating.

My mind whirled as I sought a quiet place from which to call my friend. I pondered the fact that she is a counselor who can easily recite all the stages of grief. She has comforted many who have faced loss themselves. But this time the agony was hers, not someone else's. When she picked up the phone, I heard the pain and emotion in her voice and realized I had no idea what to say to her.

I mumbled and fumbled around awkwardly, letting her know how much my wife and I loved her. There was not much else that could be said at the moment. I longed to put my arms around her and share her pain, but couldn't do that from 1,000 miles away. I promised to see her when I got home and hung up.

How does someone handle that kind of loss? How do you survive when the bottom drops out?

At the risk of being simplistic, I believe one key that I've seen modeled by people who have weathered deep pain, and emerged better for it, is that they lean into the pain.

I've watched how two other close friends, Rex and Connie, have processed and grown through the loss of their young adult son – their only child – to suicide three and a half years ago. Here's what I've observed in them and others:

They stepped into their pain honestly. Sitting with Rex (we're in a small group together each week with a couple of other men), he never sugar-coated his situation, questions, or feelings. He demonstrated to our group that He has enough faith in God to tell Him straight-up what he thought of allowing his son to die. That kind of honesty can be brutal. It's messy. Rex knew he had permission to say pretty much anything with us, and still be safe. Wounds don't heal if you just cover them up.

In the Old Testament, David lived in this kind of transparency with God. Phrases like “how long, O Lord?” echo throughout his Psalms. His words were painfully honest. And yet, God called him “a man after My heart.” He wrote in Psalm 22: 1-2:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent (NIV).

It's important to remember that although these words were prophetically pointing to what Jesus said on the cross, they were first poured out of the heart of David as coming from his own experience. David leaned into his pain honestly.

They stepped into their pain in community. Rex and Connie are part of prayer groups, support groups for survivors of suicide loss, and other small groups. With believers and unbelievers who share this common thread of suicide loss or care for loved ones with mental illness, there is a safe place to practice being honest with others who understand. Sometimes friends want to love you, but simply don't “get it.” There is a unique fellowship among others who have experienced the same wounds. People heal more quickly when they are intentional about “bearing one another's burdens, and so fulfilling the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

They stepped into their pain redemptively. As they have deepened in their growing understanding of the power of God's Spirit to heal their hearts, Rex and Connie have sensitively shared that reality with others who have faced a similar loss. They are salt and a hopeful light in relationship with people who know only the salt of tears and little hope. I've thought many times how they are living examples of 1 Corinthians 1:3-7, “comforting others with the comfort with which they have been comforted.”

This article spoke volumes to my heart this morning. Recently with all of the delays over the trials, I have been trying to ignore the fact that I am still grieving. I have been trying to forget that I have a hole in my heart that is still healing. The delays in the trials make it very hard to move on with our new normal life and I have tried to go back to the time before Tonia died but with little success. Instead I have put added pressure on Rick and Sean as well as my extended family. My relationships have suffered over the last several months. I am not the same person I once was but God is shaping me to be the woman He wants me to become. But I have to listen and I have to continue to Step Into my Pain. I have cried out in the early morning hours: "Why is my daughter gone? Why is everything delayed again and again? Why am I at odds with the people in my life? Please take away the sorrow in my heart!" God usually allows me to cry in the shower and then when I turn on mu Ipod a song speaks to my heart.

I have so much more of this journey to go through. My relationship with my son, Sean, is one of my biggest stumbling blocks in my faith walk right now. I have become too clingy with him. He is a man who is living at home and trying to set his feet on a new course in his life. I want him to be my young son who I can mother and advise. It isn't going well! LOL. I have been afraid of losing him; which is not how God wants me to act. I haven't been trusting God with his life and his future. It isn't easy knowing that I only have one of my children still here alive and able dote on. So I am reading "Parenting your 20 Something Kids". I have more to learn and I need to do it now before I push him away.

We have also decided that we need to get back involved with some adults in our lives. We have been teaching Sunday school to the senior high group, we co-lead small groups for the senior high and we work with the youth group on Sunday nights. We don't have the fellowship with other adults and we need this. We have decided to step away from teaching Sunday school for now and get back involved with an adult group at church on Sunday mornings. We need the fellowship and the accountability.

God promises never to leave us, He promises to comfort us when we mourn, and He promises us to be our strength. I need to step into my pain and acknowledge once again that I can't do this alone!

“There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still.”

With much love and hugs!

Good Friday & Suffering

Last night we went to the Good Friday service at our church. This is my favorite service of the entire year. Yes even more than Easter or Christmas! It is this service that I have cherished ever since I accepted the gift of salvation through Jesus. I cry every Good Friday because I am reminded that I am a sinner and that it was only through the suffering and death of Jesus Christ that promised me an eternity with God. It has meant so much more to me now that we have been separated from Tonia, for this moment. I know that I will see her again. She accepted Christ's gift of the cross so I will be dancing with her one day.

But knowing this doesn't take away the hurt in my heart or the longing I feel to hold her again. I also hurt for our families who don't know God and who refuse to even talk about Him. My heart aches to speak the truth into their lives but every time I have tried I have been rebuffed. So we pray and pray that their ears and their hearts would be open to God's voice. I know that without God in my life I would not have survived the murder of our daughter. The horrific act of violence that took her life and even today the details that continue to be revealed to us as the trial becomes closer; tears my heart apart. But I have a God who understands my suffering. He experienced suffering. He voluntarily accepted the beatings and the death on the cross for me. I would have traded places with my daughter and I would lay down my life for my son but I could not give up my life for you! But Jesus did!

Jesus knows my suffering intimately. He understands my tears. He loves me. He promises that one day he will wipe away every tear from my eyes (Revelation 7:17). So Good Friday is a reminder that it is my sins that were nailed to the cross, that Jesus died for me and that one day I will again walk in Heaven with my daughter. That promise gives me an opportunity today to pray for our friends and family and for their acceptance of this gift!

Here is a devotional that touched my heart. I love you!



The Significance of Suffering from today's Our Daily Bread devotional:

“Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:3

Let’s be honest, most of us would have to admit that we have a natural aversion to suffering. It may not bother us so much when “bad” people suffer, but we often get bent out of shape when suffering happens to “good” people—especially to us! We think that life owes us happiness, comfort, wealth, and a bit of prosperity. So when life deals us a blow, it’s no wonder we are prone to “grow weary and lose heart.”

Thankfully the writer of Hebrews helps put things into perspective by instructing us to “consider” the suffering of Jesus. When we fully grasp the terrible suffering that Jesus Christ—the only perfect person to walk this planet—endured on our behalf, it makes all the difference.

It’s significant to note that Jesus knew exactly what was coming. The night before His death, He told His disciples, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer” (Luke 22:15, italics mine). I have often thought that it would have been a lot easier for Him to die a different way—something more sudden and less violent. Why was such deep agony required?

Jesus knew that suffering is part and parcel of Satan’s grip on our lives. Satan loves to bring it on, because he believes the more suffering he can throw at us, the more we will become defeated, discouraged, and disengaged from God. That’s his plan. And so the enemy threw the book at Jesus. Satan entered the heart of Judas, which meant that Jesus would suffer the bitter betrayal of a trusted friend. The kangaroo courts and crowds declared Jesus to be a criminal, beat and mocked Him, and inflicted terrible agony on Him. He stumbled up the cobblestone steps carrying His own cross, felt the stab of the sword in His side, the nails in His hands and feet, the thorns on His brow. He tasted suffering for us, and all the while Satan said, “Take that!”

What Satan did not know was that behind the scenes, God was working to use Jesus’ experience of suffering to turn the tables on Satan and defeat him through the suffering. The suffering of Jesus was a prelude to the ultimate defeat of sin, death, and hell. Because He died on the cross and suffered for us, we too can be assured that in the depths of suffering there is the reality that victory will be God’s end game for us. So, when Satan heaps suffering on your life, you can be certain that God, who works all things together for good (Romans 8:28), is ready to turn the tables on Satan to bring victory out of defeat for you.

I don’t know about you, but I’m really thankful that Jesus was not only willing to die, but to defeat the stronghold of suffering in the process. He willingly walked into the arena of suffering in order to achieve complete, final victory over the ravaging effects of sin. And what’s more, He proved that there’s life beyond the grave.

So don’t miss the significance in your time of suffering! When Satan throws his best stuff at you, because of Jesus you can believe that God is both able and ready to turn the tables on him—and to bring you out with hands held high in victory!

We all Need.....

This past weekend was a good weekend as well as a draining weekend. Rick and I had the chance to hang out on Saturday morning and just talk and cuddle. We needed the down time together. We have been on the run for so many weeks that our batteries were going dead. So we drank coffee slowly, we talked, we went out to brunch. Sweet day.

This weekend I was honored to have a part in many conversations both face to face and online. As I woke up praying for these people and there situations one thing became very clear. They all needed one thing... Love. No matter what the issue was underneath it all they were all crying out for someone to love them and hug them and listen to them. Isn't that what we all need? Someone to hold us in their arms and say I am here, I care, tell me about your troubles.

God is there for us 24/7 but sometimes we also need a physical touch to connect us. God has put us here on earth to love one another. Isn't that what Jesus said the 2nd greatest commandment is ....love your neighbor as yourself....

I know that I need love and hugs and someone to say I am here for you. Whether it is a friend struggling with marriage issues, a teenager who is fighting against knowing God, a teenager worried about their life and family or a pastor who is learning how to fit into and serve a congregation; we all want to be loved.

I know that God has given be the gift of hugs and it is a honor to be able to share this with as many people as I can. Maybe you need a hug today?

Grief Lessons

Well it had been an interesting week. After being very busy over the last two weekends and then having a disagreement with a family member, I crashed. I haven't slept well and I was feeling very discouraged and blue and once again I was questioning why!

Why do I feel this way?
Why has our life taken this path?
Why do I have to fight my attitude about going to work?
Why am I fighting with people I love?
Why is my daughter gone?
Why is God asking us to change more of our life and start new tasks and ministries?
Why am I so resentful?
Why, why, why, why?

The questions don't have answers that make sense right now. The only thing I know is that that my heart hurts. I know that I have so many friends who care about me and who pray for me. For now I will hold on to those prayers.

It seems that every time we have a really good day or a really good weekend then I crash. I invest so much of myself in the day to day living and caring and trying to reach out to others and I forget that I need to refresh myself and I need to lean on God's strength and not my own. I can't reach out and love others if I don't first fill up on God's word and God's love!

So tonight I am going to go to sleep early, wake up and spend time with God and then go to work. And somewhere in the mix have a really good, cleansing cry!

May God bless you! Hugs!

Family Fitness Retreats

This past weekend Rick and I had the opportunity to lead a marriage retreat weekend called Family Fitness Retreats. This weekend was wonderful but so emotionally draining.

We were hosted by Ed & Annie Knotts who own a home on Darlington Lake. They host weddings, receptions, rehearsal dinners, graduation parties and have the bed and breakfast aspect also. It is a beautiful home and all of the couples felt so welcomed and loved.

The weekend was about making your marriage and your family more fit to serve God. It is a wonderful time to learn, to reflect both individually and as a couple and to set some new goals for the family. We were so honored to be asked to lead this group.

Marriages and families are under attack and anything that we can do to help the family to grow stronger and closer to God then it is worth our time and passion.

God has really held us up over the last two weekends but now I am crashing and I need to recharge my battery, Today I will reflax and work on pictures and listen to what God has taught us.

Thank you for your prayers!

Emmanuel Bible Fellowship ladies

This weekend I had the great honor to speak at a church retreat in Sunbury, PA. It was such a wonderful weekend. God was there and he gave me so much strength. I have made some new friends and I have seen the family of God reach out to a stranger and love her all weekend. My friend, Kathy, drove in from Philly to be at the retreat. This was the first time we have ever met face to face. What a delightful woman and she is evidently following God and allowing him to help her heal and grow. We will come and have dinner when we are in Philly! The Clark sisters: Joy, Ruth, Dori and Kathy, sang all weekend. They were 4 beautiful women who were using their gifts to glorify God! Don't forget to call me when you get to Pittsburgh! Shari and her daughter, Morgan, were so much fun to get to know. Morgan wants to be a doctor in the mission field and I believe that she can reach this goal. She is a very insightful young lady. Can't wait to see you when you visit Seth at Geneva. Gloria and Pastor Chuck are a delightful godly couple. I enjoyed the conversations I had with Gloria. Thank you for your prayers! Julie, Katie and Dennis: what can I say? Thank you for your hospitality, especially for Katie giving up your room! Thank you for your friendship. Friday night's chat session was so precious to us. We were sharing our hearts and lives. Julie you are a sister of my heart!

The ladies reached out to love us and lift us up and I can't say thank you enough. As we were driving away I said to Rick that we had just made some new friends. He agreed with me and said that we needed to keep in touch. God was so good to me. I had the strength to speak and my voice never gave out until we started driving home. I got in the car and it was as if the plug had been pulled. I was exhausted and my voice was sore and I became hoarse. But before this I was fine. God is amazing.

I will keep all of you in my prayers. I love you! I am sending a BIG HUG to all of you!

Prayers for Retreat

This weekend I will be speaking at Emmanuel Bible Fellowship Church in Sunbury, Pennsylvania. The theme for the weekend is Healing and Hope for the Journey.

I would appreciate your prayers as I speak this weekend. My goal is to share my testimony and the story of how God has worked in our lives after the death of Tonia. I hope that God will use our story to reach out to other women and families who are struggling with storms in their lives.

My prayer is that I would honor God in everything I say and do. I am also honoring my daughter's memory. I am nervous and excited about the weekend.

Please prayer for the ladies putting this weekend together as well as the ladies attending.

Love & hugs!