Remembering Tonia: August 29, 1981 to July 1, 2007

New website

2009-12-03T18:30:00.004-05:00

I have moved my blog to a new site. Please go to www.rememberingtonia.wordpress.com

You can also type in www.rememberingtonia.com.

Thank you for reading my thoughts and prayers!

God At Work in My Life

2009-11-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

It has been a roller coaster ride over the last few months. I have been doing a lot of soul searching about my purpose in life, why I write this blog and how God can use me. I wasn't sure I should continue writing this blog. I never wanted it to be about me. I wanted to use it so I could keep my friends informed about all of the stuff surrounding Tonia's death and about the prayer needs that we have.

I have decided that I will continue to write about what I am learning from God, about the legal details and anything else that God brings to my heart. If you read this and it touches your heart than God has used this blog to reach out to you. I will continue to pray over what I am writing and I will continue to be very honest about my feelings. This is who God has created me to be; a mess of words that need to be said! On that note:

Recently I attended a woman's retreat for our church. Janet Helms was the speaker and her topic was "Lord Make Me The Woman You Want Me To Be". It was very moving. I am still working on becoming that woman but I have figured out a few things.

I love people! If you know me then this probably isn't a surprise. I love to talk to people, I love to hug people. I come alive when I am surrounded by people. It is when I spend time alone that I become sad and tired. But I also understand that I need to have my quiet time alone with God. He uses that time to speak to me, to rebuke me and to turn my thoughts to Him. Which brings me to the next thing I have figured out.

God doesn't want me to live in the past. I miss Tonia so much and that is okay. There is a hole in my heart that will never go away. The tears and the sorrow are part of who I am and reflect the love that I have for my daughter. I think that God wants to use the hole in my heart to reach out to other people with His message of love and healing and hope! Some days this is not so easy. I get overwhelmed by all of the needs surrounding me. I want to help everyone and fix everyone. I can't help or fix anyone! Only God can do this; but I believe that I can be available for Him to use.

I also know that I have a need and desire to express myself both in my writing and in talking to others. I want to tell the world about how gracious and wonderful God has been to us during this very crazy, mixed up time. God has taken a violent tragedy and used it to create love and joy. People have been blessed by hearing His message of salvation and love. People have accepted Him as their Savior. What was meant for evil, God has used for His glory and honor!

I have and continue to have a choice to make. I can spend the rest of my life grieving and angry and living my life in the past. Or I can live out the purpose that God has in mind for me. Living, a verb, a choice, a movement forward. I can choose anger and hate and bitterness or I can choose love and joy and submission to God. One poisons; the other brings healing. I can choose to be silent or I can choose to speak out. I can allow the evil in this world to win or I can allow God's love and eternal life to win.

I choose God! I choose life. I choose healing. I choose joy, laughter and singing. I will not be silenced by the critics or skeptics. Bring it on! If my God is for me than who can be against me! I have a long way to go in my walk but I know that I am not on this journey alone. God walks with me. He carries me through the storms when they come. He picks me up when I fall. God wins: I win!

God bless you! Hugs!

UPDATE: Remembering Tonia: A Christmas Prayer concert!

2009-09-19T09:55:00.004-04:00

The concert is a go! We would like to invite you to attend Remembering Tonia: A Christmas Prayer on Sunday, December 6 at 7:00 pm.

We will be using this concert as the kickoff for the Tonia Brundage Memorial Foundation. This is the non-profit group that we are working on establishing. I know that most of our friends can't physically be at the concert but I also know that you are all prayer warriors. Please be in prayer for the people involved, for travel and for all of the details. This is going to be a very special evening.

If you are able to attend, let me know! This will encourage all of us and also give us a chance to say hello in person!

Here are the details:

Save the date! There will be a Memorial concert held on December 6 at St. Johns United Church of Christ 183 South Broad Street, Nazareth, PA 19151. Their phone number is (610) 759-0893.

Tonia's high school friend, Karla, wanted to do something in memory of Tonia. Last summer she sang at a benefit concert for a local woman's shelter and dedicated one of the songs in Tonia's memory. She created a poster with pictures and had it there with her. This year she wanted to do more. Tonia graduated from Nazareth High School in 2000. A bunch of her friends did not learn of her death until after the funeral. Slowly we have been hearing from these friends via email, by phone and even through this blog. It has been very sweet to hear the stories about their antics during high school and see some pictures from then. That brings us back to this concert.

It will be held at Karla's church. We will be there of course: to cheer her on, to meet Tonia's friends face to face, to cry, to rejoice, to remember! What a perfect way to remember Tonia through the songs that she loved. There is no fee to get in but Karla will asking for a love donation to cover expenses. She asked us what we wanted to do with any left over donations.

After much thought and prayer we have decided to create a new non-profit organization in Tonia's name. I have been in touch with our accountant and we will be starting the process very soon. The foundation will support our desire to help other family members and friends heal after the loss of a loved one through a sudden violent death. The goal is to help others find healing through God's grace. More details will be available soon!

So if you are in the area please come out to see us, to hear some wonderful Christmas music and to share in the joy of remembering.

With anticipation and hugs! Kathy

Happy Birthday my sweet girl

2009-08-29T04:22:00.000-04:00

Tonia,
At 4:22 am on August 29, 1981 you took your first breath and let everyone know you had arrived. Our friends Bo & Christy were in the waiting room. They had followed us to the hospital; Bo panicked and called an ambulance to meet us on the highway. We pulled into the emergency room driveway and the nurses were waiting with a wheelchair. They explained that the wheelchair was for an emergency delivery coming in so they would quickly take me into the labor and delivery room but they had to hurry back. I starting laughing between contractions and explained that my friends had called for an ambulance but that I was okay. They looked over at Bo's car as he sheepishly walked over. They grinned at me and gently helped me into the wheelchair. Just a few hours later you entered the world. I remember how overwhelmed I felt when I finally got to hold you. My heart somehow had left my body and embedded itself into yours. I didn't know I could love so intensely and be so proud to be your mom. I cherish every memory that I have: Your first smile, singing to you while making Lolly Dolly dance, taking you to Indiana Dunes State Park, watching you start to crawl and then walk.

I miss you so very much. I miss singing with you. I even miss our fights! I miss hearing you say I love you. I miss teaching you to dance. I miss watching chick flicks while your Daddy and Sean just put up with us!

Sweetheart, you will always be in my heart. I know that you are in Heaven singing with the choir and rocking the babies. No more hurts, no more tears. So I would never wish you back into this life! But I miss you so much today and I want you to hear me sing Happy Birthday. Your Aunt Leslie is singing the Beatles birthday song to you. Can't you hear her: today is your birthday, we're gonna have a good time!

Happy 28th Birthday. I hope you love the purple carnations and the butterfly that I am taking to the cemetery. They make me smile!

I love you honey!
Mom

Lessons of Life/ God's Strength

2009-08-06T21:39:00.004-04:00

Tonight I have been thinking about events of the last several days, months and years. I am grateful that God has been carrying me and giving me strength as I know that I cannot experience or survive life without His mighty strength and love. If you are from Pittsburgh or have seen the news, the shooting at the LA Fitness center is already known to you. A sweet lady, Betsy, that I knew from the hospital was one of the women killed. Betsy was sassy and vibrant and full of life. She will be missed by so many people in her life. When I heard her name mentioned on the news I thought it couldn't have been her. Things like this just don't happen. Not here, not now.

I became very discouraged, very hurt, very confused about why people I know keep dying in such tragic ways. So many losses, so many families forever changed. God why are these violent acts and senseless tragedies happening? Then I remembered this verse: John 16:33"....in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

God knew that we will lose friends and family members. He knew that we would experience trials of many kinds. This world was never meant to be our home. It is flawed and full of sin. I sin. I try not to but I do. There is sin in this world and because of it tragedies happen. Young adults are killed in car accidents, a friend becomes a widow too soon, friends are killed in a senseless rampage, loved ones die from diseases, and daughter's are murdered in their home. This is not my home! I will be going home to a place that is filled with love. Radiant, eternal, undeserved love!

While I am here in this temporary home I have choices to make: I can either become depressed, anxious and afraid to care or to live or I can choose to live out the moments that God gives to me. Not afraid to proclaim that I love God. Not afraid to feel emotions. Willing to dance when my spirit is filled with joy and willing to cry when my heart hurts. I will never understand why these tragedies happen but I can choose to wake up tomorrow and maybe hug someone who hasn't been hugged in a very long time! God has given me today. I accept this gift for today!

May God bless you with hugs, love, laughter and friends.

Blessings

2009-07-24T09:35:00.005-04:00

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Last weekend we had a house full of Penn State former and current students. They stayed the weekend at our home to say goodbye to their friend, Jessie, as they celebrated her life at her funeral. What a beautiful weekend. Tears amid laughter. Joy mingled with sorrow. Life mingled with death followed up by eternal life. The circle continues. As I was talking to one of the young women at our home; she reflected that they all needed the time to fellowship together and that the time after the funeral was so important for their hearts. They needed to remember Jessie. They needed to cry. They needed to be angry. They needed to laugh as they told Jessie stories. They needed to love and to be loved.

I got to be mama for the weekend to these precious young men and women. My heart was overflowing. Sean had his friends and his family around. It was good.

We had a party for Jessie since she was already partying in Heaven. We shared in the joy. We said goodbye for now. One day we will all be together celebrating at the foot of God.

How awesome is our God. Have a blessed day. Hugs!

Looking Forward to Heaven?

2009-07-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

Looking Forward to Heaven? by Randy ALcorn
With the deaths of several celebrities on the forefront of people's minds, I want to focus this week's question and answer on Heaven. Because the reality is, as human beings, we all have a terminal disease called mortality. The current death rate is 100 percent. Unless Christ returns soon, we’re all going to die. We don’t like to think about death; yet, worldwide, 3 people die every second, 180 every minute, and nearly 11,000 every hour. If the Bible is right about what happens to us after death, it means that more than 250,000 people every day go either to Heaven or Hell.

David said, “Show me, O Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man’s life is but a breath” (Psalm 39:4-5). Picture a single breath escaping your mouth on a cold day and dissipating into the air. Such is the brevity of life here. The wise will consider what awaits us on the other side of this life that so quickly ends.

God uses suffering and impending death to unfasten us from this earth and to set our minds on what lies beyond. I’ve lost people close to me. (Actually, I haven’t lost them, because I know where they are—rather, I’ve lost contact with them.) I’ve spent a lot of time talking to people who’ve been diagnosed with terminal diseases. These people, and their loved ones, have a sudden and insatiable interest in the afterlife. Most people live unprepared for death. But those who are wise will go to a reliable source to investigate what’s on the other side. And if they discover that the choices they make during their brief stay in this world will matter in the world to come, they’ll want to adjust those choices accordingly.

Yet you may be wondering, How can I change my perspective so that I truly look forward to Heaven?

Consider these Scriptures:

Luke 6:21 says, "God blesses you who weep now, for in due time you will laugh."

Luke 15:10 says, "There is joy in the presence of God’s angels when even one sinner repents."

Nobody wants to leave a good party early. Christians faced with death often feel they’re leaving the party before it’s over. They have to go home early. They’re disappointed, thinking of all they’ll miss when they leave.

But the truth is, the real party is under way at home—precisely where they’re going! They’re not the ones missing the party; those of us left behind are. (Fortunately, if we know Jesus, we’ll get there eventually to join the party.)

One by one, believers will disappear from the world. Those of us who are left behind will grieve that our loved ones have left home. In reality, however, our believing loved ones aren’t leaving home; they’re going home. They’ll be home before us. We’ll be arriving at the party a little later. Laughter and rejoicing—a party awaits us. Don’t you want to join it? (If you aren’t certain you’ll be at the party, check out How Can We Know That We'll Go to Heaven?)
Yet even that party, in the present Heaven, is a preliminary celebration. To be in resurrected bodies on a resurrected Earth in resurrected friendships, enjoying the resurrected culture with the resurrected Jesus—now that will be the ultimate party! We will all be who God made us to be—and none of us will ever suffer or die again. As a Christian, the day I die will be the best day I’ve ever lived. But it won’t be the best day I ever will live. Resurrection day will be far better. And the first day on the New Earth—that will be one big step for mankind, one giant leap for God’s glory.

In Memory of Tom Lampone & Jessie (JB) Brown

2009-07-11T09:46:00.004-04:00

This week God took two of his children home. Jessie, 22, died on Wednesday evening in an auto accident. She was a friend of Sean's. They went to a dance together in High School and the pictures are so cute. They are so young in them. Jessie was walking her faith everyday Her friend Ashley wrote this note about her:

The life story of Jessie Brown as testified by my apartment

Jessie was staying in my apartment this summer, and I happened to be on my way to the apartment when I heard the news. I was the first one to see her stuff in my apartment, and what a testimony it was. Next to her bed lay two books: "The Secrets of the Lord" and C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity." On her desk lay her prayer journal, a picture of her and her sister, and a picture of her mom. On the kitchen table lay the most recent taping of Calvary's Sunday service, and the entertainment center was covered with worship CD's. The thing that got me the most, was the verse she had written out in script and posted above the sink. It goes like this:

Job 1:21
Job responded: "Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised."

Jessie knew what this life was about, and she knew her purpose for being here. This apartment is a testimony of that. She lived her life to the fullest, and knew how to prioritize. She always had time for school, time for God, time for Eric, and time for her friends. We'll miss you, Jess. But your life reflected what God wanted. You accomplished your mission. We love you.

Our dear brother in Christ, Tom, died at 12:15 this morning on his 52nd birthday. Tom has been fighting cancer for years. His legacy will live on with everyone who knew him. His faith was like a shining beacon of hope. He was prepared to meet God but fought the good fight until the end. He told his wife that he wanted to take her to see Italy before he died and he said that at the beginning of this week! He was video taped for one of our services at church this past March. His words were about his faith in God and his desire to do His will. His wife, Patty, has been such a strong partner in his journey. Her courage and strength has been a gift from God. Every time I saw Tom and Patty or communicated with them over email they would always tell me they were praying for me! Even the midst of their fight they would reach out to others. Tom leaves a legacy with his son, Nate, his daughter, Tia, and his grandson, Thomas Michael. Tom, my brother, you will be missed but God welcomed you home by saying "Well done good and faithful servant". Heaven is throwing a party!

Tom & Jessie, we will miss you. We will see you at the party in Heaven in time. We love you!

Mercy & Grace

2009-06-26T09:03:00.003-04:00

This past several weeks was an emotional roller coaster because of lots of "stuff" going on in our lives. Getting past the emotions of the day and stopping to hear from God was a challenge. Rick and I were talking on the phone so often that I think AT&T lost money :) I spent some time with my friend, Kathy, who is also my Christian counselor, and she gave me some wise advise. Her comment was: all of the "stuff" going on in our lives was sitting right in front of us at all times. We were on overload. So she suggested that we box everything up and lock them away in a storage unit and only deal with them one at a time as we needed to. Now that seemed rather simplistic at the time she said it; but she was absolutely right. There were things going on that I had no control over and I was reacting to because they were constantly in front of me. I had to give the problem to God, box it up and lock it away until God told me to take it out and deal with it. This was a huge reminder for me. There were several issues that I kept stressing over, giving to God then grabbing them back again. So now there are several things locked away and for now I have given the key away also!! The relief I am feeling is huge.

I also had a time this week that I really needed to share somethings going on and I knew I needed prayer right then. I called Pastor Jeff at our church and asked him to meet ASAP. I have never asked this before and he was amazing. He postponed a meeting to give me time to get there, I left work early and drove to Chippewa. We talked for awhile, he asked questions that helped me to clarify my feelings and then we prayed together. How awesome to know that when we need people in our lives they are there.

Thank you dear friends! More later! Hugs

Marriage

2009-06-22T10:53:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Father's Day and in honor of my husband I would like to share some very special things about him. We have been married for 23 years and we plan on renewing our vows for our 25th wedding anniversary. We did not have a relationship with God when we got married so for our 25th anniversary we wanted to have the opportunity to acknowledge God's role in our marriage. He is my best friend, my confidant, my accountability partner and my life partner.

He is a fantastic father to our children. They have driven him crazy at times as they have grown and tested the waters but he will give up sleep to take the time to talk and he will fly home suddenly when something has come up in their lives.

Rick is such a strong Godly man. He studies God's word to know the steps we need to take as a family and as a couple. He also admits when he is wrong and asks for forgiveness. He comes to me for advice whether it is about his job, his family or a matter at church. He treats other with compassion and love. There have been many times when I find him deep in conversation with someone at church as they are looking for advice or just a listening ear.

When Tonia died he was my rock. We held each other and cried. We supported each other as we had to go to the funeral home and pick out a casket. He held me as we said goodbye at her funeral. For a few months we were having some communication challenges. I have described it as two trains heading in the same direction but at different speeds and on different tracks. We had to learn a new language; a language of grief and frustration. But we worked through the issues and soon we were once again traveling together!

He has changed so much since he accepted God into his heart. He is more laid back and loose. Seeing him with a baseball hat on backwards is still a bit of a shock but it is a part of him. Watching him play ultimate Frisbee or volleyball with all of "our kids" is pure joy.

He tried so hard to be an example to our son. He tries to demonstrate how God wants a man to act toward his wife and to other people. They are so much alike that they butt heads once in a while but I quickly hear Rick's voice coming out of Sean's mouth! Their sense of humor is identical. At times I am laughing more at them then I am at the movie we are all watching.

Rick, Happy Father's Day. You continue to amaze me. I love you!

attacks & storms

2009-06-19T10:31:00.004-04:00

Recently I have realized that Satan in trying to isolate us from other believers. I need to surround us with prayers and the fellowship of other believers, immediately! Please keep us in your prayers.

God is so amazing but sometimes I try to solve things by myself. I fail every time! Recently I have been trying to deal with several issues in our lives just by ignoring them, facing them down, talking too much, trying to solve them NOW and holding on to issues that were settled before. God takes care of all of the details in my life but in His time.

On Wednesday night God was very real and very present. I was working my usual twelve hour shift when I realized that it was getting dark and the rain had started. I checked the weather channel and realized we were under thunderstorm and tornado warnings. I checked the radar and saw that the storm was still west of us and made the decision to leave work early so I could get home. I left work at 6:40 pm. I made a really bad decision to go home via Route 65 instead of the highway. I was on 65 for about 10 minutes when the skies opened up. It was raining so hard I had a hard time seeing. Traffic slowed down and hazard lights came on. I hit one puddle after another but it was still okay.

Two cars in front of me was a low riding black car. Suddenly the rain picked up even more and I watched a wave of water come from my right. The black car was caught in the current and swept half way into the oncoming traffic lane before he could stop. The SUV in front of me made the decision to try to get around him by also heading to the left into the oncoming traffic. I was already in the water with a semi behind me. I decided to try to continue straight ahead thinking I would have more traction. The black car had water up to the bottom of his passenger door as I passed him on the right. My check engine light flickered several times before I made it through the water. There was a gas station ahead of me so I pulled over and started crying and shaking. I called Rick on my cell phone and he talked to me until I was able to calm down. 65 northbound was baked up and cars were turning around. later I found out it was closed for a short while due to water and debris. To make a long story short, Rick remembered that a friend lived just east if where I was so I drove to her house so I could get out of the car and the storm while I figured out how to get home. I stayed there for about 40 minutes. I had to head back into Pittsburgh so I could get to Highway 60 and head home. I finally made it home at 11:10 that evening.

So many things could have gone wrong but God was driving my car that night. I don't have the skills to navigate through that much water or to make the decisions that I did. He used Rick and my friend, Nancy, to get me through a very tough situation.

I was so happy to be home!

Step Into The Pain excerpt

2009-05-23T08:16:00.003-04:00

Step Into the Pain
by Doug Clark

I was speechless.

In an airport on a trip recently, I listened to a halting voice mail message from a close friend, telling me of another friend's unexpected death. Tony had died very suddenly while working a second job. He was 44 and seemed in the peak of health. He was an athlete and a radiant believer who lived his faith as a basketball coach (his first job) and deeply loved his wife and family.

My heart ached as I considered the plight of his widow, who has been a close friend since 1973 and a part of my church's ministry on many levels. Heidi was left with three daughters. The loss is devastating.

My mind whirled as I sought a quiet place from which to call my friend. I pondered the fact that she is a counselor who can easily recite all the stages of grief. She has comforted many who have faced loss themselves. But this time the agony was hers, not someone else's. When she picked up the phone, I heard the pain and emotion in her voice and realized I had no idea what to say to her.

I mumbled and fumbled around awkwardly, letting her know how much my wife and I loved her. There was not much else that could be said at the moment. I longed to put my arms around her and share her pain, but couldn't do that from 1,000 miles away. I promised to see her when I got home and hung up.

How does someone handle that kind of loss? How do you survive when the bottom drops out?

At the risk of being simplistic, I believe one key that I've seen modeled by people who have weathered deep pain, and emerged better for it, is that they lean into the pain.

I've watched how two other close friends, Rex and Connie, have processed and grown through the loss of their young adult son – their only child – to suicide three and a half years ago. Here's what I've observed in them and others:

They stepped into their pain honestly. Sitting with Rex (we're in a small group together each week with a couple of other men), he never sugar-coated his situation, questions, or feelings. He demonstrated to our group that He has enough faith in God to tell Him straight-up what he thought of allowing his son to die. That kind of honesty can be brutal. It's messy. Rex knew he had permission to say pretty much anything with us, and still be safe. Wounds don't heal if you just cover them up.

In the Old Testament, David lived in this kind of transparency with God. Phrases like “how long, O Lord?” echo throughout his Psalms. His words were painfully honest. And yet, God called him “a man after My heart.” He wrote in Psalm 22: 1-2:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent (NIV).

It's important to remember that although these words were prophetically pointing to what Jesus said on the cross, they were first poured out of the heart of David as coming from his own experience. David leaned into his pain honestly.

They stepped into their pain in community. Rex and Connie are part of prayer groups, support groups for survivors of suicide loss, and other small groups. With believers and unbelievers who share this common thread of suicide loss or care for loved ones with mental illness, there is a safe place to practice being honest with others who understand. Sometimes friends want to love you, but simply don't “get it.” There is a unique fellowship among others who have experienced the same wounds. People heal more quickly when they are intentional about “bearing one another's burdens, and so fulfilling the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

They stepped into their pain redemptively. As they have deepened in their growing understanding of the power of God's Spirit to heal their hearts, Rex and Connie have sensitively shared that reality with others who have faced a similar loss. They are salt and a hopeful light in relationship with people who know only the salt of tears and little hope. I've thought many times how they are living examples of 1 Corinthians 1:3-7, “comforting others with the comfort with which they have been comforted.”

This article spoke volumes to my heart this morning. Recently with all of the delays over the trials, I have been trying to ignore the fact that I am still grieving. I have been trying to forget that I have a hole in my heart that is still healing. The delays in the trials make it very hard to move on with our new normal life and I have tried to go back to the time before Tonia died but with little success. Instead I have put added pressure on Rick and Sean as well as my extended family. My relationships have suffered over the last several months. I am not the same person I once was but God is shaping me to be the woman He wants me to become. But I have to listen and I have to continue to Step Into my Pain. I have cried out in the early morning hours: "Why is my daughter gone? Why is everything delayed again and again? Why am I at odds with the people in my life? Please take away the sorrow in my heart!" God usually allows me to cry in the shower and then when I turn on mu Ipod a song speaks to my heart.

I have so much more of this journey to go through. My relationship with my son, Sean, is one of my biggest stumbling blocks in my faith walk right now. I have become too clingy with him. He is a man who is living at home and trying to set his feet on a new course in his life. I want him to be my young son who I can mother and advise. It isn't going well! LOL. I have been afraid of losing him; which is not how God wants me to act. I haven't been trusting God with his life and his future. It isn't easy knowing that I only have one of my children still here alive and able dote on. So I am reading "Parenting your 20 Something Kids". I have more to learn and I need to do it now before I push him away.

We have also decided that we need to get back involved with some adults in our lives. We have been teaching Sunday school to the senior high group, we co-lead small groups for the senior high and we work with the youth group on Sunday nights. We don't have the fellowship with other adults and we need this. We have decided to step away from teaching Sunday school for now and get back involved with an adult group at church on Sunday mornings. We need the fellowship and the accountability.

God promises never to leave us, He promises to comfort us when we mourn, and He promises us to be our strength. I need to step into my pain and acknowledge once again that I can't do this alone!

“There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still.”

With much love and hugs!

Good Friday & Suffering

2009-04-11T09:28:00.002-04:00

Last night we went to the Good Friday service at our church. This is my favorite service of the entire year. Yes even more than Easter or Christmas! It is this service that I have cherished ever since I accepted the gift of salvation through Jesus. I cry every Good Friday because I am reminded that I am a sinner and that it was only through the suffering and death of Jesus Christ that promised me an eternity with God. It has meant so much more to me now that we have been separated from Tonia, for this moment. I know that I will see her again. She accepted Christ's gift of the cross so I will be dancing with her one day.

But knowing this doesn't take away the hurt in my heart or the longing I feel to hold her again. I also hurt for our families who don't know God and who refuse to even talk about Him. My heart aches to speak the truth into their lives but every time I have tried I have been rebuffed. So we pray and pray that their ears and their hearts would be open to God's voice. I know that without God in my life I would not have survived the murder of our daughter. The horrific act of violence that took her life and even today the details that continue to be revealed to us as the trial becomes closer; tears my heart apart. But I have a God who understands my suffering. He experienced suffering. He voluntarily accepted the beatings and the death on the cross for me. I would have traded places with my daughter and I would lay down my life for my son but I could not give up my life for you! But Jesus did!

Jesus knows my suffering intimately. He understands my tears. He loves me. He promises that one day he will wipe away every tear from my eyes (Revelation 7:17). So Good Friday is a reminder that it is my sins that were nailed to the cross, that Jesus died for me and that one day I will again walk in Heaven with my daughter. That promise gives me an opportunity today to pray for our friends and family and for their acceptance of this gift!

Here is a devotional that touched my heart. I love you!

The Significance of Suffering from today's Our Daily Bread devotional:

“Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:3

Let’s be honest, most of us would have to admit that we have a natural aversion to suffering. It may not bother us so much when “bad” people suffer, but we often get bent out of shape when suffering happens to “good” people—especially to us! We think that life owes us happiness, comfort, wealth, and a bit of prosperity. So when life deals us a blow, it’s no wonder we are prone to “grow weary and lose heart.”

Thankfully the writer of Hebrews helps put things into perspective by instructing us to “consider” the suffering of Jesus. When we fully grasp the terrible suffering that Jesus Christ—the only perfect person to walk this planet—endured on our behalf, it makes all the difference.

It’s significant to note that Jesus knew exactly what was coming. The night before His death, He told His disciples, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer” (Luke 22:15, italics mine). I have often thought that it would have been a lot easier for Him to die a different way—something more sudden and less violent. Why was such deep agony required?

Jesus knew that suffering is part and parcel of Satan’s grip on our lives. Satan loves to bring it on, because he believes the more suffering he can throw at us, the more we will become defeated, discouraged, and disengaged from God. That’s his plan. And so the enemy threw the book at Jesus. Satan entered the heart of Judas, which meant that Jesus would suffer the bitter betrayal of a trusted friend. The kangaroo courts and crowds declared Jesus to be a criminal, beat and mocked Him, and inflicted terrible agony on Him. He stumbled up the cobblestone steps carrying His own cross, felt the stab of the sword in His side, the nails in His hands and feet, the thorns on His brow. He tasted suffering for us, and all the while Satan said, “Take that!”

What Satan did not know was that behind the scenes, God was working to use Jesus’ experience of suffering to turn the tables on Satan and defeat him through the suffering. The suffering of Jesus was a prelude to the ultimate defeat of sin, death, and hell. Because He died on the cross and suffered for us, we too can be assured that in the depths of suffering there is the reality that victory will be God’s end game for us. So, when Satan heaps suffering on your life, you can be certain that God, who works all things together for good (Romans 8:28), is ready to turn the tables on Satan to bring victory out of defeat for you.

I don’t know about you, but I’m really thankful that Jesus was not only willing to die, but to defeat the stronghold of suffering in the process. He willingly walked into the arena of suffering in order to achieve complete, final victory over the ravaging effects of sin. And what’s more, He proved that there’s life beyond the grave.

So don’t miss the significance in your time of suffering! When Satan throws his best stuff at you, because of Jesus you can believe that God is both able and ready to turn the tables on him—and to bring you out with hands held high in victory!

We all Need.....

2009-03-30T07:50:00.002-04:00

This past weekend was a good weekend as well as a draining weekend. Rick and I had the chance to hang out on Saturday morning and just talk and cuddle. We needed the down time together. We have been on the run for so many weeks that our batteries were going dead. So we drank coffee slowly, we talked, we went out to brunch. Sweet day.

This weekend I was honored to have a part in many conversations both face to face and online. As I woke up praying for these people and there situations one thing became very clear. They all needed one thing... Love. No matter what the issue was underneath it all they were all crying out for someone to love them and hug them and listen to them. Isn't that what we all need? Someone to hold us in their arms and say I am here, I care, tell me about your troubles.

God is there for us 24/7 but sometimes we also need a physical touch to connect us. God has put us here on earth to love one another. Isn't that what Jesus said the 2nd greatest commandment is ....love your neighbor as yourself....

I know that I need love and hugs and someone to say I am here for you. Whether it is a friend struggling with marriage issues, a teenager who is fighting against knowing God, a teenager worried about their life and family or a pastor who is learning how to fit into and serve a congregation; we all want to be loved.

I know that God has given be the gift of hugs and it is a honor to be able to share this with as many people as I can. Maybe you need a hug today?

Grief Lessons

2009-03-26T21:17:00.002-04:00

Well it had been an interesting week. After being very busy over the last two weekends and then having a disagreement with a family member, I crashed. I haven't slept well and I was feeling very discouraged and blue and once again I was questioning why!

Why do I feel this way?
Why has our life taken this path?
Why do I have to fight my attitude about going to work?
Why am I fighting with people I love?
Why is my daughter gone?
Why is God asking us to change more of our life and start new tasks and ministries?
Why am I so resentful?
Why, why, why, why?

The questions don't have answers that make sense right now. The only thing I know is that that my heart hurts. I know that I have so many friends who care about me and who pray for me. For now I will hold on to those prayers.

It seems that every time we have a really good day or a really good weekend then I crash. I invest so much of myself in the day to day living and caring and trying to reach out to others and I forget that I need to refresh myself and I need to lean on God's strength and not my own. I can't reach out and love others if I don't first fill up on God's word and God's love!

So tonight I am going to go to sleep early, wake up and spend time with God and then go to work. And somewhere in the mix have a really good, cleansing cry!

May God bless you! Hugs!

Family Fitness Retreats

2009-03-23T09:00:00.005-04:00

This past weekend Rick and I had the opportunity to lead a marriage retreat weekend called Family Fitness Retreats. This weekend was wonderful but so emotionally draining.

We were hosted by Ed & Annie Knotts who own a home on Darlington Lake. They host weddings, receptions, rehearsal dinners, graduation parties and have the bed and breakfast aspect also. It is a beautiful home and all of the couples felt so welcomed and loved.

The weekend was about making your marriage and your family more fit to serve God. It is a wonderful time to learn, to reflect both individually and as a couple and to set some new goals for the family. We were so honored to be asked to lead this group.

Marriages and families are under attack and anything that we can do to help the family to grow stronger and closer to God then it is worth our time and passion.

God has really held us up over the last two weekends but now I am crashing and I need to recharge my battery, Today I will reflax and work on pictures and listen to what God has taught us.

Thank you for your prayers!

Emmanuel Bible Fellowship ladies

2009-03-15T16:26:00.003-04:00

This weekend I had the great honor to speak at a church retreat in Sunbury, PA. It was such a wonderful weekend. God was there and he gave me so much strength. I have made some new friends and I have seen the family of God reach out to a stranger and love her all weekend. My friend, Kathy, drove in from Philly to be at the retreat. This was the first time we have ever met face to face. What a delightful woman and she is evidently following God and allowing him to help her heal and grow. We will come and have dinner when we are in Philly! The Clark sisters: Joy, Ruth, Dori and Kathy, sang all weekend. They were 4 beautiful women who were using their gifts to glorify God! Don't forget to call me when you get to Pittsburgh! Shari and her daughter, Morgan, were so much fun to get to know. Morgan wants to be a doctor in the mission field and I believe that she can reach this goal. She is a very insightful young lady. Can't wait to see you when you visit Seth at Geneva. Gloria and Pastor Chuck are a delightful godly couple. I enjoyed the conversations I had with Gloria. Thank you for your prayers! Julie, Katie and Dennis: what can I say? Thank you for your hospitality, especially for Katie giving up your room! Thank you for your friendship. Friday night's chat session was so precious to us. We were sharing our hearts and lives. Julie you are a sister of my heart!

The ladies reached out to love us and lift us up and I can't say thank you enough. As we were driving away I said to Rick that we had just made some new friends. He agreed with me and said that we needed to keep in touch. God was so good to me. I had the strength to speak and my voice never gave out until we started driving home. I got in the car and it was as if the plug had been pulled. I was exhausted and my voice was sore and I became hoarse. But before this I was fine. God is amazing.

I will keep all of you in my prayers. I love you! I am sending a BIG HUG to all of you!

Prayers for Retreat

2009-03-12T21:46:00.004-04:00

This weekend I will be speaking at Emmanuel Bible Fellowship Church in Sunbury, Pennsylvania. The theme for the weekend is Healing and Hope for the Journey.

I would appreciate your prayers as I speak this weekend. My goal is to share my testimony and the story of how God has worked in our lives after the death of Tonia. I hope that God will use our story to reach out to other women and families who are struggling with storms in their lives.

My prayer is that I would honor God in everything I say and do. I am also honoring my daughter's memory. I am nervous and excited about the weekend.

Please prayer for the ladies putting this weekend together as well as the ladies attending.

Love & hugs!

Can You Sleep When The Wind Blows?

2009-01-16T08:42:00.002-05:00

This is from my friend and pastor's blog. Matt is a wonderful man and his insights always help me to remember where my strength comes from and the lessons I can learn! I thought I would pass this on. I forget that if I am prepared that I too "can sleep when the wind blows". Often I am worried and fretful. I needed this reminder.

Can You Sleep When The Wind Blows?

Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him. "Well , I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows." Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.

Women's Retreat March 2009

2008-12-20T13:15:00.001-05:00

I have been asked to speak at a woman's retreat this spring. I am so delighted yet also scared to take this step of faith. I will be speaking at Emmanuel Bible Fellowship Church in Sunbury, Pennsylvania on March 13 and 14, 2009. The theme for the weekend is Healing and Hope for the Journey. The contact person is Julie Powell and she can be contacted at 570-286-6475. The retreat will cost $50,00 for the weekend. This does not include a place to stay.

I would appreciate your prayers as I prepare my talks for the weekend. My goal is to share my testimony and the story of how God has worked in our lives after the death of Tonia. I hope that God will use our story to reach out to other women and families who are struggling with issues in their lives. I would like to encourage everyone to lean on God and to share their needs with their friends and families.

If you would like to attend you can call Julie. Thank you for your support and prayers!

I Love you! Hugs!

Grace and a Southern Version of the 10 Commandments

2008-12-05T09:32:00.002-05:00

From my favorite devotional, "Strength For the Journey" by Joe Stowell. Paul in Romans says that as Christians our lives should be marked by “reliable grace” toward others.

What do we mean by reliable grace? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a definition: “Reliable grace is the predictable action of abundant kindness, regardless. . . even to the most undeserving offender.” It means that people can count on you to pour out grace—active, predictable kindness—into their lives. It is unconditional and available even to the most undeserving of offenders. Anybody have an undeserving offender in your life? More than a bumper sticker, more than a fish or a cross on your car, more than a T-shirt or a WWJD bracelet, we demonstrate our loyalty to Jesus by extending His reliable grace to others.

My life has been filled by the grace of God and of others. I can only hope that I too can respond to others with God's grace.

On a lighter, sillier note: I wanted to share with you this version of the 10 Commandments. I am going to print this and post it by my front door! It is priceless!

Ten Commandments

Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language..... no joke, (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN)

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10)Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's plain an' simple. Y 'all have a nice day.

Encouragement

2008-12-05T09:27:00.001-05:00

Yesterday as I wrote my latest note I was very tired, very discouraged and hurt by events that have happened. Today I was reading a Purpose Driven Life devotional and found so much comfort and reminders about who is ultimately in charge. I thought I would share the devotion. I get overwhelmed by my emotions at times, especially as the holidays are getting closer. I forget that this world is only temporary and one day eternity will be filled with joy and exuberance. But today can also be filled with the blessings around me! Thank you for walking on this journey with us!

“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)

*** *** *** ***

In today’s passage, God is talking to King Jehoshaphat and the Israelites. They’re about to be attacked by three enemies: the Moabites, the Ammonites, and the Meunites.

Jehoshaphat had to be worried about how his people could defend themselves in such a battle, but God knew exactly what Jehoshaphat was thinking. He said, “You will not have to fight in this battle.” Now, that’s the kind of battle I like!

What God tells Jehoshaphat in this passage, and what he would remind us today, is this: “The battle is not yours; it’s mine. You don’t have to fight in it.”

In other words, it’s God’s problem. Let him solve it.

The fact is if you are God’s child, then your problems are his problems. And he’s much better at fighting your battles and solving your problems than you will ever be. Your job is to trust him to work it all out. Perhaps the reason we have so many tired, fatigued, and discouraged Christians is because we think, “It all depends on me.”

The day you resign as General Manager of the Universe, you’re going to find that it doesn’t fall apart. You can relax in faith, trusting that God is able to run things without your help.

Twice in this passage it says, “Don’t be afraid,” and “Don’t be discouraged.” When you face a seemingly impossible situation, don’t be afraid and don’t be discouraged. Has God ever lost a battle? No. He doesn’t lose battles.

There’s an important phrase in verse 17. God tells Jehoshaphat, “Take your positions and stand firm.” What does it mean to stand firm? It means to have a mental attitude of quiet confidence. It is never God’s will for you to run from a difficult situation. I’ve discovered that when I run from a difficult situation, inevitably God always brings it back around and gives me another chance. Why?

Because God wants us to learn – and he wants to teach us through experience – that in every situation he is sufficient. He is competent and capable and he will meet our needs in that situation. Don’t be afraid; fear is the opposite of faith.

You stand firm on two things:

* The character of God – He’s faithful. He does not bring us this far just to let us down. He doesn’t bring you out on a limb and then cut off the limb. Have faith in the nature andcharacter of God.

* The truth of his Word – God’s Word is faithful. You can count on the promises found in the Bible.

Stand still. Remember Who the battle belongs to. Trust that he is able to deliver you. And then watch him do it!
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life.

Thanksgiving Blessings

2008-11-27T18:25:00.002-05:00

Today was an exceptional day. I had Thanksgiving dinner with my two favorite guys and I was able to remember how blessed I truly am. Rick, Sean & I had a very quiet afternoon at home and they are having a post dinner nap! Dessert will be served soon and they will wake up for that!!

This morning I was at the church's outreach dinner and instead of blessing others as was my intention I was blessed by God. Rick and I went and picked up a very nice lady who needed a ride to the church. We had a wonderful conversation at the table but my seat was needed by others so they could eat.

I went walking around the room just saying hello, looking for a chance to help out and wishing everyone Happy Thanksgiving. As I was walking around I noticed a man sitting at a full table. He was pushing his food around on his plate and he was slightly hunched over and not talking at all. He looked up and as I caught his eye, I was blown away by the depth of the hurt I saw. I walked up to him and asked him if he was enjoying his dinner (even though I already knew the answer). He responded with, I am trying. I commented that he appeared to be troubled about something and could I pray for him. He said that he was worried about his health and that he wasn't doing to well. I knelt by his side and held out my hand asking him if I could pray right then. His eyes started tearing up and he said yes. "Father you are our great provider and healer. Please give my brother peace over his health. If it is your will heal his body and give him peace. Let him know that you are there for him and that you love him....In Jesus name we pray. Amen".

He started to cry and jokingly said that he hadn't come there to cry. I told him that God caught all of our tears in his hand and that one day He would wipe away every tear from our eyes, our bodies would be healed and we would be celebrating in Heaven. He asked if I truly believed that. "Yes, I know Christ as my Savior and he has promised that we will spend eternity in Heaven with him. Our hurts will be gone and our tears will be wiped away". He again started to cry and said that he needed to be assured of that fact. I hugged him as he said that he was ready to eat his dinner now. God is so good! I needed to be reminded of my blessings and what the holidays truly mean. My heart has not been ready for Christmas shopping and decorating and putting up a tree. I had forgotten that we are celebrating the freedom we have here on Earth but even more we will soon be celebrating the birth of the Savior who died for my sins. Amazing Grace....I once was blind but now I see!

May God bless you and your family on this beautiful Thanksgiving. May the Advent season remind you of the gift that God has offered to all of us.

Hugs!

God and the people in my life!

2008-11-15T18:07:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking about life today and what God wants from me. My first love is my relationship with God. Nothing else is as important is that relationship. Nothing that happens is without God knowing and being my strength to hang on to. My trust is knowing that He is my rock. My next love is my best friend, my husband and partner, Rick. He is the gift that God brought into my life. We have fought, cried, loved, hurt, made up, had fun and grown closer over the years. We are never done learning more about each other and growing closer to each other as we grow closer to God. He is our center.

I have my wonderful son. I so love getting to know him and watching him grow and change and become a man of God. He is a gift in my life. I have a beautiful daughter waiting to welcome me into heaven. She is my girl who will welcome me home into eternity. I can't wait for that blessed day. In God's time not mine!

Then we have our friends and family.

How do you define family? I have almost 100 kids! I have so many sisters that I can reach out to and love. These are not family only by birth but by adoption. Some are family by being adopted into God's family, by birth and by marriage. But the "family" that I am talking about is also those relationships that have happened when we adopted each other into our hearts and lives. What would I do without these sweet relationships. They sustain me, lift me up and energize me. God has blessed me with a large family of my heart that I have always wanted.

We all need each other. We need to know we are loved, needed and missed. We all need to hear "you matter". We all need to pray for each other. God created a hole in our heart that only he can fill. He also created a need in our soul for relationships.

Thank you for being my family! I Love you!

hugs! (Happiness under God's smile)

Communicating & Today's Events

2008-09-05T07:33:00.003-04:00

In today's "Purpose Driven Life" devotional, Jon Walker writes about communication and relationships. In relationships the failure to communicate can be extremely frustrating. But, the failure to commune leads us to despair. Communication is usually about sharing information – at its most basic level, the transmitting and receiving of meanings. Communion, however, is about sharing life. It’s about knowing and being known, caring and being cared for on a deep and personal basis. Perhaps the most pressing need each of us has is to know that we are fully known and yet still deeply loved; that, despite our failures and weaknesses, regardless of our successes and strengths, we are still unconditionally loved.

How important it has been to communicate my feelings to others. To share my fears, worries, and joys. My heart has been torn and then mended. My tears have been shed and then wiped away. God has heard me as I communicate and even more as I share my life. Anyone who has read this blog has heard me and cared for me and for that I am so grateful.

Today, is just another Friday, but at the same time events may happen that will give us another piece of the puzzle of our lives. At 1:30 Eastern time today, there will be a pre-trial status conference. Nothing may happen other than a meeting; but then again we could hear that the trial is postponed, there may be talk of a plea bargain, or we may hear that we are moving ahead. It affects us in a part of our life but strangely enough it also doesn't affect us. We have no control over the events of today. But God knows and we need to hold on to that thought. Last night I spoke to my sister and to a new Pastor we have at church. I told them both that the trial itself changes nothing. Tonia is gone. She is in Heaven waiting to greet us when we come home to God for all eternity. No trial, no sentence, no waiting to hear will bring her back or change our lives. So in a way today's events really don't have anything to do with the rest of our lives as we continue to put together our "new normal". But at the same time today does affect our thoughts (and especially my stomach)as I process the idea of sitting through a trial or hearing that it has been postponed and knowing that we have to wait patiently for a new date. What a mixture of emotions. One moment I am reveling in the joy and peace I am feeling from God and then next I am in the pits of despair over my own insecurities and frustrations. My rock through everything is my faith in God and my relationship with Jesus Christ as my savior. After this life is over I know that I will be spending eternity is the loving presence of my Father in heaven with my family around me. No more worries, no more tears but the deepest joy that makes me want to run and shout and lead a conga line around the gates of Heaven. I get a glimpse of this joy and I hold onto the feeling as hard as I can.

So today, as we wait for the events to unfold, everyday life goes on. I have an appointment to get my hair cut, I am seeing some dear friends and having dinner with my son. The sun is shining and for now I rest in the moment.

I wish you a day full of hugs!

The Presence of God

2008-09-03T21:31:00.003-04:00

As we wait for another chapter in our lives to unfold in the near future, I am surrounded by the grace and mercy of God. Just when I feel that I can't handle any other emotions or any other changes, God gives me a sense of peace that gets me through that rough moment. I read somewhere that the strongest prayer is not asking for an earthly need but a prayer asking to be brought into the presence of God. Letting go of the control and need to know and instead asking God to dwell within me has been one of the greatest gifts. I only feel God's presence when I truly let go of me and embrace Him. When I struggle to maintain control then I am hurt. My struggle is within me and it even creates problems within my family. We fight over seeing things in a different light and then we have to work our way back to the unity we usually have.

Tonia is with God. Our lives here on this earth are forever changed, a new normal is here to stay. We have had choices to make: to be bitter and angry or to accept what is and find out how we can be used while we are still alive. We can choose to be victims or we can choose to be survivors. We can choose to seek revenge or we can choose to forgive. We can allow the horror to make us cynical and mistrusting or we can choose to believe in the goodness deep within every human being.

I choose to survive, thrive, and to live in the blessing of now! I choose forgiveness, I choose belief in people and I choose LIFE!

I know I will need to read this over and over as circumstances become overwhelming but I will continue to remember that God is merciful and that He is my strength. The light penetrates the darkness every time!

Thank you Abba Father for today and for the promise of eternity.

27th Birthday

2008-08-29T04:22:00.003-04:00

Tonia would have turned 27 today! It hurts to know we will never celebrate another year with her but I don't want to forget the wonderful years that we had her with us so this is a photo collection through the years! Happy Birthday my sweet girl! We love you and miss you!

Little Things that Make Me Smile

2008-07-11T11:29:00.006-04:00

I love bears. I have statues of bears, I have stuffed bears. I even have some kitchen towels that have bears on them. Today I have a new Build-A-Bear. My first build-a-bear was given to me by my husband for Christmas after our son went off to college. He has a Penn State t-shirt and it was just a comfort to have him around. After Tonia died we went into her home trying to salvage a few mementos. I was really looking for a doll that I had made Tonia when she was 3 years old. Her name was Patty Ann. We looked all over until I couldn't take being in the house anymore and we never found her. I knew that Tonia had her because she had just come to our house to get her a few months before she died. I was so disappointed. When my sister came out to visit shortly after this; we each decided to make a favorite animal as a sweet remembrance of Tonia. She made a purple Hippo and called it by a nickname of Tonia's. I made a bear, of course, and named it Patty Ann. She sits in my dining room and it is just a sweet reminder of when Tonia was small.

So today I finally have a purple bear. I have wanted one but didn't want to spend the money and I didn't want to give in to the reason I wanted a new bear. Since I can no longer have any other children (not that I was planning to!); I decided I wanted a bear with a name that I had picked out years ago if we had anymore kids. Danielle Rae or Danny Rae for short. So yes, I am silly, sentimental and goofy but when my package came in the mail; I smiled and hugged a new friend. She is just a reminder to me that I can enjoy life. That it is okay to have fun and be silly and that God provides a rainbow even in the middle of a storm. So on the nights when I am lonely or just need to cuddle something, I have Danny Rae. Simple Things: a hug, a smile and a bear make my day a little bit brighter. God provides just when we need a bit of sunshine! Hugs and Love to you today!

In Memory of Maria Chapman

2008-05-24T11:41:00.002-04:00

I wanted to share this link after hearing how the Chapman family are responding to losing Maria. They are grieving but their faith is in God and knowing that they will one day be reunited with their daughter. It is only through our faith in God and a saving relationship with Jesus Christ that we can all know for certain that we will be forever in eternity with our children and other loved ones. My prayers are with the Chapman family and with any family who has gone through the hardship of losing a loved one. No matter how we have lost a loved one, whether through an illness, an accident or through being killed by someone else we are all in need of hope and prayers. We hurt, we mourn, we cry when our arms are empty. God understands and shares our tears. But he also holds out hope for the future. To everyone who has lost anyone in your life: I share your pain, I lift you up in prayer. I pray that if you don't know Jesus Christ as your savior that you would ask questions!

To the Chapman family: Prayers and love are all I can offer.

In memory of Maria, Jim Houser, Steven Curtis’ manager, set up a blog. Visitors can watch a video of her and Steven and send condolences to the family. Houser said, “Your prayers are needed for all in the Chapman family. This is a family who has so generously loved and given to so many. Just hours before, this close-knit family was celebrating the engagement of the oldest daughter, Emily Chapman, and were just hours away from a graduation party marking Caleb Chapman’s completion of high school. Now, they are preparing to bury a child who blew out five candles on a birthday cake less than 10 days ago. And yet we trust in a God who was not surprised by this, and because of Jesus I am certain through faith in Him we will see Maria again.”

The Chapmans request any gifts be directed to Shaohannah’s Hope in lieu of flowers.

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T17:55:00.002-04:00

Today we celebrated Mother's Day. Rick and Sean gave me beautiful cards and yesterday we planted some beautiful hydrangea bushes that I have been wanting for my prayer garden. Today we had lunch with a couple I consider our spiritual parents. It was a very nice day and it was very special to be with the people I love.

Of course it was also bittersweet as I was missing Tonia so very much. It made me very aware of people around me who were not celebrating today with their entire hearts. Mothers who are not in touch with their children because of problems in the family, mothers who have lost children even before they were born, women who have lost their mothers and women who have never had their own children. This day is a beautiful occasion to honor the women in our lives who have loved us and nurtured us. But it can also be a day when tears are very close to the surface and life doesn't seem quite fair or normal. I get this for the very first time in my life.

So today I would like to send a hug to women every where; just because you are a very special child of God. Women have a very special place in God's plan for this world. So today I want to say Happy Mother's Day but I also want to say I am glad to know all of the women in my life and I thank you for being a part of my life.

Grief Lessons

2008-04-28T09:43:00.000-04:00

It is spring time and the trees are budding. Life is moving forward. Since starting my new job 5 weeks ago I have been so tired from everything I am learning and experiencing that I think I put all of my emotions on hold. Don't get me wrong I have felt joy and experienced sorrow. Listened to music and lifted my voice in song, had dinner with Nicole who teaches me how to walk with courage through her daily life and kept up with all of the tasks of life. But I have had nights when I could not sleep and it wasn't because I wasn't tired, I was too tired! I had forgotten that in order to continue to heal that I had to continue to express what I am feeling. My answer to everyone has been "I am doing okay". Well I was doing okay but I wasn't sharing the tension that I was feeling. Friday started my step back into God's arms. I experienced joy this weekend as Rick and I went to see "To Kill A Mockingbird" at Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School. It was done with such skill and with such sensitivity! One of "our teens", Nic, had a major role in the play and he was so good. I cried at the various parts and rejoiced at the hard lessons of life learned by the kids in play. Then on Saturday we saw "Fiddler On The Roof" at Beaver High School. Several other of "our teens" were in this play. Braden, Josh, Rachel and Megan all did a great job. Braden played Motel the Tailor and he did a fantastic job singing "Wonder of Wonders". I am so proud of all of their hard work and talent! This was the first musical I have seen since Tonia died and it was one of our favorites so I found myself crying even as I was singing along with all of the numbers. It opened up the floodgates of emotions that I have been ignoring. I have been ignoring the pain of losing Tonia to the extent that I have pushed several people away lately. I allowed the business of life to take over and instead of walking through and learning from my emotions I have been shutting them into a box. I haven't even written in my journal for a few weeks. This has been a huge mistake because yesterday I walked into church and everything came crashing down. I cried before the service, during the service and even after the service. My heart was breaking all over again. Missing Tonia, missing Danny, missing Chris, missing the youth group students, regretting the people I have pushed away lately. I fell into a chasm of grief as deep as I experienced after Tonia's funeral. The storm broke, lightening flashed, the wind roared and then...peace began to gently and slowly cover me. Rick was there handing me tissues and sending one of the students to give me a hug. Linda and I cried in each other's arms. Claudia, Jodi and Mary all came over just to love on me. The music reminded me that God was there and he was holding me up and listening to my anguish. Prayers were being said all around us as people watched and understood that I was in pain. I fell into the arms of God and once again I could see the light. After the storm passed I felt clean. I have to take the time to clean up the mess left behind once again but the air smells sweeter and the sun is peeking through the clouds! The sermon this week was entitled "For Such A Time As This". Ironic how the messages seem to come just when I need to hear them!

This morning my body has responded to all of the emotions by shutting down on me! I don't have a voice today and I slept for 8 hours. God is definitely saying TIME OUT. Rest in me today and allow me to heal your body and your heart. Stop running and start responding to me. I have things to teach you and to show you. You have been created for such a time as this. Be still and listen. Walk through the pain, I will be there.
Once again I am reminded that my joy will come in the morning for God has promised this but my sorrow will never fully go away but it will be transformed and if I respond it will change me into the person that God wants me to become! Faith, hope and trust; I will rest on these!
I know that my grief will always be a part of me but I have learned that I can't ignore it. It won't go away but what I need to do is to allow my life to be transformed by the grief into something new. Maybe even something better as I can listen with ears tuned to the pain around me and maybe respond with God's love. So today I will rest and write and praise the God who gives me a reason to keep moving forward with belief and hope.

Women's Retreat

2008-04-06T19:39:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I spoke at my church's annual women's retreat. I shared part of our story with a very special group of ladies. On Thursday night before the retreat I was feeling very nervous and very insecure. I had doubts about my ability to share God's glory and I even started getting sick to my stomach. Who am I that anyone would want to hear from me? What can I say to show how God's grace has worked in my life? I was full of self doubt.

Then later on Thursday evening I got an email from a friend of mine who was directly involved in the night I found out about Tonia's death. She wrote to me about how she had found out about Tonia's death and her reaction to having to figure out how to let me know. God's hand was very evident in her email and what she told me had happened the day Tonia died! It gave me the strength to trust God; at least long enough to get to the retreat and hear from everyone that they were praying for me :) By the time I spoke on Saturday morning I was much calmer and much more at peace. On Friday evening, Susan Reichert from Pine Valley Bible Camp and her daughter Hannah spoke. Their testimony about how God led them through the valley and into their ministry at Pine Valley was awesome. It was truly a testimony to God's work in their life. They are doing amazing things working with inner city youth every summer at camp.

On Saturday morning I was able to get through my story with out breaking down. I had to cut a bunch of it out because of the time limitations but I think that I did okay. I wanted to let the ladies know how many gifts we had been given by God and to testify to how I will continue praise him through this time even while we are walking through the valley.

Once I was through speaking and sat down, I broke down into tears. I was exhausted and I had a huge headache. But God had given me the strength to speak and it was okay that I finally hit the wall. I will continue to speak as long as God brings the opportunities to me. It was a very special weekend filled with songs and prayers and hugs!

Thank you to my special friends who have been praying for us. Your prayers have been felt!

I Love you!

Easter thoughts

2008-03-18T19:11:00.004-04:00

It has been a very long couple of weeks. God has opened another door in our lives. Last week I started a new job at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. It has been very tiring, very rewarding and very frustrating. Last year at this time our life looked so very different than it does right now. So many things have changed and I don't think they are done yet. What I have learned is that I am not in control. My job is to continue to walk in faith one day and sometimes one moment at a time. Working at Children's Hospital reminds me of Tonia because she spent time at Children's Hospital of Chicago when she was 7 years old. The atmosphere was wonderful. Everyone there wanted to be on the kids' sides against disease and death. I have seen kids who are so sick yet they walk around the hospital with their IV poles, playing and laughing. It is an amazing sight. God is very present. He is in the faces of the teams of people who are fighting disease and death. He is present in the joy on the kids faces as they see the hospital dogs walking around with bunny ears on this week. He is present when a family says goodbye to their child. The people are an amazing team. I am blessed!

So after going to the Good Friday service last night I have some thoughts about our lives over the last nine months. We have been in mourning over the death of Tonia and we will continue to mourn her loss for a very long time. But we are not mourning without hope.

This weekend has already affected me in ways that I never expected. Last nights service was so powerful. I bawled like a baby. Jesus understands my pain and my mourning. Jesus was mourning over the very people who placed him on the cross; The pharisees, the guards and even his own disciples. They abandoned him at the time of his greatest need. At such a time as this the verse "Jesus wept" is so true and so humbling. He is crying out to God asking, why have you forsaken me, even as he is asking God to forgive them, for they know not what they do. He is mourning the sins of the world, taking them upon Himself and crying out to God. The Good Firday scene ends when he is placed in the tomb. But remember that our joy comes in the morning. God wipes away every tear from our eyes and that promise is seen when the tomb is found empty on Easter morning!

Jesus wept, cried out, asked forgiveness, died and prepared the way for the day when our tears, our suffering will be wiped away. On the day we accepted Christ as our Savior we wept and cried out to God to save us and he wiped away the sins of the past and promised that one day he will wipe away all of the tears and the burdens that we carry on earth!

He is a God that turns mourning into joy. Easter is coming! The promise is kept. Our hope for the future is written in the empty tomb. God is truly amazing and I am humbled by His sacrifice for me.

God has called Tonia home just as he called His own son home. But without the mourning that Jesus did on the cross for us, Tonia would not be celebrating Easter in Heaven. Jesus prepared the way for her and for me. So today I weep over the loss in my heart and in our lives. I cry out to God "why can't I have my girl with me here today" but I also celebrate with eyes and arms wide open; letting Tonia go for this time, this moment but knowing that she is waiting right next to Jesus to welcome me home one day! One day all of my tears will be wiped from my eyes!

May this weekend your hearts be filled with the joy and the peace and the promise of Easter!
I love you all!
Kathy

Critical Communication

2008-02-23T13:48:00.004-05:00

My husband, Rick, and I have worked very hard at keeping the lines of communication open during the life of our marriage. When the kids were small and he was traveling we needed to keep each other informed of all of the facts of life: when Sean lost his first tooth, when Tonia was in the school chorus concert. But it went way beyond just the facts. In order for our relationship to thrive as the partnership the God designed it to be, we had to talk about us; our emotions, our needs and even our frustrations and insecurities. There is seldom a day that goes by when Rick is traveling that we don't talk at least 4-5 times in one day. We call each other to say good morning and good night. He calls when he arrives in a new city. I call to let him know what I will be doing during the day.

This habit has saved our marriage! On the day that Tonia died we went to church, had a meeting and then Rick left to catch a plane for California. I stayed at the church to run the youth group evening. It was during youth group that the phone call came into my cell phone from the Sheriff in Ohio. Devastating news: our daughter was dead, Sean was out with friends and Rick was on a plane! Communication just became the highest priority. I had to call Sean and ask him to meet me at church so I could break the news to him. I had to wait until Rick's plane landed in Denver and catch him before he left for California. Breaking the news over the phone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

As important as it had been in the past, communication became a critical factor in our lives over the next several months. Statistics say that 70% of couples who lose a child divorce within the first years after the death. I can totally understand that! As good as our habits of communication were they were NOT good enough! I have described our coping with our grief as two trains on different sets of tracks, paralleling each other but going at different speeds. We were heading in the same direction because of the habits we had formed but our journey was so different!

I needed to talk, know details, share emotions and grieve out loud. Rick needed to internalize, get actions accomplished and draw strength from God in order to be the rock for Sean and me! Early on I became so frustrated when I thought he didn't care because he was not talking, then I would get angry at him and at myself for being so needy. He tried to explain that he didn't have the need to talk but he would listen. We HAD to learn to compromise and respect the differences in each other. I learned to ask very specific questions, then he would share with me. I also learned to tell him what I needed from him. For instance, everything started becoming overwhelming at one point so I asked Rick if we could get away for a night at a hotel so we could talk and reconnect. The next thing I knew he had used points and we had a hotel room booked!

I also learned to listen to what he was telling me in the middle of other conversations. He mentioned that one of the things he does when he is on a plane is to listen to his iPod. When the song "Healing Rain" (which we played at Tonia's funeral) comes on he cries. That is huge! I heard him say that and I understood how much he hurts over the loss of Tonia! Rick knows me so well that on the way into church services he grabs tissues and puts them into his pocket because he knows I will probably cry during the songs!

We have had to learn new ways to communicate and stay connected to each other and to Sean. We have our challenges and our problems but we are willing to work at being there for each other. This is how God designed a marriage partnership to be but it is not easy but it is so worth it. My husband is my best friend and my partner. That is how we have coped during the loss of Tonia. Otherwise we would be one of the statistics!

Questions I Have for You!

2008-02-20T07:24:00.005-05:00

I have been writing a journal since the day after Tonia died and someday I hope to have it printed to use when I speak to other families about grief and hope. I am speaking this April at our church's women's retreat for one session and next year I am the speaker for the entire weekend at another church in Pennsylvania.

I have asked some people to share their thoughts and I decided that I would post these for anyone who wants to share their experiences with me. I want different people to answer so I can understand their point of view and their thoughts. The more people I have answer these then the more examples I can have to answer questions both for others and for myself. My journal is almost 100 typed pages and it is still growing! Some of these thoughts I have shared with you in my blog but most of it I have kept to myself for now. I am in no hurry but I think this will be a great source of comfort to know how others have felt and responded to Tonia's death. I have been amazed at the stories I have already gathered from others reactions to situations in their own lives. It has been a source of comfort to know that I am not crazy in my responses! If you have a story from your own experiences I would love to hear from you!

How did you hear about Tonia's death? From who?
What was your reaction?
What did you notice about the people around you and how they reacted? Immediately and into the present.
How were you affected by Tonia's death, the funeral and the events afterward?
What questions did it bring up? Did you find any answers?
What has affected you the most?
Any other comments you want to share that will help me understand how you have learned to cope with the changing situation!
Comments and insight into or about the people around you

Please email your response to me at toniainfo@gmail.com.

Thank you for your help on this project!

Hugs,
Kathy

Sponsoring A Child

2008-02-13T08:06:00.003-05:00

In November, Rick and I attended a conference for youth workers in Atlanta. At the conference, Compassion International, had a booth set up. During the conference I kept thinking about the daughter I had lost and about other parents in the world who struggled to meet the needs of their children. My heart kept breaking over and over. So on the last day of the conference, we stopped by the booth. We found the sweetest, saddest picture of a 4 year old little girl who lives in Brazil. She was obviously overwhelmed by the camera and she wasn't smiling. But oh how she tugged at my heart strings. Her name is Geovana. Yesterday I received our first letter and colored picture from her! What a joy to read that she loves dolls and she loves to sing! She told us about her family and her three friends. Her favorite color is pink. My heart just over flowed with joy and love for this little girl. We made such a great decision the day we stopped by that booth.

My little girl is not here right now, but maybe another mother will be able to watch her child grow up and become a little bit stronger. It is a very selfish act also because I get to tell Geovana about God's love for her and I get to hear about her cat and dolls. It is good to have another child to love! God is so good and he gives us love enough to go around and it never runs out!

Geovana's picture is on our refrigerator so I can see it every morning when I wake up. What a gift from God!

Joy

2008-01-28T10:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday our son turned 21! Wow. The years have slipped by so quickly. He is turning out to be a great young man and I am so proud of how he is responding to all of the challenges in our life. I love you sweetheart!

Yesterday, God also gave me a glimpse into a familiar place. I was at church for a meeting yesterday afternoon and I found myself running to get some tasks accomplished and then dancing to a song going in the background. I found a piece of joy that I have dearly missed. Someone looked at me and said "Kathy you are dancing!" I responded by saying that I feel that a part of me has come back. I have know other moments of joy in the last 7 months but yesterday it felt very spontaneous and freeing and right! The heavens were praising God and I was joining in the celebration. God has been, is right now and will continue to be worthy of all of my praise and adoration. He has given me strength and peace and prayer warriors who have bathed us in prayer. Thank you Father.

Rick & I had the opportunity to go out to dinner last night with 3 other couples from our church. It was a sweet time of fellowship and fun. The subject of Tonia's death eventually came up and I was able to share with them without breaking down into tears. I was shaky but able to share. This is a victory only because I know that I will be sharing with others and I need to know I can communicate without falling apart.

So yesterday was a testament to God's grace to us once again. It was a good day! Joy and peace are gifts from God and I will cherish them!

In God's Time

2008-01-23T06:57:00.000-05:00

This morning I have been thinking about everything that has happened over the last 6+ months. God has been teaching me so much about myself and some of it has been very hard to learn. In this time of waiting he has been refining me to depend only on Him, everything else has faded away. My life used to be so structured and full of stuff to get done and stuff to do. The stuff I used to define my life around are no longer available but God is! So we become very dependent and very vulnerable. I have been looking for a new job and when I started I thought, I can find a job in a heartbeat, well it has been a month and a half and 22 applications later and still nothing. It is frustrating to wait but God has something very special in mind. We are also waiting for all the legal stuff to begin. Not knowing when the other shoe will drop and try to pull us into the whirlpool has driven the control freak in me absolutely crazy. Once again I hear God saying, do you trust me to provide the strength you need? All I can do is to open up my hands and release everything to Him.

The hardest times for me are the mornings because I wake up and I want everything to be back to "normal". I want to be able to pick up the phone and call Tonia and JC to see if they are okay and are we going to make plans to get together. Tonia and I were supposed to start getting together once or twice a month to make cards. I have bought all of the stamping sets and we had talked about this being our mom - daughter time together. We set a date to get together on Wednesdays. I have made a bunch of cards since she died but for now the passion has been dampened. I have all of my supplies waiting because one day I am going to wake up and want to make cards again. But once again God has said, take time to rest in me. This is a time to become more of who I want you to be. Trust Me!

So this morning as I have been reading my devotional and talking to God, I am quietly resting, waiting and trusting. I know I do not understand but I have a relationship with God that I can depend upon. So this morning I open my heart, my ears and my hands and I release the impatience, the doubts and the frustrations. God, they are yours! Thank you for being my Abba Father who cares so much for me that you would carry me through this time of sorrow and confusion.

Asking Questions and Talking

2008-01-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

I have been asked by a friend, who was concerned about "saying the wrong thing", how she can support us and what not to do or say.

After thinking about it, here are my thoughts:
Don't be afraid to ask questions, if I don't want to answer I will tell you
Don't "tip-toe" around me, I may cry but I won't break and I won't scream, but I may ask you to go away for the moment :)
Ask me if I want to talk about Tonia, most of the time the answer will be yes
Don't tell me it was God's will, I know that but hearing it from someone else hurts
Don't tell me it was for the best, even if I believe that it doesn't take the hurt away
Ask me if I want company on specific days (birthdays, anniversary of her death, the day the trial starts, etc) I may want company or I may want to be alone. I usually don't know until I am asked!
Ask to see pictures or any memorabilia that I have, they have a very special place in my heart
Ask Rick about Rick and Sean, they are hurting and coping in very different ways and their silence doesn't mean they don't need your support.
Tell me that you are still remembering us in your prayers, they are our lifeline to God!

But the absolute best thing you can do is offer to give me a hug (I will take it)!

Understand that I will cry and I don't know what will start me crying. It could be happy tears because of a song that the worship team is singing, joyful tears because I can feel God's arms around me, or sad tears because a baby cried and it reminded me that Tonia was once my baby.

But it is okay for me to cry at times. Not crying just makes me cranky and causes a bunch of stress! You don't want to see me cranky :)

Love me, pray for me and just be there. I love you!

Trusting God & Renewing My Spirit

2008-01-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a dear friend the other day and she asked me if I had ever felt that God has abandoned me. I honestly can say no! Even with everything that has happened I have known God’s presence all around me. It is through God’s grace and the power of prayer. Through the death of Tonia, the loss of my brother Chris and everything else that has happened, prayer has strengthened me, comforted me and held me close to God. The prayer session we had at church the night after Tonia died gave Rick and I the peace to be interviewed by the reporter, the peace to let go of our daughter and the peace to continue to trust God with the future. During the most painful moments I can look at all of the cards we have received and remember the prayers that others are saying on our behalf. Without prayer we would be alone, unprotected and without hope. Prayer has been and will continue to be the cord that ties us to God.

This conversation has started me thinking about my relationship with God and the future. I do not know what will happen in the next hours, days or months but I do know that I have a choice. Either I try to handle everything by myself or I trust God and allow him to take care of the future. I am a control freak but I understand that I am human, fragile and weak. God is ever present, all knowing and powerful; I choose to trust Him. But that means also admitting to myself that life will feel like a roller coaster at times because I am not in control and I do not understand. I also have to recognize that there will be times of very strong emotions, strong grief but equally strong joy. That is who I am and how God has wired me and that is okay! I am learning more about myself and who I am in my weaknesses and in my strengths. My prayer is that I can continue to be used by God in whatever way he has planned and that I can get out of the way!

On that note: I have been asked to speak at various events. I am praying about the opportunities. It has never been a goal to speak to anyone but I enjoy sharing my life story. If God can use any part of our life to bring someone closer to him then I am willing. I am praying that God makes it very clear to me that this is something I can do. My concern is that I am agreeing to share our story for the right reasons. The only reason to tell anyone about what we have been through is to allow God to use me for His kingdom. I will continue to pray for guidance.

I am changing slowly. I am starting to wake up feeling a sense of anticipation again. I had lost that for a time. I am healing in my heart and in my soul. God has given me time to slow down and talk to Him. It is good.

I see a rainbow that has formed through the storm. It is a sign of hope that God has provided and will continue to provide. Thank you, Abba Father!

2008

2008-01-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

As 2008 begins, I can't help but reflect over the last year. Tonia died 6 months ago today, which seems very unreal. At times it feels as if I just picked up the phone to talk to her and at other times it feels like my heart has always been broken. The last few days have been wonderful in many ways but also very sad. On December 30, JC turned 37 and it is hard to fathom the thought that he is celebrating another birthday while we are missing Tonia. When I start thinking like this I have to remember that although I don't understand, I can trust God! Since Tonia's death we have heard from old friends of hers and it has been great to reconnect with them. We have been surrounded by the prayers of our family and friends and we have felt God's embrace around us! I do not think I could have gone through everything without the prayers of our friends.

Our prayer is that we can be used by God in 2008 in whatever way he chooses and that more of our family and friends come to know Christ as their Savior this year!

I will continue to write this blog this year as the events unfold.

With love!

Christmas

2007-12-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

This Christmas season has been so bitter sweet. We have been surrounded by family and friends. Rick's sister, Gail, and her daughter, Leslie, came out to be with us over the holidays and it was wonderful. We brought Sean home from Penn State, we cut down a Christmas tree together and decorated it, we celebrated the season and we got to have fun at the Carnegie Sports Center. What a joy it was to have them both here with us. It was a gift to us. We also have been spoiled by people with home made cookies, bread and other goodies. We spent time with our church family singing carols and celebrating the birth of our Savior. We were surrounded by God's blessings.

It was hard singing carols without Tonia. We also watched White Christmas, our traditional Christmas movie, without her to sing all of the songs with me. So I did cry and feel very blue and very sentimental. But we made it through the holiday with new traditions mixed with the old, with a smile thinking about Tonia celebrating in Heaven, and knowing that we continue to look to God for our strength and for everyone he placed in our path.

As we look forward to the New Year, I wish for you:
a new or deeper relationship with God
friends to hug you throughout the year
family to love you day in and day out
a focus on the things of eternal importance

But I especially give you my love and a hug from the bottom of my heart. It is because of your prayers and love that we have been able to move forward and begin to see that we will survive and we will even be stronger.

May God bless you and yours as we move toward 2008!

All of my love!

my brother, Chris

2007-12-13T07:15:00.000-05:00

This morning, after 3 days of being in the open heart unit at the hospital, my 27 year old half-brother, Chris, died. Chris and Tonia were only 15 months apart so they grew up together. I have pictures of them together as babies! When Sean was born I have a picture of them both sitting on the floor with him, wondering what this new baby was all about. My heart is hurting for my dad. He has lost a grand-daughter and now a son. He doesn't have a relationship with God to help him through this sorrow. Please be praying for him.

My heart is hurting so much. It is so hard to believe that these two young lives are gone. Our strength is not coming from within because I feel as if I have aged 10 years in the last 5 1/2 months. I have nothing left to give, yet God is very present. I cried with my sister, Lisa, on the phone last night and then again in the wee hours of the morning when she caalled to tell me that Chris was gone.

I have so many memories of Chris; talking about rock climbing and jumping his bike and just being a boy. I remember Christmas mornings when Todd, Chris, Tonia and Sean could hardly wait to wake us up. I remember when Chris would show me how to do stuff on the computer.

Chris leaves behind a 4 year old daughter who will need our prayers.

This Christmas will be bittersweet. We will be surrounded with family and friends but there are special people who will be missing. This Christmas will be much more about the promises of Christmas than ever before.

God is weeping with us today as I remember.....

A Fact about Grief

2007-12-04T09:56:00.000-05:00

I learned something new this week. I am not usually someone who cries at the drop of a hat or who cries in public but this past weekend I experienced a loss that knocked me for a loop. In talking to a friend who runs a grief support group I learned something about human beings and God.

GOd wired us to survive! He created us to be able to handle the tough things in life with His strength and not our own. But because we are human we handle stress in a very unique way. My grief over our daughter, Tonia's death, has come in small bursts. GOd has protected us because He knows that we can only take so many emotions at a time. We have a very long journey ahead of us and our grief will continue to be there and we will have to revisit her death over and over. So God only gives us what we can handle.

This weekend I experienced the loss of another kind, the temporary loss of a passion and a way of life. My grief was like a torrent of water falling over my head and almost drowning me. I could not see through the pain and I could not understand this deep grief. But God in His wisdom understood that when we are going through stressful times we need to grieve with all of our passion and lean on Him for comfort. My friend said that since this is a grief that I can allow myself to feel right now that I am grieving much more than I normally would because of all of the grief I have stored up in my body. God created us to grieve, release the stress, lean on Him and survive to face another day.

So today I have weathered a storm of emotion hanging onto God and friends who have been my diligant prayer warriors. Today I am a survivor not by my strength but through God's grace and mercy.

The sun is shining and I am feeling God's comfort in my heart.

May you know the comfort, compassion and grace from our Heavenly Father.

After Thanksgiving

2007-11-24T16:28:00.001-05:00

What a very emotional several days. We were blessed with family (my mom, dad, sister, and nephew) as well as dear friends of Tonia's. Amelia & Jeff and their children came to visit us this past Tuesday. What a joy to have these very special people in our home and in our lives. Thank you! Then on my birthday, Tonia's friend Wade came to spend the entire weekend. Wow, it was wonderful to have Wade, Sean and Rick to cook for and to just share precious memories. Wade has been a part of our family for years so I have my guys around!

We saw a great movie last night that made me cry; Ausgust Rush. It is definatley worth seeing. Today we went to the cemetery together. What a wake-up call to me. My wonderful, beautiful daughter is no longer enjoying the holidays with us but how grateful I am to know that she is in Heaven celebrating being with God! My emotions are all over the board. Happy for friends and family, sad over the loss in our life, and even angry that we have to deal with this. But through it all I will continue to trust that God is right here with us. He weeps when I weep and shares the memories and joy.

May God continue to bless you and your family during this very special season.

Holidays

2007-11-15T22:42:00.000-05:00

Next week is my birthday and also Thanksgiving. I understand how the Holidays can be bittersweet. Tonia's high school friend, Wade, is coming to spend Thanksgiving with us which is wonderful! But the idea of Tonia not being at dinner is leaving me feeling lost, very blue and wondering how manu other people are feeling alone over the holidays.

I am thankful that we had her in our lives for 25 years. We would be starting to sing all of our favorite Thanksgiving songs by now. Christmas music would be playing on Thanksgiving Day especially Amy Grant's Christmas albums. Heirlooms was one of Tonia's favorite songs. We would sing it over and over together. Music will continue to be the link that binds my memories together.

As the holiday season begins I will remember the songs, the love and the memories and nothing will ever take those away from me. My prayer is that God will bless all of the people in our lives who have reached out to us in love.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with God's love and blessings!

Legacy

2007-10-31T09:38:00.003-04:00

Last Friday our daughter's headstone was placed at her gravesite. I haven't been there to see it yet. It will be a reminder of how final this life is and I am not ready to see it yet. I will be going with purple carnations and some other things to mark her final resting place here on earth. But once more I am reminded that she is not there. She is in Heaven with God and she is singing and dancing and celebrating for all of eternity.

I miss her so much and even though I know that I will see her again some day I forget that she is gone. I find myself thinking that I need to tell her how her puppy Pixie is growing. How I heard a song on the radio that she would love, or I want to call her up to take a walk to see the leaves. This was our favorite time of the year. We loved going to Indiana Dunes State Park to walk among the trees and marvel at the leaves. I miss this time together. Our lives will never be the same.

God has wrapped His arms around us and I can feel His comfort and peace; otherwise I think that I would go crazy with my grief. But he comforts me as I mourn.

This season has been so hard yet I have never felt closer to God.

Tonia, I miss you sweetheart. Dance for joy and my heart will dance with you!

Waiting and Trusting

2007-10-08T13:57:00.000-04:00

As we wait to hear about all of the legal ramifications in our daughter's death it reminds me of all of the times that God told people to wait and trust in him. Waiting seems to be God's way of telling us to trust him to be in control, to know the best possible thing that can happen in our situations. But my human side cries out to hurry up, take care of this, give me an answer and even, what is taking so long? Patience has never been one of my stronger gifts so God has really had to work on this part of my life. But amazingly something else has occured while I am waiting; I have slowed down enough to hear God's voice! His voice that tells me, "I will never leave you or forsake you" and "for I know the plans I have for you". It is His voice that gives me peace on nights that I have trouble sleeping and His voice that says I share in your tears, I will comfort you. Without God in my life I do not know where I would turn to for strength.

So as we wait, we wait with God's arms around us, holding us very close.

Do you know the God I am talking about?

Thoughts on Forgiveness

2007-09-27T07:39:00.000-04:00

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reading about what forgiveness is and what it isn't. The Bible tells us to forgive 70 times 7 times. That is about how many times are human nature needs to be reminded to forgive. It is so true that we can get to a point where we say, I forgive you, and then something happens and the hurts flare back up and we need to remember that we have already let that one go and forgive again.

Forgiveness is:
letting go of the anger that is only tearing me up inside
it is not forgetting about what happened.

Forgiveness is:
letting go of the judgment in my heart and allowing God's judgment to stand

Forgiveness is not:
reconciliation. It takes two to reconcile but only one to forgive.

Forgiveness is not condoning an action.

Forgiveness is not taking away the consequences of the action.

In order to move on and live the life that God has planned for me I need his strength to forgive. I need his strength not to become bitter.

As I near the three month mark of Tonia's death I find myself praying to continue my journey toward forgiveness; to JC and his friends, to family members who have said bitter things, and to others who have sometimes unknowingly hurt me during their grief process.

I am missing Tonia as I look at the leaves changing and remembering our walks at the Dunes. We has so much fun kicking up the leaves and rolling down the sand dunes. Walking in the woods was always so peaceful.

God said that there is a season for everything: a time to laugh and a time to cry. I just never realized that sometimes it is the season for both at the same time. I am watching Tonia's puppy, Pixie, who has joined our home. She is ALL puppy. Knocking everything over, chewing on every bone I give her and jumping on my lap, even when my computer is there first! She makes me laugh. I will be crying and she jumps up and tries to lick off all of my tears! She tears around the house having a surge of energy and everyone gets out of her way. How can I not laugh? Tonia would have been clapping her hands and laughing hysterically at her antics.

So life goes on and I continue to pray that God comforts me, teaches me, and uses me for His purposes. The journey of forgiveness is an ongoing one but in the end I know the outcome. God wins! In Heaven my soul will be at peace and I will be dancing and singing with my Father.

May God's peace fill your heart and may you see the world through His eyes!

I Love You!

Sermon we heard the morning Tonia died: Freedom Through Forgiveness by Warren Sullivan

Saying Goodbye!

2007-08-15T07:30:00.000-04:00

Over the last month and a half I have been trying to move on after the death of our daughter, Tonia Brundage Amato. I was taking care of everyone else except for me and my grief. It took having an argument with a family member to get me to finally start to unload everything I am feeling. This is the beginning of that process:A love letter to my daughter, Tonia.

Tonia,
I miss you so much. We were just beginning to heal after the tough years we went through together. We were just starting to forge a better relationship between a mother and a daughter but also as friends. We had plans to get together to make cards together. You were searching out a church home. It was fun looking at the churches on the internet and reading about their beliefs and their activities. I saw God working on your heart as you drew closer to him. I heard the wonder in your voice as you told me that you had never felt as close to God as you were that day. I will miss seeing you blossom into the beautiful women you were becoming. I will miss finding out that you will become a mother and me a grandmother. I will miss watching grandkids grow up and hearing from you when they take their first steps. I will miss shopping for maternity clothes and baby clothes. I will miss hearing your voice and singing with you.I know that you are celebrating at the feet of God; that your voice is raised in songs of worship to Him. I know you are out of the despair over JC and your marriage. I know that your pain and anguish are over. I know that God in His perfect way knew when you needed to come home to Him. His timing was perfect but it was not my timing and I need to trust Him even when I do not understand. My girl, I need to say goodbye but just for a little while. We will be together again and we will be singing together again. I cannot promise I will not cry because I do miss you but I will not ask God to bring you back to live in this world when I know you are living in His love! I will continue to pray for JC and maybe one day he can come to know the peace that only God can provide to him. I promise that I will stay very close to God and that I will seek out His will for my life and I will accept whatever plans he has for me. Be in peace my precious girl. We love you!
Mom

Friends,
When Tonia died I was given several gifts:
I was given the gift of knowing that she was gone even before I heard it from the Sheriff
I was given the gift of a church family to love, support and pray for me and over me
I was given the gift of a husband who walked by my side as we journeyed through the days together
I was given the gift of a sister who I thought I had lost forever
I was spared the knowledge of how she died until I was strong enough to hear it
I was given the knowledge that she had come to know the Lord both from her own lips and in written form
I was given the knowledge that God knew exactly what she was going through and took her at the perfect time to spare her from what is coming
I was given the Peace, that only comes through God, that I will see her again
I have been given so much and now God wants me to give to others.

I will continue to proclaim His name as the Only way to Heaven, as the merciful and gracious father, and as the comforter through all trials.

But it does take action and effort on your part. God knocks but he is not rude. He will not come into your life until he is invited in.

I Love you!

Guest Book for Tonia

2007-07-05T07:29:00.002-04:00

This is the online guest book for our daughter Tonia Brundage Amato. We will be keeping it open for the next year if anyone wants to write a favorite memory or comment.Thank you for all of your prayers!
http://www.legacy.com/PostTribune/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=90196906

Your Prayers Are Lifting Us Up!

2007-07-02T07:28:00.003-04:00

On July 1, 2007 our 25 year old daughter, Tonia Amato, was killed in her home. We do not know all of the details but we are standing firmly on our strength in the Lord. We would ask for prayers for all of our families. Tonia's in-laws are hurting and need our prayers as do our extended families. Our daughter is with the Lord and we know that we will be together again someday.In this time of sorrow we are holding onto the promises that God has given us. He is our rock and our salvation. Thank you for your prayers and your hugs are being felt!

In Lieu of flowers, donation to the Chippewa E. Free Youth Group are requested!

All of our love!

Interview with WTOV9